In the words of Bubba Sparxxx (yup, we’re about to quote Bubba Sparxxx), “Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin' everywhereeeee.”
If you tuned into the VMAs last night, chances are you noticed what we immediately noticed: Nearly every female performer (to be fair, that was 90% of the show) made sure to properly display her pert derriere.
While some shined, others fell, well, flat — a little too literally. Without further ado, we bring you a definitive ranking of the bootyliciousness that took place:
1. Taylor Swift: The “At Least She Tried” Behind
We’re not really sure how we feel about her super-short, long-sleeved Mary Katrantzou romper, but kudos to T Swizzle for attempting to find her inner Beyoncé on stage. Key word: ATTEMPTING.
Stick to your day job, T, which is dancing like no one’s watching and making music that connects with tweens even though you're 24.
And never, like ever, do this again. We don’t care if your new song is about calling out haters. We’re uncomfortable. Scared. And most of all, scarred.
2. Ariana Grande: The “I Don’t Know Why Wearing a Tiny Leotard Next to Nicki Minaj Was a Good Idea” Booty
3. Amber Rose: The “Sometimes Showing Too Much is No Bueno” Butt
Especially if your husband has to guard it like it’s the Mona Freakin’ Lisa at the Louvre.
4. Jennifer Lopez: The “Iconic and Always Fierce” Moneymaker
THE WOMAN IS PERFECT. SHE’S ALSO 45. LET. THAT. SINK. IN.
5. Iggy Azalea: The “Black Widow” Bombshell
Even Kim Kardashian's envious of that thing.
And, you know, if self-proclaimed “terrible dancer” Taylor’s a fan...it works. Just look at the way she reacted to Iggy Igg’s booty-ful number:
6. Nicki Minaj: The…Honestly You Can’t Even Describe This
First of all, Rita Ora was terrified of Minajesty’s “Anaconda”:
Second, Usher couldn’t pull away from it:
But unfortunately she’s not the Queen of the Bootay because…
7. Beyoncé IS. STOP EVERYTHING.
Basically, the VMAs was a pre-show leading up to Bey and her badonkadonk.
All that ass we’ve been talking about really took new form in the last 15 minutes. In the words of Mrs. Doubtfire, HELLLOOOO:
Not only did Queen B slay the stage, so did her butt-tastic dancers. Like…WUT:
And then the Internet nearly exploded: