Just four months after the "We R Who We R" singer left a rehab facility, where she voluntarily sought treatment for an eating disorder, Kesha is sharing her thoughts and experiences in a new essay published for Elle UK.
In her essay, the 27-year-old shares concerns about her ailing health and worries about what the public--and, most importantly her fans--would think about her rehab stint.
"That first day in treatment was the scariest of my life," she said. "I worried about what people would think. I was here for an eating disorder—but I knew people would assume I was here for other things."
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She also reflected on her former, party-girl persona.
"Sure, I've written songs about partying, but my dirty little secret is that I'm actually incredibly responsible. I take my music and career very seriously, and certainly didn't land in this situation from partying. But I was cut off from the outside world and I imagined people making up stories at a time when what I really needed was support."
And the pressures she felt to maintain a certain body type.
"The music industry has set unrealistic expectations for what a body is supposed to look like, and I started becoming overly critical of my own body because of that. I felt like people were always lurking, trying to take pictures of me with the intention of putting them up online or printing them in magazines and making me look terrible. I became scared to go in public, or even use the internet. I may have been paranoid, but I also saw and heard enough hateful things to fuel that paranoia."
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Though she credits her music for helping to empower her, Kesha admitted she began to feel differently about herself.
"I felt like a liar, telling people to love themselves as they are, while I was being hateful to myself and really hurting my body," she said. "I wanted to control things that weren't in my power, but I was controlling the wrong things. I convinced myself that being sick, being skinny was part of my job. It felt safer somehow."
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The star noted while sharing her story with the public was scary, she's hoping her words will inspire people who are facing similar struggles.
"I'm not fully fixed—I am a person in progress—but I want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. Even I need to be reminded that we are who we are," she said. "And when I say that, I f--king mean it, now more than ever."
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