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We all want to find a lasting and meaningful relationship with someone who makes us happy, someone we can trust and enjoy life with. Here are some important things to keep in mind to attract the love you want — and deserve.
Romance novels and rom-coms have us believing there’s one perfect person for each of us. But research has shown that believing that two people are either meant to be together or not — called a “destiny belief” — can stymie your search for love. On the other hand, people who hold “growth beliefs,” meaning they believe that relationships benefit from work and overcoming obstacles, have fewer negative feelings after fighting with a partner. “There’s no ‘one and only,’ ” Esther Perel, a couples therapist and author of Mating in Captivity, says. “There’s the one you pick and what you choose to build with that person.”
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Ask Friends For Help
Enlist your pals in your search for true love. “Send an email to at least 20 people you know and ask them to set you up with a friend of the appropriate gender(s) who’s single and looking,” says Pella Weisman, a marriage and family therapist. “Give them a brief outline of who you are and what you’re looking for so they can forward the email along.”
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Be Confident
If you want to attract that special someone, make sure you’re presenting the right attitude. “Begin letting off the ‘I’m happy with who I am; I’m just looking for someone to make me even happier’ vibe, instead of that desperate ‘I’m looking for anyone because I feel FOMO [or because] I hate being alone one,’ ” behavioral scientist Clarissa Silva advises. “Desperate isn’t sexy; confidence is.” Focus on the positives you can bring to a potential mate. If you like being with yourself, others will too.
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Put Yourself Out There
Meeting new people and dating can be scary. But you won’t find love without making an effort. “Challenge yourself to stop by a new cafe or grocery store — deviating from routine can increase possibilities of meeting new people,” dating coach Jasbina Ahluwalia advises. And don’t be afraid to start a conversation — begin with a low-key compliment to get the ball rolling. The good news: The more you practice, the easier it becomes.
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Give Off Positive Vibes
“Everyone wants to be around happy people; happiness is magnetic,” Gregory L. Jantz, Ph.D., author of Overcoming Anxiety, Worry and Fear, says. “So focus your energy on thinking about and doing the things that make you happy.” One study showed that simply smiling makes people look healthier and more attractive than having the right BMI or wearing makeup.
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Think Outside The Bar
Go beyond the nightlife scene and you may be surprised at how many others are looking for love. “If you want to meet people in the real world, go to where the single people all are,” James Preece, a dating coach and relationship expert, says. “Great places are coffee shops, gyms, museums and my personal favorite, bookstores. Once you look around, you’ll realize how many people are out there just waiting for you to say hello to them!”
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Be Real
Don’t play games or pretend to be someone you’re not. “To find real love, you must first emphasize your true self,” says author Jantz. “If you shift your personality, passions or purpose to appease another person, you’re not being your true self. People are attracted to authenticity.”
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Think Outside The Bar
Go beyond the nightlife scene and you may be surprised at how many others are looking for love. “If you want to meet people in the real world, go to where the single people all are,” James Preece, a dating coach and relationship expert, says. “Great places are coffee shops, gyms, museums and my personal favorite, bookstores. Once you look around, you’ll realize how many people are out there just waiting for you to say hello to them!
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Chill Out
Try meditating or practicing yoga to avoid worrying about dating or finding someone special. “The more you practice mindfulness, the more aware you are of self-defeating thoughts that may make you feel cynical and disheartened about your dating life,” Burns has counseled. “You can also leave your phone at home and take a mindful walk where you focus solely on your physical sensations and the environment around you. Meditating and mindfulness can help you manage your dating and relationship stress and reduce anxiety.”
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Have Fun
Keep yourself busy doing the things you love, and love will find you. “People with successful dating lives have fulfilling lives rich with hobbies and interests,” says dating coach Samantha Burns. “Sign up for a kickboxing class, take a guitar lesson or study a foreign language. This will give you something to speak about with passion on a future date, which is a very attractive quality.”
