Once upon a time, in a magical land called LA, Brody Jenner was the King of the The Hills and Kim Kardashian was just one of his many step-sisters. I'm sure that's a hard time to remember; the Myspace account you used would probably jog your memory. But many, many years ago Brody was the King of the Hollywood reality TV scene; Kylie Jenner, Kendall Jenner, and even famed athlete Caitlyn Jenner weren't even a concept yet. At some point, the script flipped (and yes, there is a script, there's always a script).
So what went wrong? We looked at some key Brody moments (broments, if you will) and figured it all out.
2005: Brody becomes the Prince of Malibu.
Like all great rags-to-riches stories, Brody shot to fame when his stepdad bought him a reality show. No, seriously. Brody and brother Brandon starred in the short-lived long Princes of Malibu alongside future Hills villain Spencer Pratt, and it was produced by his stepdad David Foster. It was supposed to be about their wild antics growing up rich and spoiled AF. Unfortunately for the Jenner boys, mom Linda Thompson filed for divorce from Papa Foster when the series premiered, and he spitefully pulled the plug on the show. Rude.
On the bright side, the opening credits left something to be desired.
Anyway, Brody was on the fast track to becoming a reality TV god, and he was luckily able to backpack on Spencer into his next big gig.
2007 – 2010: Brody becomes the ultimate Hills heartthrob.
Brody was introduced in season two of The Hills as "Spencer's Friend" but quickly moved up the ranks when he developed a relationship with Lauren Conrad. Of course, by "developed" we mean "was cast as LC's love interest in order to spice up the show because the show is as real as Kylie's lips" but that's not important now. At the time, we were as smitten with Brody as Lauren was fake-smitten with him. And although their time together didn't last long, Brody solidified his role by fake-hooking-up with like every girl on the show. And that's how we were hooked, too.
Like, look, he was dripping with all that gross LA playboy charm. But in the mid-2000s, an era that celebrated celebrity culture and bad behavior so much it birthed the Bling Ring, this was an aphrodisiac. And look, Brody in his prime was objectively hot — tall, strong jaw, a smile that lit up the city, and good hair.
But anyway, The Hills wrapped up in 2010, and by then a little E! show called Keeping Up with the Kardashians had been going strong for three years. So now what's his next career move?
2010 – 2012: Brody Jenner becomes the third least embarrassing person Avril Lavigne has dated.
2013: Brody becomes a cast member on Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
When it was announced Brody would be joining the show, we all did a doubletake. "Brody? From The Hills?," we thought, utterly confounded. Truth be told we weren't as invested in MTV shows like we used to be, or as in love with Brody; it was the Kardashians we were obsessed with.
Then we realized, "Oh, wait, he's a Jenner, right?" We tangentially remembered that Caitlyn (formerly known as Bruce) had kids from her previous marriages, but we had never really acknowledged Brody's relation. So even though he was demoted to Kim Kardashian's stepbrother, he was the best next Gen Jenner.
2014: Brody becomes the Jenner girls' half-brother.
Not that he wasn't, like, in a biological sense before the sisters got big. But for me, the watershed moment for Ky and Ken is when Kendall started modeling and Kylie got her blue hair and signature lips. Those two little scrappy kids became social media queens and Brody was left to the age of flip phones.
But his star couldn't fall lower than this, right?
2015: Brody becomes Caitlyn Jenner's son.
Welp. For a sad month in 2015 Brody attempted to host his own thirsty-sounding talk show Sex With Brody. Spoiler alert: negative reviews all around. But once the former Olympian made a gender reassignment transition, there was only one Jenner plastered on every magazine. Call her Caitlyn. She's making waves, making headlines, and making Brody into a distant memory.
And in one final, dramatic swoop the Prince of Malibu was dethroned by time and the bulk of his entire dramatic family.
2018: Brody becomes a beautiful piece of nostalgia.
Of course I could be acting dramatic, Brody's fine. He's still crazy rich and has two million followers on Twitter. He's engaged to Kaitlynn Carter and they seem to be raising a little dog family, which makes me happy. He still has good hair. But his reign as the most powerful Jenner has definitely ended.
Anyway, we appreciate the effort in sticking around so long. It's hard to say goodbye.