It’s not worth sweating through the work week if you don’t book some time to cruise and booze at a beach house this summer. The thing is, renting the dream house can be a bit too expensive, so the go-to move is to glom off someone with money. You know who has money? Famous people. And that’s why the only logical choice for a weekend vacay is to stay at a celebrity beach house.
But would staying with your favorite celebs be any different then bunking with our second tier friends? Well, yes, in the sense that your college roommate Kelsey doesn’t have gold-plated toilet seats and a full-sized oil painting of her riding a unicorn in the nude (thank God). But then you think about all the people who tend have or rent out beach houses. The outwardly perfect power couple. The brat who’s living off a family dynasty. The childhood friend who’s mellowed the hell out. The party girl who will turn you the hell up. Britney Spears. They all exist in the celebrity world.
So take a trip with us! We sought out (real life) rented or owned beach houses of the rich and beautiful and deduced what kind of (fictional, probably) stay you’d have with them.
Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s Malibu Beach House
The Super Bougie Home with a Bizarre Feel
There are no expenses spared for Bey and Jay’s Malibu rental: between the fully stocked walls of wine and enough chandeliers for Sia to have a field day, it is extra to the max. Now that their twins are home safe and sound, you’ll definitely want to book time at the beach with your favorite married folk, but tensions are… strange.
There’s enough space to get totally lost in this palace, but whenever you run into the duo you can’t tell if they’re looking to have a romantic second honeymoon in this Beyhive, or if they’re just aggravated that the team of nannies are taking too long to assemble the gilded double-stroller.
Either way, the vibe is too weird for you to make an extended stay (and tbh you’re annoyed that Blue Ivy’s Gucci swimwear is upstaging your Michael Kors bikini).
Kylie Jenner’s Turks and Caicos Rental
The Ultra Lux Resort for Professional Rich Kids
Incidentally, it seems unrealistic that Kylie would re-rent that Turks and Caicos $50 million estate off AirBnb after holding her birthday there last year, but hey, what’s another $50 million for a Jenner? The on-site spa is perfect when you two exhaust your Snapchat-ing hand, and the on-site gym is great for when you want to avoid going to a gym like you would back at home.
Your companions tend to be a bunch of leggy models, and the rest of her kin is seemingly AWOL, although unpacking this week’s Kardashian drama is exhausting, to say the least (usually a well-placed “seriously, so rude” is a sufficient react).
Things get awkward when you make a comment about how you can’t understand how Scott Disick is hanging out with a 19-year-old and she… doesn’t get the age thing. However, you’ll end up leaving after the third time you get hit in the face with a boom mic.
Lauren Conrad’s Laguna Beach House
The Amazingly Vanilla Non-Vacation
Throwback! What could be a more nostalgic time than hanging out with LC in her old hood? You show up to her (not surprising) beige-on-white home wearing your best denim mini skirt, wielding The O.C. season two and a bottle of rosé. And you’re totally down to talk smack about Kristin Cavallari like you’re back in high school all over again.
But then you get there, and not only does she have a newborn, but she’s totally drama-free. All she wants to do is stare at the ocean from her wide windows, drink green juice, and waterfall braid each other’s hair. So over it.
Rihanna’s Beach House in Barbados
The Tropical Condo Built for Lost Weekends
Hey-o! Riri’s home base is the perfect place to let loose for real, a gigantic and totally baller condominium. After the private jet drops you off, the two of you drink wine as you putt on her golf course (you know how much Rihanna loves golfing) while DJ Khaled grills you a burger on the balcony. Sometime around the fourth hole Riri asks you to smoke something—you don’t know what—and everything melts into a sort of blue-and-purple tinted haze.
The next day you wake up faceplanted on the couch with—oh no—fresh nipple piercings.
Britney Spears’ Malibu Abode
The Sophisticated Situation for Strange Adult Sleepovers
This leaves you back in Malibu with the Princess of Pop herself. You end up in the same beach house she rented during Valentine’s Day, and it’s a sweet hang. All edges, very modern, and it even has, dare we say it, a light Moroccan-inspired aesthetic.
Hanging out with Brit is more like a very perplexing slumber party, though. She makes you take many videos of her strutting down the hallway in various outfits (“Why are we doing this?” you ask yourself) and then she makes you watch Minions in her home theater.
She insists it’s not as funny as Despicable Me 2.