Ready for Super Bowl 2017?! No? OK, good, we can stop pretending like we give a crap.
Calm down, you're among like-minded people here. We won't bore you with Super Bowl facts or tell you which team you need to root for or droll on and on about which goalie is the best at chucking balls into a hoop with a baseball bat. (Clearly we know nothing about football.)
But if you're anything like us, you understand how Super Bowl season is like a fun nightmare. Fun because, hey, there's bean dip, and a nightmare because, ugh, it's been two hours and none of the teams have scored a point yet?? If you want to make it through Sunday with your sanity in tact, follow the rules below to make sure you have a safe and aneurysm-free Super Bowl.
1. First, some basics.
Football is all about scoring points by getting the ball into the other team's zone. It's similar to soccer, except our version is a lot more violent (U-S-A! U-S-A!). All you need to know is that if a ball ends up on either end of the field, you can wake up from your nap and start cheering.
2. Get to the grocery store early to load up on snacks.
The best thing about the Super Bowl is the food. Surely you didn't need us to tell you that. Be smart and buy your snacks before the ravenous chicken wing eaters show up. You don't want to be that person who's fighting and elbowing people in the gut over the last avocados. It's the Super Bowl, not the Hunger Games.
3. Go easy on the bean dip, though.
Later when you're hugging the toilet and wondering why you thought dipping your hot dog into a jar of Cheez Whiz was a good idea, you'll be regretting not taking this advice.
4. Snag the best seat on the couch.
The Super Bowl is long, but having a great seat will make it slightly more bearable. Whatever you do, don't get stuck with the dreaded middle seat. You're basically stuck, sandwiched between friends who'll be passing popcorn in front of you and elbowing you in the face while they cheer for their team.
A seat on the edge means you can lean away from obnoxious friends and make quick, easy escapes when you need to. And if you follow Rule #3, you can avoid running to the toilet every two seconds, keeping your spot safe from seat thieves.
5. Whenever you feel left out of the sports talk, just talk about how much you hate Tom Brady.
Sports fans hate Tom Brady. Practice repeating these words in front of them: "Tom Brady sucks! He's such a whiny loser! I HATE HIM! Excellent quarterback, though." There, you should start feeling like a sports fan already.
6. Still bored? Here are some resources to keep you entertained during the game.
If you're looking to kill time until the halftime show, check out what people are saying on Twitter. In the past, Portlandia and even the Muppets have done some hilarious live-tweeting of the game. Last year, NPR tweeted a bunch of football haikus.
And if that's not enough amusement, there's always the Puppy Bowl or you could just hassle Google with obnoxious "I'm bored what should I do" searches.
7. STILL bored? Uh, I don't know. Get drunk?
Everything's more fun when you're plastered. But only drink if you're with friends, cause otherwise it gets sad.
8. FINALLY! The Super Bowl halftime show!
After sitting through two hours of dudes mostly just standing around and occasionally tackling each other, here's the part of the show you actually care about. While your friends all run to the bathroom because they ate too much bean dip, use this time to stretch out your legs, hog the whole couch, and enjoy Lady Gaga's performance.
9. Have some fun with the Super Bowl commercials.
Now that you can watch Super Bowl commercials online before the game, watching the ads live aren't quite as fun anymore. A solution? Turn it into a fun drinking game! Every time any of these things appear during a commercial, drink for the allotted seconds. Print out the game here.
If you can make it to the end, congratulations!
If you can fight your way through the avocado aisle, snag the best seat on the couch, survive Super Bowl boredom, AND avoid diarrhea, you deserve a medal. Shine on, you crazy diamond! See you next year!