Amy Schumer's memoir The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo is definitely a must-read! The 35-year-old comedian is funny, genuine, and reveals all the personal details you were dying to know (and then some).
Scroll through the images to see some of the most shocking things we learned about Amy from her book.
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Her mom left her dad for her best friend's father.
"The day I learned [my mom isn't perfect] also happened to be the day my childhood best friend, Mia, and I fell out forever. It wasn't a wacky coincidence. My mother was having an affair with Mia's father," she wrote.
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The first time Amy had sex wasn't consensual.
"At one point I was laying on my back, not paying attention, and suddenly felt Jeff fingering me. We hadn't been fooling around at all so it seemed strange to go right into that," she wrote.
"It started to hurt… so I looked down and realized he had put his penis in me… Without asking first, without kissing me, without so much as looking me in the eyes — or even confirming if I was awake."
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She was a Kleptomaniac when she was a teenager.
She and her his sister were arrested after getting caught shoplifting at Bloomingdales.
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She was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship.
On the "worst night of my life," her boyfriend at the time, Dan, got jealous that she was dancing with another guy and freaked out on her when they got home.
"He ran to the kitchen and broke a mug over his head, and then started banging his head on a light fixture attached to the ceiling. It wouldn't break," she wrote. "I was screaming for him to stop, when he grabbed a huge butcher knife from a drawer. And that's when I was sure he was going to kill me."
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She recorded a sex tape with her boyfriend when she was 20-years-old.
"I had sex with my boyfriend on a computer camera… and it was totally awful. We were in no way focused on each other. We were looking at ourselves on the monitor," she wrote. "I apologize in advance for that sex tape in case it ever does get out."
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The lower back tattoo she got when she was 19-years-old is crooked because the guy who did it was drunk.
It also got infected afterwards and it "healed horribly."
"To this day, it's still raised like a Mad Max war boy's head scar," she wrote.
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She met her current boyfriend Ben on a dating app.
Though she doesn't list which one it is, she says it's "specifically aimed at creative people," which sounds a lot like the dating app Raya.
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She's only ever had one one-night stand in her entire life.
And it was with a British marine whom she met on a flight to Florida while she was on her comedy tour.
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She was once a bartender at a lesbian bar, and had to dance on tables in a skirt.
"It was humiliating. I'm not a good bar dancer. I'd wear a pair of pink underwear that read 'I love me' and I'd lift my skirt to display this message, and sway around laughing," she wrote.
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She's had sex with 28 people.
"To date, I've slept with twenty-eight people. I can't remember all of their names, but I remember the nicknames I gave them (Third Ball, Pit Bull Guy, Cousin Steve—JKJKJKJK)," she wrote.
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Her father left his girlfriend's parents in the lobby of his apartment complex while he had sex with a stranger upstairs.
That same girlfriend still wanted to reunite with Amy's dad, and later became her "stepmother number two."