I never particularly had a crush on Justin Bieber, but when the news of his engagement broke over the weekend, I couldn't help but be completely taken aback. Are we really at this point? Justin Bieber, the once floppy-haired little kid singing "Baby" on stage to an audience of screaming teen girls, was settling down and getting married? The Biebs was officially off the market (at least for now depending on what theories you believe about his and Hailey Baldwin's relationship)? Where did that leave all of the girls who were so convinced that they were going to marry him circa 2011? And I wasn't the only one having similar thoughts.
Justin Bieber is engaged to Hailey Baldwin and I have never been so sad in my entire life… did she know every word to every song? did she go to his concert by herself? did she buy all purple clothes because he said it was his favorite color? did she even watch never say never
— hanna 💫 (@hannalangevin) July 8, 2018
If Justin Bieber & Hailey Baldwin are engaged, everything I’ve worked for since I was 12 was FOR NOTHING
— Ellie (@elliefogel) July 8, 2018
And then it hit me. Justin Bieber wasn't the only one. All of the Jonas Brothers are pretty boo'd up these days, too. Kevin Jonas has been married practically forever, obviously, but even the band's main heartthrobs are in serious relationships. Joe Jonas is legit engaged to Game of Thrones star Sophie Turner, and Nick Jonas is getting in deep with Meghan Markle's BFF Priyanka Chopra (although thankfully they didn't make their public debut until after the royal wedding, because I simply don't know if I could've handled that). There are even rumors swirling that they're engaged or about to get engaged.
with the announcement of joe jonas's engagement, my chances of being married to a jonas brother have decreased to 1/3 i am so stressed
— 50 Shades of Awkward (@OhWowThatsAwk) October 16, 2017
…so you're telling me there's only 1 Jonas brother left for me to marry?? what is this my 12 yr old self did not sign up for this https://t.co/eWCTtqnbOn
— Amber Scholl (@AmberScholl) October 15, 2017
And it's not that there are none of our crushes from 2011 left on the market… or that we'd necessarily have a chance with them even if there were. But there's something about the fact that the Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber are all basically married and two of the One Direction boys and even freaking Freddie from iCarly are fathers that has us slipping deeper into an existential crisis. All our teeny-bopper crushes have seriously started their adult lives. Some of them are straight up parents. Even Kylie Jenner of all people has a baby! And that has me suddenly questioning my mortality. Am I… old? Or am I just mourning the fact that the only 2012 Teen Choice Awards Choice Male Hotties who's not engaged or married is Robert Pattinson (and, uh, pass at this point)? At least Zac Efron isn't planning to get married (yet) — and is just as much a babe as ever. That'll have to be enough for now.