Looking back, we weren’t prepared to experience our newest guilty pleasure — MTV’s reality series, Floribama Shore! Let’s just say, the first two episodes of Season 1 did NOT disappoint. Before we dive into story lines, the network did an excellent job at introducing us to their Floribama Shore cast.

Nilsa Prowant, a 23-year-old divorcee, is ready to live her best single life after admitting she got married too young. Gus Smyrnios, 22, was kicked out of his 17 and looking for a wife. Kortni Gilson, 21, is also ready for a summer independence after living with her parents her whole life. Kirk Medas seems to have a normal story for a 25-year-old and is ready to change his life. Aimee Hall is newly single at 24 following a 10-year long relationship — her ex cheated on her with her cousin WTF?! — “That’s normal in Alabama,” but now the girl’s gotta make up for some lost time. Codi Butts is also 25 and bartends at an “old people bar,” so he’s hoping to socialize with those under the age of 75. Candace Rice, who is going on 25, is on the prowl for a good man because at 25 you’ve still got it. Jeremiah Buoni, 22, was homeschooled so now he’s ready to embark on some summer social experiments to decide if he’s “normal.” We also couldn’t help but wonder if he was channeling his inner Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi in his first confessional with his “Where’s the beach?” joke. Probably, right?

Nilsa and Kortini were the first ones to arrive at the house and they were quickly, pleasantly surprised when smoke show Jeremiah made his entrance. They’re all from Florida, so we predict these three will be an inseparable trio over the next few episodes. Oh wait, he dabbed on the deck and the girls aren’t impressed. That’s over. That’s cancelled.

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Nilsa and Kortni.

Fast forward and now all of the housemates have arrived. Codi is your typical silly, Southern-boy charmer with his hot pink collared shirt and swag — BUT, as he said in his confessional, he can “also get down and get dirty.” Yeah, he is #HusbandGoals for sure. We wasted no time diving into our new favorite stars’ personal lives, as Jeremiah revealed his parents met at a strip club where his dad is a stripper. He said he has to “be a gentleman and a d–chebag at the same time because that’s what women look for.” K. Kortni, as literally any female would probably do in a situation like this, quickly goes for a bottle of champagne. Get it, girl. Time for our first house drinking sesh. Kirk already called Kortni “ratchet” and we are less than six minutes into the episode, so there will probably be some tension there down the line. According to Candace’s confessional, everyone was welcoming and friendly, so that’s good.

Things continued to quickly escalate as Aimee told her cast mates that her ex-boyfriend of 10 years actually got another girl pregnant. Previously, we heard he cheated with her cousin — so naturally now we won’t sleep until we find out if that’s the girl he’s expecting with. This blonde beauty appeared to be doing fine, all things considered, and told the cast she “just wants to have one-night stands.” Nilsa agreed, so we think it’s fair to predict these two are just going to be ~single and ready to mingle~ all season. We’re here for it.

The girls drooled over Gus, who we agree, looks like an Instagram model — but he actually just worked on a cattle farm. Our girl Aimee was quick to regain our attention when she shared that one time, she drove her car into a beach house sober. Anyway, back to important things like potential house hookups. Gus wanted Nilsa. That could be mutual. Anyway, after spending some time down at the beach the group relocated to their quarters for shots. Kortni was doing the most and Nilsa, who was her friend before this, was not having it. “She’s being extra loud right now she’s being really childish because she’s never been out of her parents’ house,” Nilsa said in her confessional. “She’s so sheltered. It’s going to be a long summer.” It would appear so. Candace also sounded concerned about Kortni’s behavior, and even cautioned her not to throw up in their bedroom. That probably wouldn’t be a great start to things.

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Jeremiah and Gus.

The boys decided to go look through what kind of belongings Aimme took with her (polite) and officially deemed her “country AF.” That was all fine and boom! We got our first “Cabs will be here in 10 minutes!” of the season. We wonder what DJ Pauly D thinks about them adopting his iconic phrase, though nothing will ever top his nightly “cabs are heaaaaa” (spelling?) announcements. Kortni was already passed out in her bed before 10 p.m., so hopefully that meant no babysitting for the roommates on the first night. Oh no, they yelled, “Taxi!” That’ll do.

OMG OMG OMG. Kortni rose from her slumber and after a few minutes of playing musical beds, she dropped her pants and PEED in one of them. We weren’t ready. Anyway, everyone else was out at the bar living their best lives. Nilsa is over the moon that all her new friends joined her in her local watering hole. She and Gus hit it off (knew it) and Codi was twerking. Things were going great. “I’ve literally had my eye on you since we walked into the house,” Gus told Nilsa. Oh, but fast forward two seconds and Gus quickly snagged a blonde beauty while our girl Nilsa got a drink at the bar. SMH. Let’s just say she was not pleased. “The problem is, I’m attracted to that because I’m an idiot,” she said in her confessional after said girls left and he went back to dance with her. It happens.

Okay, okay. So they arrived back at the house and Candace was quickly not amused to find out that drunk Kortni was asleep in her bed (also the same one she peed in, yikes). The boys moved her, thong not pulled up and all, and unfortunately noticed that there was a “wet spot” underneath where she was sleeping. Literally — where is our popcorn? Wait, Jeremiah got down on his knees and starting SMELLING HER URINE to figure out what exactly happened. Hold the popcorn, we’re vomiting. Candace was pissed. “What was the point of peeing in my bed? #Why?” she asked in her confessional. We may never know.

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Aimee and Codi.

Poor Candace had to crash with the dudes because of this whole peeing fiasco, and one of them offered to buy her pampers which NGL is hilarious — and probably not a bad idea. Of course when Kortni woke up she adamantly denied her little accident, even though we all saw it go down on camera. Nilsa is mortified, presumably because they came together and she didn’t want the others to think she was as ~accident prone~ as her friend. Understandable.

We got to experience the first family meal, and instead of the Italian dishes we got used to seeing on Jersey Shore, they went for full-blown southern comfort and barbecue. Nilsa admitted to having plastic surgery in the past and everyone was fascinated by Jeremiah’s homeschooling background. He blamed his parents. Don’t we all? Things quickly turned heavy when Nilsa opened up about her failed marriage, and shared with her roommates that they got pregnant and miscarried, which she had to mourn alone as her husband was deployed — then he came back and cheated on her.

The next morning the gang drank mimosas over breakfast and Gus made his move to ask Nilsa on a date. She got confused, because she also liked Jeremiah, and Codi (potentially friend-zoned but that can’t be confirmed or denied at this time) reminded her that if one doesn’t work out, there’s a backup plan. Nicer than that, of course — but that was pretty much the point. The roommates went back to the beach for a day of drinking and of course everyone was worried about Kortni’s ability to control herself. She seemed to be having none of it and basically told the camera she would do whatever TF she felt like doing. She made that clear when she started flashing the beach Girls Gone Wild style, and Jeremiah admitted he found her antics “sexy.” Oh boy.

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Candace, Codi, and Nilsa walked along the beach to talk about Kortni’s behavior, which is still as drunk and troubling at the beach as it was the night before, and then she was found publicly peeing in a garbage can. Kirk even questioned if she has something against toilets, which TBH, at this point is a fair thing to wonder. Anyway, Jeremiah made his move and asked Kortni on a date, she agreed to go — and things were definitely awkward during Gus and Nilsa’s date, as she basically admitted in her confessional that they weren’t on the same page. To be fair, he was acting rather obnoxious and Nilsa got salty over the fact that Jeremiah and Kortni had a date planned. They are 100 percent going to have their friendship tested during their time in the house.

Jeremiah was convinced there is more to Kortni than a drunk who pees wherever she wants, and girl was stoked to be asked on a “real” date. He basically called her a hot mess, but this date went a heck of a lot better than Nilsa’s and Gus’, so there’s that. However, J shared in the confessional that he and Kortini were “bros,” which is, you know, what every girl wants to hear. He even told her they were splitting the check. Ooof. However, she still decided to sneak into his bed when they got home. Jeremiah was a mixture of pleasantly surprised, yet terrified she would have another accident. They spent the night together — it’s unclear what actually went on, as we only saw them sleeping fully clothed but Gus told Kortni when she woke up that he heard “giraffe noises” coming in the bed. She was in a giraffe onesie if that adds more context. Kort (obviously) didn’t even remember going to bed the night before, and then Jeremiah met her outside to have THE talk. It’s also worth noting that Nilsa was FURIOUS when she creeped in the bedroom to see what was going on, and expressed her sadness by casually twerking in another living space.

“I don’t know if I gave you the wrong impressions as far as what I wanted, like when I took you out. I wanted to get you away from everybody else so I could see how you actually were, but I just feel like it got blurred between the lines as far as what my intentions were,” he said. “We have a good relationship, but I feel like you’re a really cool person to hang out with and I don’t want anything lingering.” She was fine, and came back with, “I’m good.” Her confessional after this conversation suggested otherwise.

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The gang goes out again. This “TAXIS ARE HERE” slogan needs to be cancelled because it’s just not the same. Kortni proved once again she can’t be taken anywhere, and Candace got her groove on with a hot guy. We see you boo! Kort obviously had to be carried out of the club (we guess this is probably going to be recurring, given everything we saw in the first 54 minutes of the two-part series premiere) and the fact that she exited a cab half naked tripping over her cowboy boots yelling about warts. GIRL.

Nilsa got rejected by a pizza man while trying to order delivery, and man was she mad when they couldn’t get food. Everyone was wasted and Nilsa quickly got over not being able to eat pizza when she caught a glimpse of Jeremiah’s private area. As she said, she wasn’t upset about what she saw. After several borderline desperate attempts to score, Jeremiah basically told the cameras he thought she was thirsty. He’s also pals with Gus, so that complicates things. Eventually, he went to bed and she got her pizza. Everyone won.

The next day the men went to work (yeah, the whole cast works at the beach) while the ladies treated themselves at the nail salon. Aimee admitted she never got a pedicure before, so that was probably an experience. Jeremiah instantly became the enemy when he ran off with a pretty girl while the others tended to their beach cleaning duties. The girls could not get over Aimee getting her toes done, especially because as Candace said, it looked like “parmesan cheese” when they scraped the bottom of her feet. Gross.

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Once again, the gang gathers to go out to the club, but this time it’s different because it’s Friday and Nilsa took her hot girlfriends out with her. She instantly told them about their horrible date with Gus, and he for sure regretted ever taking her out on a date. Jeremiah also had a girl out for the occasion. That obviously was a problem, especially after she did the “I’m watching you” eye-hand signal to Nilsa, and things almost turned physical when Kortni got involved and got in her face. Things wound up being fine and Gus even found a new girl after being heartbroken by Nilsa, though everyone went home alone that evening. Noticeably salty about this was Jeremiah, and he even blamed the girls for his lack of getting laid. Kortni apologized, but he wasn’t having it. The next morning, he suggested they apologize when he brings her back out.

When the boys returned home from the guy, they were quick to confront Aimee over her messiness. She obviously got upset and complained to Kortni over a cigarette about Jeremiah’s diva antics. We definitely felt like s–t was about to hit the fan! It seemed like yet another predictable night, but then our girl Candace found her man again! She apologized for getting drunk and losing his number, which led to never calling him, but here’s to hoping at someone finds love down on this shore. We’re rooting for you, Can!

Gus and Jeremiah wound up successfully taking their girls back to the house — much to the dismay of Nilsa, obviously. At this point, she was still convinced that eventually Jeremiah would shape up and come for her. That didn’t appear to be happening, but time will tell. Nilsa had a lot of opinions about this, and got even more annoyed when Kortni was buddying up to her in the kitchen. Eventually, Codi tried t put a stop to all of her nonsense — but may have, no, DEFINITELY crossed a line when he ripped her for calling her ex-husband. From calling her t–t to shaming her for having plastic surgery, homeboy did not hold back. Aimee was not happy she had to get out of bed to diffuse the situation, but she did while Kortni stayed in the other room, amused as ever.

We are in for it, folks! Stay tuned for next week!