Sarah Jessica Parker Turns 50 — So Obviously We’re Ranking Carrie Bradshaw’s Boyfriends

A definitive ranking of Carrie Bradshaw's love interests…

8. Aleksandr “Why Oh Why Did This Ever Happen” Petrovsky (Season 6)

The Russian artist totally tried to make our girl into someone she wasn’t. Not to mention, he STOLE her from NYC. You CAN’T take Carrie Freakin’ Bradshaw out of Manhattan. That’s, like, sacrilege. Though she seemed on board at first, homegirl ended up hating life in Paris.

Also, dude had the personality of a gnat. Moving. On.

7. Jack “Nada Prada” Berger (Season 6)

We’re so happy these two didn’t work out because he was ridiculously insecure and couldn’t stand the fact she was the more successful author in the relationship.

Take your post-it and shove it, Bergs.

6. Bill “The Dirty Politician” Kelley (Season 3)

“Well, I would love to get you in the shower. And get each other all fresh and clean. And then…let you pee on me.”

BYE FELICIA.

5. Seth aka Jon Bon Jovi (Season 2)

He meets our girl in therapy. They play a really sexy game of ‘Twister.’ He gets her in the sack. And then reveals a big bombshell when she asks him why he’s in therapy: “I'm really f–ked up about women. After I sleep with them, I completely lose interest.”

We really considered putting him in the No. 6 spot, but peeing on someone is definitely worse than, well, almost anything.

4. Ray “Carrie Likes the Jaaaaaazz Man” King (Season 4)

It’s not his fault he has ADHD, so he gets a pass. Also, he made Big INSANELY jealous.

You did your part, Rayster.

3. Jeremy aka David Duchovny (Season 6)

Our Manolo-lovin’ lady is instantly smitten when she reconnects with a high school boyfriend. Unfortunately, he turns out to be nuts…and ain’t nobody got time for that — especially Carrie.

But you were still a nice enough guy, Jer.

2. John “Big” Preston

Some of you may disagree with this position, but let’s face it… He was a doucher — a lovable, confusing doucher — but still a doucher. He also left Carrie at the altar!!!! Luckily he wised up. And we can’t take away the fact these two are soulmates — despite their ups and downs.

“I will love you forever, Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours.” Le serious sigh.

1. Aiden “The Perfect Man” Shaw

Exhibit A: Insert heart-eyed emoji. Like thousands of them.

Exhibit B: He was there not only for Carrie, but also her friends.

Exhibit C: “I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT!”

Case closed.