Bachelor Pad's witty meteorologist reports his weekly predictions to Life & Style.

Hi, it's the Weatherman (a.k.a. Jonathan Novack) from Bachelor Pad! If you remember, Ali sent me home in New York City on this past season of The Bachelorette. If you don't remember, I like long walks on the beach, wearing white jackets, and battling with Craig M.

Bachelor Pad is heating up! People are spewing lies like a geyser, backstabbing like it's going out of style, and eating pie...well, like it's pie. We've managed to fill the hot tub to the brim with Tenley's tears. Natalie and Jesse S. have made out with almost everyone in the house, except Chris Harrison (still four episodes left!). And we all now have the most golden tans in Southern California.

The house has split into two groups: the Insiders and the Outsiders. Between seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, contestants get together at reunions, hook up, make friends, etc. So coming into Pad, some people had taken advantage of those prior relationships. Everyone else was on their own - until now!

That said, I've recently discovered that my weatherman skills give me the specific ability to forecast next week's events on the show, and I'll be here to provide a weekly report. Like any weatherman, I can't guarantee the accuracy of this forecast, so keep that in mind. (Also, you'll find no spoilers here!)

Natalie and Jessie S. start a dating service. It's called Skip Right to the Nightcap Inc.

I cut my hand with a machete, and Gia says she's going to give me a bandage but then gives it to Wes to patch up his guitar.

Kovacs finally realizes Elizabeth is lying to him, but then she tells him she's not and they go back to normal.

At the rose ceremony, Tenley cries when she sees a petal fall off one of the roses.

Gwen tells me she'd never date me in 100 years, then reveals she's 98.

I finally get all the body paint off me, only to realize I now have a permanent outline of a Speedo on my lower body.

There are the Insiders and the Outsiders, but next week Nikki and Ashley form their own group and call it the Side Talkers.

Peyton and Jesse B.'s voices form an alliance, creating the most powerful Southern accent ever.

All this will happen next week (probably not) on the sizzling show of summer, Bachelor Pad!

Follow the Weatherman at twitter.com/Jonathan_Novack.