12 All Too Real Stand-Up Jokes You’ll Probably Relate to More Than You Should

Misc

Jul 8, 2018 10:00 am·

By Life & Style Staff

TOP STORIES

Picture

Some of Your Favorite Celebrities Love Posting Nude Photos: Kendall Jenner, Britney Spears and More!

Celebrities Who Post Nude Photos Online: Kesha, Selena Gomez and More

Former Disney Star Dan Benson Feels 'Badass' Doing Porn: 'Empowerment'

Heidi Klum Admits She Loves Going Topless: See Her Sexiest Photos Ever

The 'Summer House' Cast Is Raking It In: See Net Worths, Bravo Salaries

Which Below Deck Couples are Still Together

'Below Deck' Couples: What Happened to Yachties Who Had Boatmances?

When going to stand-up shows or watching comedy specials, comedians love making jokes about their bitter, depraved lives, often making light of stuff they might be going through. And sure, we may chuckle into our vodka sodas at their misfortune, but gradually, we all come to the same realization: we're relating to these jokes way more than we'd like to admit. Not like there's anything wrong with spending an entire weekend second-guessing our life choices while crying over pizza, but we normally like to keep that to ourselves… and our therapist. Yet, here we are, feeling these comedians' words in our souls because they're just too real. Below, 12 jokes so relatable they'll make you say, "True."

Deal of the Day

Stay Dressed To Impress All Summer Long, Thanks to This Portable Steam — 70% Off View Deal

1 of 12

John Mulaney

"In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin."

2 of 12

Iliza Shlesinger

"The weekend represents the 48 hours that you have to f–k up the life you worked so hard for all week."

3 of 12

Mike Birbiglia

"I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated."

4 of 12

Hannibal Buress

"There have been times I've been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, 'Time to go home.'"

5 of 12

Jim Gaffigan

"You ever got one thing to do all day, but you just can't get yourself to do it? 'I gotta go to the post office…but I'd probably have to put on pants. They're only open until five. I'm going to have to do that next week."

6 of 12

Daniel Tosh

"I don't think I can stab somebody cause I'm really bad at Capri Sun."

7 of 12

Aziz Ansari

"I spend so much time on the internet. I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading."

8 of 12

Mike Mulloy

"I found out that Crossfit is a lot like reverse Fight Club. Because the first rule of Crossfit is to never shut the f–k up about Crossfit."

9 of 12

Daniel Simonsen

"It's really difficult to be a human. Like, have you ever done something awkward and then thought about it for eight years?"

10 of 12

Natasha Leggero

"Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine."

11 of 12

Demetri Martin

"Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself."

12 of 12

Samantha Ruddy

"People get really mad if you try to give them advice on what to do with their kids if you don’t have kids. So I’ve started getting really mad when people who have kids tell me how to spend my free time. I’m like, ‘Listen, you don’t understand free time unless you have free time. You stick to making lunches and I’ll stick to playing Xbox in my pajamas.’"

Just For You

Conversation

All comments are subject to our Community Guidelines. Life & Style does not endorse the opinions and views shared by our readers in our comment sections. Our comments section is a place where readers can engage in healthy, productive, lively, and respectful discussions. Offensive language, hate speech, personal attacks, and/or defamatory statements are not permitted. Advertising or spam is also prohibited.