In a new heartbreaking post, Married at First Sight alum Jamie Otis is honoring the third “angelversary” of her son, Jonathan, after suffering a miscarriage back in 2016. The star, who has been open about her miscarriages and pregnancy struggles in the past, has celebrated her son before. In December 2017, she remembered what would’ve been his first birthday. Now, she’s honoring the day that she gave birth to him, despite the fact that it was also the day she lost him.

“Happy angelversary to our first born son, Johnathan Edward,👼🏼💙” Jamie, 33, shared on Saturday, July 13. “Three years ago today, I sat on a hospital stretcher pushing and screaming in excruciating pain. I was delivering my baby boy at just 17 weeks, 1 day pregnant.”

Sharing a photo her and husband Doug Hehner with their baby, as well as her pregnancy photos and a picture of Jonathan’s tiny footprints, she continued, “I remember this day vividly. The pain was an out of body experience. It was a pain my SOUL felt.”

“His little body was so tiny and fragile, but he was *perfect* with all ten fingers and ten toes,👣” the star shared. “I held him close and kissed his sweet face. He was way too small to survive.😢 I hate that I never got the chance to rock him to sleep or bounce him ’til he laughed. My heart aches. I couldn’t protect and nurture him. I’d have given *anything* to keep him safe so he could grow to be healthy, happy [and] strong.”

Jamie and Doug welcomed their daughter in August 2017, just eight months after they were due to welcome their son, and she can’t help but imagine what their lives would’ve been like with him. “I always wonder what it’d be like to have him running around the house,” she said. “Would he have liked cars and trucks or bugs and animals? I know he is up in heaven bouncing on clouds and dancing with the angels now.😇☁️”

Though it’s been three years since the couple lost Jonathan, they endeavor to make sure he stays a part of their lives. “As I kissed his sweet face goodbye, I whispered to him that I would spend my life honoring his and I’ll *never* break that promise,🙏🏻👼🏻” Jamie finished. “I truly believe that my angel up in heaven is watching over us everyday and we will meet again one day. Until then, I will spend my life honoring his short one.💫🙏🏻✨”

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"It wasn't my choice to survive without you. So I will spend my life living for you and honoring you." I was so happy to have you in my belly. I was 3 months pregnant with you in this photo … little did I know a month later I'd lose you. The heartache since you left has been excruciating. Johnny, I can't help but think of what you'd look like if you were able to stay in there safe & sound & come to us like you were supposed to for Christmas. I'll always love & honor you. You're my angel baby. Even though we only met briefly & I only got to hold you & give you kisses once – I still miss you. I'll always, always love you. 👼🏼💙 #AngelBaby #babyboy #JohnathanEdward #miscarriage #neverforget #3months

A post shared by J a m i e O t i s ✨ (@jamienotis) on

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In a candid moment, the star reminded her fans that “1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage/loss,” and warned them to be careful what they say to those who are grieving. “If you’re a mama in the midst of this — the pain is excruciating,💔” she shared. “I’m so sorry, mama.🙏🏻 I won’t say, ‘Everything happens for a reason,’ or, ‘At least you know you can get pregnant,’ [because] I remember secretly hating it every time someone said things like that to me. Like, what could be a good reason for Johnathan not having the chance at life? AND yes I am thankful I can get pregnant but I wanted THAT pregnancy — THAT baby.😞”

She does have some words of comfort, though. “What I will say is this: Even though you’re going through some of the darkest days of your life, please know the storm doesn’t come without leaving a rainbow at the end.🌈🙏🏻 And it’s ok to cry, scream, and GRIEVE as long as you need.💗”