Sometimes I wonder if Kylie Jenner is more of a person or a brand, and then I get smacked with a $325.00 lip kit and I’m like, “Oh. Brand.” With her upcoming 20th birthday and the quickly-selling Birthday Lip Kit collection, the youngest of the Kardashian clan feels very much like a product that society wants to buy up en masse. That’s how I ended up on The Kylie Shop, trying to see and understand what exactly Kylie is trying to sell us. The reaction?
Who. Allowed. This.
No, seriously, who is buying this?
Now to be clear I have the style of a ’50s housewife with the sex appeal of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, so the convergence of those two things probably doesn’t make me the right demographic. But I also have to wonder who the f-ck is the right demographic for this? Impressionable youths? People who don’t respect the sanctity of good taste? I don’t know, I genuinely do not understand.
Anyway, here’s a brief sampling of things in the Kylie Shop that I can’t even f-cking deal with right now.
“I Love Lip Kits” Socks
There is no reason on this planet that these socks ever needed to be birthed into existence. Even if you are an expert cosmetologist who loves self-expression, there is no moment where you say to yourself, “You know where’s a good place to showcase my enthusiasm for lip kits? The soles of my feet.“
Navy Fire Sweatpants
Nobody even wears navy, this has been scientifically proven.* Even if you opted for the black, though, what’s the big draw on fire sweat pants, let alone sweatpants that scrunch at the bottom?After the ’90s I made a mental promise to the universe to never wear those in public, I thought we all made that promise.
* This is probably, not actually scientifically proven.
This Shirt of What I Think Is Storm From X-Men?
It’s actually just Kylie in high contrast with white hair, but the way the image is cut makes it legit look like some t-shirt your friend made with the first picture off Google Images search, and now she’s trying to sell it off Etsy, and you have to gently tell her that $40 is maybe a bit steep. Like, come on Morgan, learn to Photoshop or accept that your online store isn’t paying off your student loans.
Distressed Kylie and Kendall Shirt
Dude, I’m pretty sure there are shirts on Etsy like this. But Kylie and co. took the time to take a repurposed sentiment and then shred the hell out of it so you will never be able to know warmth.
Cotton Candy Camo Sweatpants
We’re about to be assaulted with an onslaught of camo, so just brace yourself for that. What’s especially great about this visual disaster is that it’s accesorized with a pair of clear high-heeled booties. You know, the way we all wear our sweatpants.
This Freaking Jacket
Oh cool, there’s a tacky looking windbreaker in the same print. Maybe at this point, you’re thinking, “Ok, yeah, us peasants can’t pull off this kind of ensemble, but Kylie herself can no doubt rock it.”
Oh no, JK, she looks ri-f-cking-diculous.
This Orange Camo Sweatshirt
The fact that I just had to type the phrase “orange camo sweatshirt” was physically painful to me — that hasn’t been a viable fashion combination in the entire history of ever. BUT ALSO, WHY IS SHE TRYING TO SELL US ALL THIS CAMOUFLAGE?
This Green Camo Hat That Is Literally Just a Green Camo Hat
How dare you.
This Cartoon Lingerie Shirt
My knee-jerk reaction to this is still a hard, “Why?” but within the melange of other terrible items it’s pretty much a creative masterwork. Like, this is the Mona Lisa of terrible overpriced celebrity merch.
This Thong, For Real, Tho
The actual title for this is “Baby Pink Lips Thong Panties.” Let that soak in. Then look at the print. And then we just need to move on real quick.
Why buy flip-flops for a buck at the dollar store when you can spend your grocery money on these bad boys?
This Athletic Wear(?)
The thing about this is that originally, because of the way it was sized, I thought to myself, “Wait, who hates their child this much?” But no, it’s for grown-ups.
And of Course, Literally This T-Shirt of Kylie’s A–
Legally I don’t think a Kardashian-brand shop can exist without someone in the family pulling their pants down on some merchandise.
But really, I do love the layers of this. Can’t wait to put on my a– shirt on, my pink camo sweatpants, my “I Love Lip Kit Socks” socks with my plastic high heels and head out the door.