Anyone who loves Vanderpump Rules has not-so-fond memories of star Jax Taylor and his wicked ways from early seasons. But in the more recent years of the show, life has thrown him some serious curveballs and he’s been forced to learn from them. Believe it or not, the dude has matured leaps and bounds to the point where he’s even engaged to longtime girlfriend, Brittany Cartwright. But interestingly enough, what brought them to their union was Jax’s dad’s passing last year. Jax took to social media on Dec. 27, to commemorate the emotional day.

“One year ago today I lost the man I aspire to be, my best friend,” Jax captioned a sweet old photo of his father holding him as a baby. “Still waking up every morning waiting for that text I always get from ya, ‘Hey bud, what’s going on? What crazy shit are you getting into today?’ Or ‘How’s your cars doing?’, or the most important thing, ‘You watch the @detroitredwings game last night?’ You would think he had something invested in the team he LOVED his redwings so much.”

Jax, 39, used the caption as a confessional and a conversation with his father and yes, we’re severely emotional about it. “I know you are with me because too many positive things have happened to me this year and I have seen so many signs of you,” he wrote. “We still get to have our talks but now they take place at church on Wednesdays and when I take your ashes with me on my cruises with the guys. BTW, Dad, everyone loves your Corvette and I promise I am taking great care of it.” We need a tissue, ugh.

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One year ago today I lost the man I aspire to be, my best friend, still waking up every morning waiting for that text I always get from ya, “hey bud, what’s going on? What crazy shit are you getting into today?” Or “hows your cars doing?”, or the most important thing, “you watch the @detroitredwings game last night?” You would think he had something invested in the team he LOVED his redwings so much. I still can’t believe you’re gone, sometimes I don’t think it’s real, I listen to your voicemails and videos all the time, always thinking, “what if ?” Or “why?” I know you are with me because too many positive things have happened to me this year and I have seen so many signs of you. We still get to have our talks but now they take place at church on Wednesday’s and when I take your ashes with me on my cruises with the guys. Btw, dad everyone loves your corvette and I promise I am taking great care of it. I am getting married this year dad, I don’t know how I am gonna do it with out you physically standing by me, and helping me with my tie like the old days at hockey tournaments, god I miss those days. But I know you will be with me. I still don’t understand how God could take the best man/person/husband/father/coach I know. After you passed I have to admit I wanted nothing to do with God, I was angry, sad, disgusted on how he could take such a beautiful man, but I remembered how much you loved him and how you always told me how important God was to you, so I started going back to church and believing again, I have to believe he has a plan, and that I will see you again one day. I love you dad so much, I hope you are proud of me and all the changes I have made with myself. It wasn’t easy after you left us, but with the help of Jenny and Brittany, I have learned to deal with things in a more positive, healthy way. Today is a hard day, but we will get through it like we always do. I love you dad so much, you are and will always be my best friend. Till we meet again. ✝️💟😔

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“I am getting married this year dad,” Jax wrote. “I don’t know how I am gonna do it [without] you physically standing by me, and helping me with my tie like the old days at hockey tournaments, God I miss those days. But I know you will be with me.”

“I still don’t understand how God could take the best man/person/husband/father/coach I know,” Jax explained further in the caption. “After you passed, I have to admit I wanted nothing to do with God. I was angry, sad, disgusted on how he could take such a beautiful man, but I remembered how much you loved him and how you always told me how important God was to you, so I started going back to church and believing again.”

“I have to believe he has a plan, and that I will see you again one day. I love you Dad so much, I hope you are proud of me and all the changes I have made with myself,” Jax asked in his caption and we’re really not OK.

Jax famously broke down during the Season 6 reunion of Vanderpump Rules over his father’s death and has attributed Brittany’s handling of the situation to why he feels she’s the one on several different occasions since. He passed on Dec. 27, 2017 after a battle with cancer.

Between reunions, on the Bravo hit, and in interviews, Jax has consistently correlated his father’s death and his engagement to Brittany, so we wouldn’t be surprised if there really was something cosmic there. Undoubtedly, Jax’s dad is watching down over him happily.