There are many reasons we love Lifetime:

  1. They make the cheesiest, yet greatest movies — hands down. (Who hasn’t had a hangover marathon in bed with fried food? Don’t lie.)
  2. Donna Martin and DJ Tanner have starred in countless films. (HELLOOOO AWESOME.)
  3. They brought us the cinematic masterpiece that is the Unauthorized Saved by the Bell film last night.

OK. We’re not being serious about the cinematic masterpiece part, but whatevs. The inner ‘90s kid in us will admit it brought back all the nostalgic feelings — buuuuuut that inner ‘90s kid will also admit there were MANY (and we’re being generous with that term) issues with it.

Without further ado, here is our open letter to the hot and awesome mess of a flick:

1. ZACK MORRIS IS A BABE. We repeat: ZACK MORRIS IS A BABE

sbtb

Sorry not sorry, but why was this Dylan Everett kid cast? He’s not disgusting or anything, but he’s certainly NOT Zack Morris material — even with the fake blonde hair. We’re not mad, just disappointed.

2. Speaking of the incomparable Zack Morris, Tori Spelling wanted to get with him

sbtb

Remember when she starred as Violet, Screech’s love interest on the show? According to Dustin Diamond’s (Screech) book, he was very attracted to Aaron Spelling’s daughter and tried to put the moves on her. Too bad she asked him to introduce her to Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack) instead. But honestly…didn’t every freakin’ girl in America want to get with MPG? (Pretty sure they all still do.) AHEM:

sbtb

3. WHERE WAS TORI???

tori

They barely showed the Goddess of the Leather Jackets. When the stars portraying Tiffani Thiessen (Kelly) and Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie) decide not to extend their contracts, they’re seen leaving the set and Elizabeth tells the prettiest beotch in the universe (Kelly Kapowski = babe) that Leanna Creel is their replacement. You see her silhouette. That’s all. Listen, we’re not huge Tori fans (is anyone?), but poor gal could have got a little more recognition than that. She was, after all, forced to wear mannish things while trying to woo Zack Morris — yeah, because that’s reality. Ugh.

4. AND WHERE WAS STACEY CAROSI???????

sbtb

We mean, commmmme on. Stacey (Leah Remini) was the only girl aside from Kelly that made Zack’s heart (among other things, we’re sure — sorry, have to keep it PG) flutter. Not even a hat tip to Leon Carosi. BLASPHEMY.

5. One crummy mention of Showgirls

sbtb

We were so excited, we were so excited, we were so…scared…for an in-depth look at Elizabeth's gorgeous portrayal as stripper-turned-Las-Vegas-showgirl Nomi from the 1995 Oscar-worthy flick. What did we get? Screech glossing over it at the end. WHATEVER.

6. Oh, Mr. Belding was involved for all of 20 minutes

sbtb

DENNIS HASKINS IS A MAN OF PURE GENIUS. He needed more airtime. Blatant disrespect.

7. No Hot Sundae???

sbtb

1…2…3…bend! 1…2…3…stretch! We were prepared to sing “Go For It!” on the top of our lungs. Instead, all we bended and stretched to was the nearest pint of Ben & Jerry's.

8. Jennie Garth auditioned for the role of Kelly Kapowski — how’s that for irony, Val!

sbtb

Thankfully she landed another Kelly role on the original Beverly Hills, 90210. And we despise all things Kelly Taylor, so we’re thanking the SBTB Gods this didn’t happen. We’re also so happy Tiffani (still annoyed she dropped the Amber) went on to star on the show as bad girl Valerie Malone — and gave Kelly the bitchiness she deserved.

9. Don’t even get us started about them pretending Zack Attack didn’t exist

sbtb

How do you even leave out “Friends Forever”??? TRAGIC.

10. Don’t try and ruin our Zack and Kelly dreams with Zack and Lisa visions

sbbt

According to the movie, MPG and Lark Voohries (Lisa) had a secret romance. Sorry. Not. Buying. It.

11. That guy playing Mario Lopez should never say "Preppy" or "mama" again

ac

Sorry. No one does it quite like the original A.C. Slater (Mario).

Hey, at least they gave us the caffeine pills scene — and it was just as much of a hot mess as the original.

sbtb

WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU TORI AND STACEY.

sbtb