So I'm very begrudgingly qualified to write the weekly Jersey Shore Family Vacation recap, having spent a decade trying to beat back my own Jerseyness. Candidly, I watched the show as a guilty pleasure in college because, welp, the universe won't let me forget that I'm a Jersey girl. I vacationed in Seaside. I wear leopard print. My brother ran into Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola at Dearborn Market the other week. She's in a really good place right now, by the way, although (and get ready to be reminded of this) she's the only castmate to not to join the reunion.

But neither of us could ignore the all-too-soon return of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Jenni "JWoww" Farley, Deena Cortese, Pauly "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio, Vinny Guadagnino, Ronnie Magro, and Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. So while I respect Sammi abstaining from this franchise, I guess I'm coming back to the shore. And feel free to come along with me on the spray-tan coated hot mess that is, Jersey Shore Family Vacation.

Watch the video above for our reactions to this week's episode and scroll down for our full recap of Jersey Shore Family Vacation. Spoilers ahead!

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 14 Recap: "The Final Supper"

From what I can tell, or maybe I’ve just started blocking out memories of this show, we’re not picking up where we left off. Instead, it’s a last supper of sorts, with Situation declaring, “I think we should go around the table and talk about our favorite memories.” So not even a last supper, a clip show. A clip show of a clip show.

This is almost done, they promised me after the last episode it’s almost done.

“My personal favorite is me and Ron spiraling,” Snooki contributes, referring to their 24-hour binge-drinking venture versus Ronnie’s 24/7 lifestyle choices.

Pauly’s favorite memory is “Being the prank war champion,” because he hates me and wants to burst a blood vessel, I guess. Vinny’s favorite moments are when his mom and Uncle Prosciutto Gabagool visited and raining champagne on that one chick (which is also Deena’s favorite moment). JWoww’s favorite moment is when Vinny and Pauly declared to their love for each other (same). Situation’s favorite moment was just being here, which is just wasting my time.

So let’s just get to killjoy Ronnie, who thinks that all the hard partying, drunken times were positive because “having fun is who I really am.” He decides to share his lowest moment too in case we forgot when he cheated on his baby momma.

sammi sweetheart

Anyway, Mike says something shady about Ron that I like half paid attention to and finishes the dig with “Ronnie you’re getting hammered tonight, son.” This unleashes a wave of last-minute unneeded drama:

“Why are you judging?” Snooki shoots back.

“Mike, why do you say Ron needs rehab?” JWoww further instigates for no reason. This unleashes a Ron-Ron blow-up like we’ve never see, except in every episode before this.

Ronnie’s all like, “You let your alcoholism affect your whole life,” the depths of his denial getting cavernous. “I get crazy when I party but I never let it f–k up my life.”

“Did you not call me two weeks before we came here and say you needed rehab?” Mike shouts, baffled.

“Mary Grace is visiting right now but she’s working so I can’t talk too loud,” my mom says loudly, on the phone with her friend Patty.

Suffice to say, it’s a mess. Deena pours more red wine and I can hear Pauly say “AWKWARD” a mile before it hits. There’s still like half an hour left of this.

the situation

When Ronnie and Mike reconvene to talk things out, Ronnie says that Mike is a little b—h for talking about that rehab call. And like, I don’t know, he’s not unwrong, but can we consider something for a second? This entire show, for literally just under a decade, is about putting your (gym tan) dirty laundry on air. If you’re not interested in doing that, then, you know, you can elect to not be on television where your exploits will be edited and magnified for millions of people.

So to summarize, what’s especially daunting about Jersey Shore is that we consume this madness and ill behavior as entertainment. Occasionally, we get reminders that these aren’t characters, they’re real people (Jenni’s miscarriage reveal, Mike’s problems with tax evasion) and they have to live a complex life off-camera. Yet because of this convergence, it’s really hard to seriously empathize with Ronnie as a human because Ronnie as a character is so hugely despicable. And likewise, I think it’s confusing for the cast to know where the hard limits are when it comes to their personal lives.

Anyway.

“My reaction was to your action,” Ronnie says to Sitch, which is pretty much what he said in regards to Jen. This man loves not being accountable for his actions, which is by the way a great lesson to teach his little girl. You know, not like that kid wasn’t going to blame Ronnie for her problems anyway. In closing, Ronnie and Mike make up until there’s drama needed for next season.

ronnie

“Tomorrow this vacation is over…” Jenni starts saying and WAIT A MINUTE, it’s tomorrow? It’s the last day of vacation FOR REAL THIS TIME, GUYS, and Pauly got a call from his agent saying that he’s DJing at Eleven (tastelessly stylized as E11EVEN). Jenni and Deena go to drag brunch, and Deena does a dramatic reenactment of “Me Coming Home From Lunch at Maloney’s Yesterday Because It’s Been A Rough Few Weeks.”

The gang gets all dolled up for one final hard-partying outing, and Snooki even brings back The Pouf, reminding me of a simpler time when I got to watch this show for leisure. Let’s rage.

I don’t know what fresh and exciting commentary I can add to the millionth clubbing scene we’ve seen this season. Snooki is getting lap dances instead of stealing money from strippers, and other than that it’s pretty much a lot of the same. EXCEPT WHAT, OH. MY. F–KING. GOD. Vanessa the Stalker is there, not Danielle the Stalker.

Pauly has a moment of epiphany where he asks, “Is she a stalker or a super supporter?” And from what I can tell, Vanessa has been trying to make a brand out of being a celebrity hunter so it’s one in the same? A bit of both? Everyone wins? In any case, there’s enough ego-stroking here where Pauly just stops caring, and so do I.

pauly d and the situation

The next day, as everyone puts on their “Family Is Everything (Unless You’re Sammi”) shirts. Vinny chats with Pauly as they make breakfast about his girlfriend. “Even though we’re good, I really don’t think that relationship is going to work out. I think I’m breaking up with her,” Vinny says, as Pauly’s eyes light up. “For you.” OMG, as Vinny drops to one knee it’s clear this is the moment I’ve been waiting for. “Will you be my boyfriend, again?” he asks, to Pauly’s furious cries of, “Yes!” Then Vinny’s like “JK, I’m not breaking up with my girlfriend” and this series disappoints me one final time.

But as the cabs roll in and I notice Jenni is wearing orange blush for her trip home, a sense of calm washes over me. It’s been a hard nostalgia attack the entire way through, and we all had our begrudging moments of fun throughout. And though the Sammi doll turning to spout, “I’m done with it” is supposed to freak us out, I feel as free as the real Sammi. I’m done with it. I’m done with it too.

…alright, I’ll see you guys in Vegas in a few weeks.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 13 Recap: "Future Mrs. Situations"

Before we begin, there’s (shocker) a recap of Ronnie’s season-long spiral to a distasteful and tacky cover of “Hallelujah.” I don’t like it.

And because we need a reminder, I guess, the family revisits the Mike/Jenni altercation. “She’s not even mad at me, she’s mad at somebody else,” Mike says, which is an interesting statement that gets no further explanation. Whatever, he doesn’t need this drama, I just wanna have a proposal (so everyone can stop talking and get on with it). The girls split up for a spa day and the boys split up to run errands, save for Ronnie who’s really in the Bell Jar.

Everyone gives Lauren lots of praise and support even though she insists Mike did all the hard work. He got sober “a couple times” before the court case started and raised the stakes. What does “getting sober a couple of times” mean, though? Shouldn’t it be more of an “I’m sober and that’s it forever” which is how he’s living now? Because otherwise I’m going to pat myself on the bat for getting sober after a night out yesterday, and staying sober until probably halfway through this article. Whatever, this woman clearly put up with so much s–t.

What are the boys up to? Let’s see. They’re buying matching outfits and spending $1,241 on proposal flowers. That is ridiculous. They go to Sugar Factory for dessert, so Sitch gets some stress cupcakes, or maybe just cupcakes for the proposal, I don’t know anymore.

situation eating

Oh great, Ronnie’s just crying, all like, “I came in the house and made this portrait, this picture of Jen, this perfect couple.” Girl, I don’t think going into a house with a baby momma you knocked up after a few months of dating is anyone’s idea of like, “a perfect couple.” Interestingly enough, Sitch is the one to sit on his bed and be like, “Hey buddy, you wanna talk about what’s going on?” He says if Ronnie’s happy with Jen, that’s all that matters.

“I don’t know if I’m happy with Jen,” he sniffles. Well, you’re not crying in bed because it’s a healthy relationship.

The gang tells Lauren and Situation to GTFO so they can set up the proposal, and we’re subjected to an agonizingly long sequence where they pretend to decorate the house and the Situation tries to stall at dinner. “I’m not even hungry right now,” he says while ordering oysters, lobsters, mini burgers, and lobster ravioli.

For real though, the build-up here feels five hours long, and despite a small bright spot with the boys’ matching outfits (“What are you, a yacht dealer?”) I’m bored out of my mind. Panicked, Mike calls and nobody answers the duck phone.

jersey shore duck phone

Weird how Mike has a cell phone for this scene. Weird how the gang happens to have a cell phone when it’s required for the plot.

Anyway, they make it all pretty, Pauly D is literally DJing this proposal (omfg I hate him) and Mike’s all, “I want my girl to remember this for the rest of her life and I have no idea what I’m about to walk into.” Well, luckily for her, this moment is being filmed for national television, so she doesn’t have to remember it for the rest of her life. If Snooki and Deena scream, “It’s happening” one more time and I swear if this proposal doesn’t start in the next five minutes, I’m going to quit this show and never look back.

Vinny tells the couple to proceed to follow the “trail of love”, a carpet adorned with rose petals and sparkly pink balloons. Cliches aside, it’s actually pretty sweet until Snooki brings me back with the sound bite, “Oh my god, I’m going to cry, f–k me in the a–hole.”

So the proposal itself involves a shmaltzy slideshow that opens with, “I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn’t even love myself.” They go through all their memories in photos, Mike says his stock proposal, the girls are crying, and hearsay is that some of my co-workers are crying watching this too, but this is not what gets to me. I am 100% dry-eyed until they give Lauren a rainbow cookie and she’s all like, “My favorite!” and they cheers. Like, that’s my boyfriend’s favorite too and we’ve always been of the conviction that the little things mean so much more than a douchey extravagant slideshow.

Also, I love free food. I’d be so stoked if at the end of my proposal I got a free cookie.

deena jersey shore

Anyway, the next day the Situation has made everything into plurals to celebrate his engagement (Pretties, breakfasts, fiancées, Laurens — what is this?). Pauly remarks that they’re acting super differently now and says, “Remind me not to give you a ring, Vinny.” Don’t even kid about that.

Because we have another five minutes to kill, the boys get lunch and for the millionth time this episode, we joke about Situation ordering a lot of food. He’s not going to fit into his wedding dress. The girls also hang hard and sip on their water. “I feel like we had fun and kept it classy for the most part,” Deena says as they reflect on this trip. I am CACKLING.

Everything is a big recap. This recap is a recap of recaps.

I’m glad it’s almost over, though. When they all reunite, Situation starts going in on how Ronnie’s problems all stem from his alcoholism. JWoww is all, “If Ronnie finds about this he would literally destroy Mike, so Mike has to zip it,” yet tattles IMMEDIATELY once Ronnie walks into the room. OK, they’re teasing Season 2 with Ronnie and Mike drama, that’s kind of a weird place to cut things off.

…Oh no.

IS THERE ANOTHER EPISODE AFTER THIS? (Yes, yes there is.)

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 12 Recap: "JWoww vs the Proposal"

“What the hell is my mom doing in the middle of the kitchen now in the middle of Miami?” says Vinny, who didn’t even try to read last week’s script. In case you fell asleep on us, Vinny’s mother and intelligible uncle are in the house. She’s making a huge spread of food with prosciutto and mozzarella freshly imported from Staten Island. Everyone is justifiably stoked about the free homecooked Italian food, except for Vinny who so clearly hates his Uncle Alfredo Sauce.

Hot take: I kind of do, too? I know that “Original Guido” Uncle Nino is supposed to be a fan favorite, but he is a really out of hand caricature who speaks nothing but incomprehensible nonsense capped off with “God Bless America.” Like, you know Vinny brought him on TV years ago as kind of joke, and once it became a Thing, he got really aggravated. So sure, the gang is excited to see him because to them Uncle Spaghetti and Meatballs is a whimsical novelty. They don’t have to sit with him at Thanksgiving and listen to him garble for three hours. You don’t know what he’s saying, but you’re pretty sure it’s racist.

Also, “When I see Uncle Eggplant Rollatini it’s like looking at Ronnie after 20 years,” Vinny remarks. Well, that helps explain why I can’t stand him.

uncle nino

Well, anyway. Dinner is interesting because Paula asks about Mike’s girlfriend visiting and then Ronnie’s girlfriend visiting. I know this is like, foreshadowing for the rest of the episode but I find it VERY funny that Mama Guadagnino doesn’t ask Vinny about his own girlfriend. She’s very successfully edging her out of the narrative.

And all I have to say about Paula’s spread is that it looks delicious and funfetti cake seems to be an out-of-place recurring dessert with this crew. Like if you’re going to harp on Italian stereotypes, you start straight at cannoli and go down from there.

They decide to roast Uncle Gold Chain and yet the jokes slide off him, probably because he’s so freshly greased. The boys also try to bash open some coconuts with a pot, and this is a lot of filler.

The next day, Ronnie confides in Paula about how he knocked up his girlfriend and she offers some sage but probably useless advice. “You take your time because people change,” she says. “Like who I was 10 years ago that’s not who I am today. It’s just nature, nothing wrong with the person, you know?”

ronnie jersey shore family vacation stressed

What’s intriguing about this Jersey Shore Family Vacation is that it’s based around this premise of “the more things change, the more they stay the same.” In little ways, the JS crew have matured, sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstance, and some definitely more than others. Ronnie, however, has remained untouched by time. This plight becomes resoundingly clear by the end of the episode.

So now to another thing: Ronnie is chatting with the girls and reveals he’s nervous Jen’s going to cheat. Why? Because she’s done it before. Um…

JWoww’s phones in with, “Well now it makes sense that Ron is acting the way he’s been acting.” And yet I’m not…buying this revisionist history of Ronnie and Jen’s relationship. Is this real? Maybe it’s real? Is this the narrative we’re going to spin? It’s totally plausible, I guess, I just didn’t really think Ronnie and Jen were even together long enough for her to cheat. But I guess the opposite could be said about him.

Still, I don’t appreciate Ronnie being like, “But everything that I did was a reaction to her actions.” I mean, there’s an entire series about your history as a serial cheater, so I wouldn’t get on your high horse now.

ronnie jersey shore glasses

Whatever, TODAY’S THE DAY, FAM, the day that Mike has prepared 0% for: he’s going to propose to his longtime love, Lauren. I don’t truly buy this, but whatever. The gang is like, “Why don’t we set up the proposal here?” Pauly’s contribution is, “I’ll DJ the whole thing.” Of course it is. Also at the exact moment they’re planning the proposal, the ring conveniently shows up at their front door.

You know what? It’s pretty. There is nothing offensive about this ring.

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Gym Tan Laurens 💍

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The next day, we notice a bit of tension between JWoww and Sitch has been written into the script. Mike notices that Jenni is being hostile toward his proposal, the girls talk s–t because Mike isn’t doing anything (not untrue).. Cut to: the boys going to the f–king barber shop. Mike decides he has a little prank brewing for JWoww for being so shady. UM, LIKE. Why not focus on a proposal, I don’t…?

I’m spending so much time philosophizing this episode, so yeah, OK, Lauren arrives. She seems sweet. She gets to say “Cab’s are here” when they’re on the way to the Sugar Factory. What a dark little franchise she’s marrying into.

Ronnie’s a little bit jealous of Situation’s normal, healthy relationship and starts trashing him in the car. Then he rats out Mike to Jenni, saying that Sitch is planning to hit her in the face with a pie. JWoww maturely FLIPS out all and starts talking about how she’s going to sabotage the whole damn thing. “Let’s not do that,” says Snooki, a shocking voice of reason.

But JWoww is super aggro at the Sugar Factory, loudly being all like, “I’m about to ruin someone’s proposal.” Which sounds dubbed in, by the way, like it just sounds like reused footage from the car. It’s weird. So is the sabotage that Jenni and Ronnie are just basically talking loudly about getting engagement related things? Because that’s really passive-aggressive childish and immature behavior, don’t do that.

jwoww back off

Finally, Lauren and Deena take a breather so JWoww can lash out. She’s all like, “Dude, I helped you pick out the ring, I gave you my ringmaker, days of my vacation, I’m planning this whole staged proposal and you don’t appreciate it.” She’s in the right, even if this does feel like drama inorganically written in to stretch out the last two episodes. So Mike apologizes and I guess they’re cool and spoiler alert: Lauren is getting proposed to in the next episode.

Oh, but one more huge bummer before we close out the episode. Ronnie gets home and is all, “I’m realizing I have to reevaluate my life and myself.” His talking head seems real, like a genuine look at how disappointed he is with his life. “I don’t have like all the s–t they have, it’s just me,” he blubbers, lamenting how things went so wrong. “Cause I was with a girl for 8 years and that didn’t work out, and like now I got a girl pregnant for f–king after a year and it’s probably not going to work out. So what’s the good…what is it, please tell me. Because I f–king have no idea, I don’t know.” And then he sobs a lot. He sobs a lot and we’re reminded of Paula’s earlier statement: that people change, and yet somehow he’s still “the same crying ass b—h Ronnie.”

He crawls into bed with his duck.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 11 Recap: "Angelina Makes Her Mark"

So last time we left off, JWoww was taking out the trash.

“We need to finish as a family and we hope that you’re OK with that, we really do,” she tells Angelina, who was just flown out by MTV like an episode and a half ago. And yet in a rare turn of events, Angelina is shockingly cool with it. “I’m not mad at all,” she says. “I was able to be part of something I always regretted.” And there’s no way that we’re not being prepped for more regret on Angelina’s part. Vinny even teases letting her into the group chat, but I doubt that. This is the kind of friends group that has four group chats excluding different people so they can talk s–t, I’m sure of it.

Everyone goes to Shots to get drunk, having the Best Night Ever and further building up the greatest redemption story ever told. Yes, Angelina is everyone’s best friend! At long last, the Dirty Little Hamster is washed of all her sins!

That is, until Angelina s–ts herself on the cab ride home.

jwoww disgusted

The girls think this is either hilarious or they’re about to throw up (or both?). I’m more in the general category of “horrified,” especially since when Angelina gets home, she explains it’s all fine, it’s just a period s–t. WHAT? The fam takes turns roasting her, their minds boggling at what that actually means, and Angelina shows off her underwear to show it’s skidmark free.

Pauly is either glitching or has something seriously wrong with him because he says “Prank War Champion” about 47 more times. Snooki is also glitching and asks, “Let’s do a nice dance. Mom?” Snooki. Is nobody going to talk about this? Why can’t we have a Snooki drunk sleepwalking subplot?

Angelina wakes Snooki up because the poop thing went too far and she needs to talk it out. That does suck, I guess. Like, mostly for me who had to sit through a 13 minute trial over whether a grown woman s–t herself or not, but for her too. Does anyone else find it weird that Angelina is going to bed with fake eyelashes and a perfect wing? No?

angelina jersey shore blink

“We’re not judging you,” Snooki lies. You know what, I’m objectively grossed out because this show gives me more toilet humor than I, as a 27-year-old woman, ever asked for. But honestly, whatever the sitch is, they shouldn’t be judging her, this place is basically Bowel Movement Palace. Snooki explains that this is just the way the boys are and everyone actually really respects her now.

The next day, Pauly D puts her luggage into trash bags. Siiiiiigh.

Nevertheless, Angelina is convinced that this has been a great career move “Like I’m so fortunate to be here,” she says. Like, she’s so glad she waited eight years to hang out with these people for 36 hours and get mocked for 32 of them. Dark. When the fam reassembles, they reaffirm their love/desire to get a cleaning lady.

“I just want a vacation from this house,” JWoww says, which is some like next level entitlement right there. Then Pauly D tops her with, “Imagine that, we need a vacation from our vacation.”

snooki blink

They decide to go to the Bahamas! Wooo! But as the gang sets sail, Vinny’s mom Paula is calling the duck and not getting a response. Look, we know Paula’s whole Italian Mom brand right now, and homegirl’s two rings away from packing her bags and heading to Miami.

OH WAIT A MINUTE, Uncle Rigatoni Linguini is all like, “Pack a suitcase, we’ll go down to Miami.” And Paula’s like, “You think he’ll get mad at me?” Oh my f–king god, I was joking but they’re actually going through with this plotline.

Meanwhile, Pauly is feeding stingrays which seems like a bad idea, although he’s been annoying me the last few episodes so stingray away, Pauly. They all start jumping into those crystal blue waters like The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. You know, the second one, where they all go to Greece at the end and America Ferrara’s all like, “We never found the pants, but they brought us back together, and that was their final gift to us.” Oh, spoiler alert.

situation glance

Side plot: The Situation hasn’t been looking ripped in a while and refuses to take his shirt off and get in the ocean. That’s because he’s still eating like a hobbit and naps himself into a food coma. I get you, my man. This delays the rest of the gang for a dinner outing and Jenni starts freaking out that he has no consideration for his roommates. And Vinny’s acting like that means JWoww’s going to smack Mike in the face again. Vinny, JWoww wears glasses and goes to bed at 11:30 now. Really this just means they try to ghost him out of elevensies, but Sitch gets to the dinner shuttle at the last minute. There, Mike and Jenni are actually discussing this altercation calmly and openly like adults BUT PAULY KEEPS INTERJECTING LIKE A 5-YEAR-OLD SAYING, “OOOH.”

Vinny asks when Situation is going to pop the question to his longtime love since that’s going to be a plot point in an episode and a half. Sure enough, Lauren’s headed to town soon and Mike has a speech prepared: “You’re my best friend, my soulmate, my better half. You make me a better person, can you make me the happiest man on Earth? Can I have your hand in marriage?”

That’s like…every cliche from the proposal handbook, and yet he’s still the best boyfriend in this house. Double dark.

the situation on the phone

As I Google, “Can you really bring 16 pounds of prosciutto and mozzarella on an airplane,” Paula and Uncle Bada Bing arrive at the house. “I haven’t heard from him in a month,” she says, which is a dirty lie because she told Vinny he’s single like two episodes ago. She’s also soooo shocked he’s not there, which is ridiculous, like as cute as she is, this is absurd. Clearly the f–kng camera crew in her Staten Island home could’ve been like, “Hey, they went on a trip to the Bahamas, that’s why they’re not picking up.” I swear, people don’t up and get a flight to Miami whenever someone does or doesn’t pick up a phone, and when MTV forces these plotlines on us it’s just flatly insulting.

10 points for “Vinny’s not messy, Vinny’s perfect,” tho.

Before the gang leaves the Bahamas, Deena makes some asinine comments about how “Some people spoke Bohemian” and Ronnie and Situation have some more sexually charged banter or something. And then, surprise! They return home to the loving arms and chicken parms of Vinny’s mom, Uncle Francesco Rinaldi, and his new girlfriend Sammi. Yes, the doll.

sammi sweetheart doll

I hope you all brought an appetite.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 10 Recap: "Meatball Training Day"

Oh good, Snooki didn’t drop the vodka.

Now that we (the viewers and the girls) are back, Snooks and JWoww are having STRONG REACTIONS to Angelina being at the table. Snooki literally tries to climb Ronnie she’s so angry(?) since Angelina allegedly called Snooki “an ugly” in an article once. Jenni, who is still legit terrifying, asks the big question: “Why the f–k are you here?”

Angelina looks to the camera like, “Line?” Finally, the teleprompter feeds her the incredibly laughable response, “Cause I wanted to make amends.” This leads to a lot of exhaustive bickering, she-said, she-said, “you never Twittered me” and Angelina planting her feet in the ground. People are eating popcorn, Vinny is cradling a terrified Pauly and Deena. And it’s the lesser meatball that gets candid with us.

“I don’t really know the girl and honestly, Angelina leaving was totally awesome for me because then I got to come in and become part of this awesome family,” Deena shrugs. Word up. If Angelina wasn’t, you know, Angelina, Deena wouldn’t have ended up the seventh least relevant Jersey Shore cast member.

deena no shame

While Angelina ruminates on Jenni’s observation of “You’re a f–king chew toy” — and wait, can we unpack that again? That is a horrible thing to say to another human being, but for all of my ambivalence over this Angelina drama, I am skeptical of why she needs to make amends on air. Aside for my obvious “because the plot requires it” reasoning, Angelina is mostly going to get abused during her short stay here. Well, anyway, Ron tells Angelina to “stay humble” and then tries to mediate with the rest of the group.

The only thing you need to know about their patio powwow is this exchange:

Ronnie: “OK, so how do we solve this problem?

JWoww: Ignore it. Ignore it like genital herpes.”

Ronnie: …no, you take medicine for that.”

Amazing.

Immediately after, Pauly D continues bragging about how he’s “Prank War Champion” since he “came up with the most epic prank of the century.” I honestly can’t believe we’re still f–king talking about this, but while we’re on it, I want to go on the record as saying I have never earnestly hated Pauly before this moment. Between just chanting “Awkward” and “Prank War Champion” (17 times) I want to throw his collection of hair gel out into the bay. But seriously, it’s continuously branding the Angelina thing as a prank that offends me on a soul level. Like I’ve hate-read proposal stories that have had more elaborate tapestries of deception. Moreover, for this to be a prank war, there would have to be some sort of opposition. Instead, it’s a 37-year-old man making a phone call, getting MTV to fly out a two-season villain, and needing the validation of being a “champion.”

Pauly, who hurt you?

pauly d popsicles

So yeah, a pissed off Jenni goes boxing with the boys while Ronnie forces Snooki and Deena to bring Angelina along for Meatball Day. Along the way and at the bar, Snooki keeps bringing up that Angelina talked smack about Snooki’s lip fillers or whatever, and hijacks the waitress’ phone to read the receipts. Oh, and if you want the official transcript of what Angelina said about Snooki, we actually have the article on hand. Weirdly enough, it dates back to September 2016 (not 3 months before JSFV was filmed) and while Angelina never directly says Snooki is ugly, it is a whole lot of shade.

“Because I’m just tired about hearing about the article with the fake lips.” The article DOESN’T mention anything about Snooki being ugly, btw. It’s SHADY, though, and probably warrants an apology, which Angelina gives.

50 shots later and Angelina and Snooks are getting along famously. Ronnie equates them spiraling to “like pasta sauce and meatballs.” Wouldn’t it be, I don’t know, like spaghetti and meatballs? Because Angelina is lean with long hair and spaghetti can be twirled? Whatever, it’s Ronnie. The girls dry hump and all is forgiven.

snooki cheer

Well, mostly. Jenni is SO BETRAYED that Snooki and Angie are biffles. The knife twists even deeper as Angelina explains that she did SUCH A GOOD JOB with Meatball Day, they’re all going to give her another chance.

Drunk Deena, however, is getting loud and weepy for no particular reason. Maybe she’s sad because the attention isn't on her or maybe this chick is just an emotional drunk I guess. “I’m not making it about myself at all,” she sobs, making me write an extra paragraph about her unprovoked breakdown. Things get worse when Ronnie pushes her into the water which is a SAFETY HAZARD, YOU DO NOT PUSH A TINY PERSON INTO A POOL. Angelina tells Ronnie to push her into the pool in solidarity, which is nice of her, I guess.

The next day, the cast gets IVs because they’re drinking so much, and Mike custom designs an engagement ring to kill some air time. Angelina also rides Vinny for not dating a Staten Island girl and is all, “Why, you’re from there?” His argument is that Staten Islanders talk like truckers. I MEAN, I don’t know, I don’t know how much of these stereotypes. I was only born there, but my boyfriend is from Staten Island and doesn’t seem like it. You know, aside from the Italian heritage, white tees, and wide collection of gold chains.

So Pauly D reads from the teleprompter about how he “actually pranked himself” and now the producers are telling him they have to get Angelina out. Like, it’s been fun watching the gang blow up on her for a few minutes, but we gotta wrap up this story arc. They decide that Jenni needs to be the one to deliver the bad news, so she decides to ~~write a note~~ make a toast. And after some painfully awkward [grimace] sushi, they announce that they want to get to know Angelina, but like, maybe not on camera. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW?!

Tune in next week to see if the girls get food poisoning because maybe that’s a thing, at least from the look of the previews.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 9 Recap: "Umm, Hello"

So apparently JWoww and Snooki are going to Jersey to hang with the fam, and little sister Deena is all like, “So what are we going to do this weekend, boys?” WAIT, THIS IS THE FIRST EPISODE IN LIKE 20 YEARS THAT DOESN’T REPEAT THE ENDING OF THE LAST. #blessed. Anyway, Deena is an effing buzzkill as we’ve all seen, so the boys go up to their No Girls Allowed treehouse and plan “Operation Boys’ Weekend.” Basically, ~~MTV’s~~ they’re going to fly her back to hang with her husband so they have a rousing time, like, playing Call of Duty or whatever.

They pull Deena aside for a serious discussion. “Oh my god, like, who died, what’s happening?” Deena says, which is a reasonable response. Then I remembered that Deena’s dad died recently and this is actually a hugely f–ked up thing to do to a person. Ron hands over a note, and with the eloquence of a first grader, delivers some yarn about how Deena’s husband motorboated some meatballs. What matters is that it leads to an excellent use of stugats by Vinny.

Anyway, JK, they’re sending Deena to Jersey and she burst into hysterics because they put her in an emotionally delicate position with that fake note, yaaaaay. The girls clear out and Vinny cheats on Pauly with Ronnie.

ronnie and vinny

After boldly reenacting “Scenes From Sicilian Cousins’ Staten Island Barbeque,” the RMVP go out for a night on the town. They spot a small, Lifetime movie version of Sammi Sweetheart although Ronnie denies this. “She does not look like Sammi, Sammi was way hotter, I have way better taste than that,” he says. Ronnie knows because he’s deep diving into her Instagram at 4 a.m. every night. Apparently, it only takes one, “What do you think about Pauly?” to get this lollipop-toting Sammi Jr. As long as we’re tossing throwbacks here, can I posit a, “She’s too young for you bro?” Because I’m not entirely convinced this chick is of legal drinking age, let alone anything else if I’m being honest here.

When they get back, Ronnie is concerningly like, “She can’t sleep with him, that’s like disrespecting me.” I mean, it’s not, and she does. While Vinny watches on one bed over and eats a burger. Beautiful. But a very, very wounded Ronnie decides to call the cabs on little Sammi, which ends Pauly’s smushing and Vinny’s dinner and a show.

Back in Jersey, Jenni and Roger are basking in such a peaceful domestic moment, with JWoww’s adorable mini-me daughter making pancakes. Roger announces that JWoww is with “Sissy’s mom” AKA “Aunt Nicole” and I cannot. Then he explains, “Mommy and Nicole are trying to relive their youth at 40 years old in Miami.” We don’t deserve Roger. JWoww says she’s 29, and by 29, she means 32.

jwoww head shake

Snooki’s daughter Giovanna is also legit her mini-Snooki, like that is a tiny Nicole. Snooki tries to eat her daughter’s school project, and her son Lorenzo eats flowers. When are they going to listen to Imagine Dragons?

Deena and her husband are just like mini people, but they seem objectively cute together.

TBH, the Guys Weekend isn’t much more exciting than what’s going on up north. Ronnie makes some sick burns about Mike enjoying cake and the boys drive some cars. Best guys only weekend ever. Epic. While downing handfuls of cheese, Mike recounts all the expensive Italian cars he had before the repossession (SAD), and the gang is so thankful they can gift him excessive wealth for one brief, shining moment.

Now for what we’ve all been waiting for…and will continue to wait for. Pauly pitches this master plan for “pranking” Situation: bring Angelina into the household. “We’ve been a little kumbaya, we need a villain to stir things up,” is his argument, or rather, literally what the MTV producers told him.

pauly d popping collar

So let’s talk about this Angelina plot, because what essentially unfolds is like 10 minutes of waiting and it doesn’t require a full recap. Nobody’s really sold on this Angelina idea, because it doesn’t make sense on multiple levels, at least from an IRL perspective. When you’re on vacation with your squad, you’re not like, “Hey let’s invite that chick we excommunicated from our friend circle eight years ago.” And even if you do, she definitely doesn’t show up armed with luggage. What clearly happened is that feeling a dearth of lasting drama, the producers announced they were flying Angelina out, leaving Pauly to put a fresh spin on it.

But nobody, nobody wants this, nobody thinks this is going to be a good time, as you can tell from the following, wide-eyed, pained grinned declarations:

Ronnie: This is going to be so f–ked.

Pauly D: This is so f–ked.

Vinny: I thought things couldn’t get any weirder.

I will say, that when we check in on Angelina she does have all the attributes of a fearsome foe: eyelash extensions, lip fillers, a “Make the Jersey Shore Great Again” hat. I’ve never, actually, truly understood what made Angelina so distinctly unlikeable amongst such a broad cast of disasters, but this is good editing. She truly doesn’t GAF if she’s wanted there or not, which speaks highly to her insane masochistic streak.

angelina jersey shore

In Miami, the boys are eating Oreo cheesecake and Mike talks about masturbation. Ronnie sighs about how he wishes the girls would never come back. They collapse into peals of misogynistic giggles. Pauly is secretly so psyched about Angelina’s arrival, and he’s all, “This is the prank of all pranks. Epic.” Except this isn’t really a prank at all? This is just inviting someone to your house and not telling your roommates about it? Whatever, here’s a nice montage of Mike setting the table and Snooki getting punched in the face to fill up airtime.

Finally, clomping in on her 2008 gladiator sandals, Angelina approaches the door/camera with a dramatic swoop and, “Oh yeah, you think I’m a dirty little hamster?” It’s the second time we “dirty little hamster” on this episode, but there’s still a million more times to come. Mike, terrified, makes a beeline to the kitchen while the rest of the boys are fake-loling.

Then everyone spouts memes from 2010 at each other (“UM, HELLO”) which honestly could be the entire Jersey Shore Family Vacation recap right there. Angelina briefs us on some kind of picture-perfect updates: she’s engaged for the third time to a sanitation worker for New York. ICYMI, Vinny reiterates that Trashbags Angelina, is engaged to a sanitation worker. This is the best.

Anyway, the gang sits down at the table to unpack age-old drama. Wasting no time, Angelina asks why Situation blocked her on Twitter, and tl;dr it’s because Angelina said Mike had a small penis. There’s no confirmation on whether it’s true or not, but I’m OK if I never find out the truth. Sitch accepts Angelina’s apology (that she didn’t offer) and says, “And I’m sorry for being immature and fat-shaming you when we were in our 20s.” That line is the most adult interaction we’ve seen on this episode, but to be fair, this cast acts like a bunch of liquored up pre-schoolers.

Speaking of which, as Vinny asserts that, “everybody grew up now,” the girls arrive having downed a few bottles of wine. And lo and behold, there’s Angelina! DUN DUN DUN!

Tune in next week to see if Snooki’s going to drop that jughandle of vodka because I’m concerned.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 8 Recap: "The Temptation of the Keto Guido"

So shocker of shockers, Ronnie is stressing me and JWoww out again because he’s still conflicted about whether he wants to stay with Jen and feels totes sad about this whole baby thing. “It’s called growing up, Ron,” says JWoww. And “using a condom,” but I guess it’s too late for that. So yeah, he’s a mess trying to be this perfect guy, even though nobody’s asking him to be perfect. Like, if you could climb above “slightly mediocre” we would all be thrilled. He sobs in JWoww’s arms, broken. I sob on my couch, awaiting five more weeks of this back and forth.

On the upswing, they’re going to the strip club again, and here’s a salacious bit of character development: JWoww loves strip clubs. In fact, JWoww’s personal paradise seems to be a strip club. She’s enjoying lap dances and slapping asses and living her best life. Meanwhile, Snooki gets on her hands and knees and starts stealing the strippers’ money because it’ll buy a lot of diapers. This is a refreshing new low for her, until she gets caught with money in her purse and is all, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to steal your money.” Girl.

pauly d busted

Everyone bonds over their quest to find Pauly D some love.

Back at home, the ladies are upset that Pauly D isn’t boinking anything with hair extensions and a pulse, like back in the good old days. That’s when Snooki proposes that the girls go find that unfortunate soul for him, like gather up a bunch of girls and present them like a sacrificial offering. Pauly is down for this reality TV dating show premise, and even has a name at the ready for it (“For the Love of DJ Pauly D”). Let the games begin, I guess.

The Situation wants an actual wife, so he and Jenni go ring shopping. It’s about as fun as helping your clueless guy friend engagement ring shop IRL. I almost have a heart attack when they started showing him these gigantic, gaudy, ring pop at $45,000. Like, bro just got busted for tax evasion, so maybe something a bit more subtle. He doesn’t end up buying a ring just yet.

Later that night, the MTV producers give Ronnie Blue Balls (…) or like, he at least gets inflatable blue outfits to make them go full Violet Beauregarde. Snooki and Deena are way too comfortable, wasting no time rolling around and peeing themselves. How hasn’t anyone housebroken Snooki yet? Whatever, the wacky ball hijinks involve a relay race and bouncing into each other and it all looks very natural and definitely not scripted.

That night, MVP go out after Pauly gives Vinny a hard time for being all buttoned up. But hold up, my friends, Vinny is popping the top button of his shirt and letting loose. With no gluten to soak up all his vodka shots (is that how it works? Idk, not having bread isn’t helping him sober up), he makes a series of rookie mistakes. He flirts with a blonde bottle girl and GETS HER HIS NUMBER, OMG, UGH. And a second girl’s number, too. The Situation tucks them in, but rest assured, there will be another picture for the explanation chain very soon.

vinny jersey shore help

The next day, Vinny is giving his girlfriend Elicea another phone call explanation, and his retelling of the story is SO WRONG. He stresses that the girls whose phone numbers he now has in his possession were all just friends vibes, but uh, the TV cameras recording it all say differently. Vinny earnestly doesn’t understand why being a step above Ronnie doesn’t make him an amazing boyfriend, and me and Elicea are very much over it.

Later on, the boys and girls go hunting for the future Mrs. D taking this hunt to find Pauly some love very seriously. Snooki thinks “He needs a normal girl on our level.” I don’t even know what to make of that. He needs a girl at the level of stealing strippers’ money off the floor? And the boys line up with posters like they’re having a guido car wash. The output? Two 12-year-olds and a pregnant chick. The girls have also gotten nothing but “no thanks” all day. Womp womp.

That night, Pauly D is glamming up to meet his prospective bachelorettes. Panicking, the gang decides to make him a funfetti cake as a consolation prize. Vinny goes upstairs and tries to ease Pauly into this idea, that downstairs there’s a hell of a snack waiting to meet him. Except Mike is all, “Hey, you know we’re making you a cake, right?” THANKS, Mike.

So when Pauly D comes downstairs, glowing, I honestly don’t know what they’re going to pull out of their Ed Hardy hats. My first guess is obviously the Sammi doll, because she’s definitely the hottest girl in Miami rn. Somehow, it is so much better than that. Meet Victoria, Vinny in a wig and velour dress with an ass like two squished-in burger buns.

pauly d i aint even mad

Honestly, this is the only thing on this show that has ever made sense. When Vinny jumps into Pauly’s arms and Pauly says, “It’s been you all along,” I feel like I’m watching the freakin’ Notebook. It’s just a shame that the rest of us will never find a love so pure.

Btw, Vinny calls up Elicea later that night and girlfriend sounds emotionally exhausted. Or physically exhausted. I don’t know why, but it feels like the boys keep having these phone calls at like 3 a.m.

As Pauly overhears Elicea snap about how she doesn’t want Vinny’s “band-aid apology,” he feels at peace. Even though his wife hunt was an epic failure, it’s clear that maintaining a long-distance romance is hard work. And Pauly D, he doesn’t need a relationship.

You know, unless it’s with Vinny.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 7 Recap: "Baby Mama Drama"

We’re backpedaling again to Jen arriving at the shore house and the gang lined up on the stairwell like Von Trapp children. Ronnie then gives her a tour, because as memory serves, he’s a pro at it. Sitch asks if it’s weird seeing Ronnie in the house with another girl, and Vinny’s like, “It is kinda weird, it’s been a long time, though.” What, like 72 hours? Deena thinks they’re perfect together, and I’m wondering in what exact way does she mean that.

So, I’m trying so hard to not make fun of Jen because I know she’s having a rough time right now, but she really helps confirm what a woman knocked up by Ronnie would be like. The Situation asks “What nationality are you?” Jen, not helping the case, answers, “I’m like, 80% Great Britain or something?” OK then.

Snooki, not to be out-moroned, asks if she speaks Great Britain. Vinny and I look at her like, “Snooki, no.”

snooki close up

Anyway, Family Dinner sucks because Ronnie remarks “WOW THIS IS AWKWARD” like .4 seconds into the meal, and Jenni follows it up with a really smooth, “So are you guys going to get married?” After another half minute of intimate conversation, it’s time for dessert, and Mike brings Jen and Ronnie a beautiful piece of Tiramisu to share. And poor Situation (never thought I’d type that) just wants to eat his damn funfetti cake but everyone starts ragging on him. Sitch says from now on, everyone will refer to him by his new government.

“So your new government is The Incarceration,” Jen says out of nowhere, and WHOA, BACK OFF, PREGGO. First of all, I’m going to need you to reread that dig because it actually makes no sense, like you understand that it’s an insult, but the words don’t fit together. Beyond that, though, she’s clearly just repeating something she overheard Ronnie say. “Incarceration” is too much of an SAT word for her to land there herself.

To the strip club we all go.

So good news, everyone’s going to the strip club tonight. It’s a classy (Deena’s words, not mine) joint where the girls have attended Stripper University with Stripper Internships. Vinny is so impressed by one of the strippers that he attempts to “save” her by carrying her out of the place. It’s a very bad look, but definitely, we’re going to talk about it more-than-necessary later on.

After Jen makes the genius realization that maybe she, as a seven-months-pregnant woman, shouldn’t be at a strip club. Ronnie, as a 46-year-old man, laments the dissolution of his youth.

ronnie napkin

After a little bit of grilling, Vinny decides to fess up to his girlfriend that he tried to steal a stripper because honesty is the best policy or something. Snaps for honesty, zero snaps for Vinny being like, “Wait, is that bad?” His girlfriend Elicea (had to look that spelling up) is like, “OMG you’re such a moron, that was flirting, you have to understand why I’m pissed, don’t carry strippers.”

The next day, Situation is singing his woes to Pauly D, remarking how uncool it was of Jen to come at him, but also acknowledging she didn’t come across it organically like a thinking person would. He whines that Ronnie doesn’t get his tax evasion pain ‘cause Ron’s from the Bronx, and I’m here eating my second Twix bar.

They’re all going to spend a day on the cloudiest beach of all time, and the girls lament that they like Ronnie’s saltine cracker of a girlfriend. “I feel like every time we live together, I’m always stressed about Ron,” Snooki says, her lip gloss popping. Sometimes, these little lines sum up the very essence of this show. Like, so much JS Family Vacation is rehashing in-jokes and plot points from nearly eight years ago with the intent to invoke a gleeful nostalgia. Instead, seeing Ronnie cheat on another girlfriend spikes my anxiety to the same dangerous anxiety levels I experienced sophomore year of college. But I guess that’s a discussion for my therapist.

On the car ride home, Jen asks if Ron’s “been good” and can someone just give me a brown paper bag I can breathe in? Did they even bother to answer that?

snooki deena blink

MVP go clubbing and there isn’t much to say here except that Vinny is trying not to cheat on his girlfriend ~~Pauly~~.

We learn that Ron still can't ever tell the truth and Vinny's No. 1 woman is forever his mom.

Meanwhile, Jen and Ron have a romantic night chewing edamame in front of each other. Jen wishes she could get in the jacuzzi and Ronnie, with a distinct lack of chill, he spits out his beans in response. He’s acting so paranoid and dodgy even though Jen is so remarkably Beauty Pageant Contestant dumb, like I’m sorry, even for this franchise. I am exhausted listening to her try to talk and breathe at the same time. This show is trying to hype things up when she’s all, “What did you do in the jacuzzi?” but I just literally don’t think she knows how jacuzzis work.

Vinny gets home to have another drunk 4 a.m. conversation with his girlfriend, and like, maybe post-clubbing isn’t the time to do this you know? Vin tries to retroactively assert he’s an exemplary boyfriend for telling Elicea when he flirts with other girls, and it’s a bad move.

So the next morning, he’s still emotionally conflicted about whether he did anything wrong or not, so he calls up his mom. He explained that he’s in trouble with Elicea for crossing a few lines and Paula’s all, “You did nothing wrong, Vin, you’re single.” Vinny, confused, says, “How am I single? I have a girlfriend, Elicea, remember her?” Vinny’s mom is like, “No no, you’re single, it’s fine.”

I JUST REALLY LOVE THIS, because she’s trying to Italian Mom Elicea out of the picture. As someone who has had many male Sicilian cousins, that is 110% what’s happening here. Homegirl is trying to get Vinny to herself until the end of time, and he just doesn’t realize. I see you, Paula.

vinnys mom jersey shore

The next day, Jen leaves (finally) and JWoww brings up the point to Ronnie that if he loves her, as he so incredulously claims, why wouldn’t he want to just be with her. I think his response was something like, “Waah wah wah but there’s vagina everywhere and I want it!” Also, he thinks that if he tells Jen about French Fries she’ll be embarrassed, and Jenni/Me screams, “SHE’S ALREADY GOING TO BE EMBARRASSED.” Basically, JWoww is pissed that Ronnie is doing the same thing he did last time they were in Miami all those years ago, and where is my brown paper bag.

It’s a really good ream out that I can’t possibly do justice because Jenni is saying what everyone is thinking. Instead, I just want to point out that Deena creeps into the scene at the 37:45-minute mark and it’s amazing. See you next week, I might need a Xanax now.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 6 Recap: "Meatball Down"

AND WE’RE BACK to another riveting edition of Ronnie Ruins His Entire Life after being treated to a very special social media webisode this week. Yeah, IRL Ronnie and Jen Harley are very much broken up following a social media showdown made a gazillion times more horrifying knowing there’s a child involved. Seriously, how likely is it that Dream Kardashian and Ariana Sky will be seeing the same therapist years from now?

But let’s stay grounded in this episode by time traveling back to when Ronnie cheated on Jen and found out through Mike’s girlfriend that there were vids of him dancing with Antonia. Ron’s trying to get the #facts straight about what’s out on Instagram, and feels comforted by the fact that there are only videos of him twirling French Fries. Ronnie’s all, “Oh, well that’s not bad, we were salsa dancing.” He starts complaining to the boys that Jen is being immature for not letting him “explain himself and the whole scenario” except, explaining the whole scenario is not going to help the situation, I think.

Also Ronnie is either delusional or supersaturated in Ron Ron Juice, because he’s all, “It’s not like I was grinding on French Fries.” And Vinny, confused, is like, “I’m not going to lie, tho, you two were doing some things on the dance floor that are probably illegal in some states.” All the other boys are rationally explaining to him in finite detail that he cheated on his girlfriend and Ronnie’s like, “But I didn’t do anything, the door to the bathroom automatically shut when I grabbed the knob and closed it in front of the camera.”

situation shock

Ron makes yet another bad life choice and Vinny flips out about his haircut. Casual.

A true glutton for pain, he decides to call Jen again and OMG SHE PICKS UP. Oh no, oh no, oh no.

Jen, with the kittenish demeanor of a 16-year-old is either super passive-aggressive or legitimately ignorant because she woken up from a nap. “What are you talking about,” she meows. “Past what, like what is your deal.” This looks INCREDIBLY easy to navigate around, but instead Ronnie’s all like, “You have an issue with what you saw on Instagram.” You know, just ratting himself out while Vinny, Pauly, Mike and myself pull out the popcorn. I cannot.

The next day, Vinny and Pauly go to get a haircut and Vinny is anxious because he’s afraid some Miami rando is going to mishandle his half-an-inch of hair. “My haircut is everything about me and I am terrified of what I’m going to get,” he says. First of all, I can’t believe that cueball here has the audacity to say that on a show that brought us Snooki’s pouf and Pauly’s blowout. Second of all, he calls himself “the most important guido in America” on a show that brought us Snooki and Pauly. And finally, the haircut looks exactly the same and he’s pissed. Moving on.

vinny eyebrows

The Situation is trying to talk Ronnie through his current dilemma because they’re “brothers” and I don’t know, are there any highlights here? His advice is pretty generic and of the “take things one day at a time” variety, and it’s nonetheless appreciated…by me, maybe not Ronnie. “You have those nice highlights to fall back on,” Mike says, referring to what I can only assume must be Ronnie’s current hairstyle and not his life so far.

Imagine Dragons’ “Whatever It Takes” plays. Lorenzo probably loves that song.

Boys' night gets messy, all thanks to Meatball Deena.

Later that night, Deena invites herself to Boys’ Night Out because that’s what the plot requires. They get themselves to the cluuurb and Deena is doing great…at faceplanting into the ground. 10s all around, except for the Russian Judge who gave a 9.3. Like it’s pretty typical ~~walking disaster~~ meatball problems, she’s dancing on chairs and crowd-surfing onto Vinny and effectively ends Guy Night early. She sob-slurs in the car about her embarrassing intoxicated behavior because she’s supposed to be a grown-up and her S.O. is probably going to judge her and I feel that, no shade. And then she blames Vinny and needs to back the f–k off because Vinny is a gem…like, as long as you steer away from the topic of haircuts.

Ronnie drunk dials Jen and asks her to fly several months pregnant out to Miami to visit. Jen probably snaps her bubblegum and says, “I guess.”

Oh, and Vinny got his fade fixed.

JWoww asks Ronnie if there’s any questions she should ask Jen on his behalf, and I really could’ve used a JWoww for the 2 months where I had no idea what my boyfriend’s job was. Ronnie’s better than me because he already “knows everything.” You know, except for her birthday, favorite color, favorite number, and go-to vacation spot.

ronnie despair

Ronnie and Pauly go out for tacos so Pauly, as the only dad in the house, can talk to him about maybe not being a horrible human being for your child’s sake. Pauly tells him that once that baby is there, Ronnie will be shocked how much he loves that baby more than himself, and he needs to focus on that. “If you end up with the baby momma yes that would be ideal, at the very least you should have a co-parenting relationship with the woman,” he says as the Internet weeps. It is actual good advice, though.

The girls also talk about how they’re going to handle Ronnie cheating on his girlfriend in their house. Maybe they can write a note.

sammi sweetheart totally

Vinny and Pauly decide to glam up Sammi (yes, as in the doll) and, in one of the most disturbing moments in television history, wash her up in the bath. Thank you for the nightmare fuel, guys. They also decide to give Sammi a new face, which only reinforces the fact that I’m not going to get any sleep tonight. They finally prop her up with a horrifying claw wave to greet Jen when she gets there. Cool.

The show wastes the last four minutes showing Ronnie getting super anxious about Jen’s arrival. The threat of Situation exposing Ron looms over the entire house as he puts his arm around Sammi. We’re all having a great time here in 2010.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 5 Recap: "About Last Night"

We return to Pauly D checking in on Ronnie and French Fries in the bathroom, which pause, how gross is this? Like, as if the whole cheating-on-your-baby-momma thing wasn’t enough, it’s done behind the door of one of Ronnie’s defiled bathrooms. To add an extra layer of cringe, there are some charming belt-buckle-fumbling noises to soundtrack the scene.

“It’s not worth it,” Pauly says, which like, yeah. Ronnie doesn’t disagree but he’s kind of miffed. “We’re just talking, bro,” He says. French Fries was just “trying to have a conversation.” You know, with his d–k.

He then walks her out, calls her beautiful, and assures her that, “Believe me I wanted to finish” AND NOW I’M GROSSED OUT, NOW I NEED TO GET UP FROM MY DESK, GO HOME, SCRUB MYSELF WITH BLEACH, AND COME BACK.

sammi crying

OK, ready.

Ronnie is grateful Pauly didn’t let him go further. Ronnie says that as soon as Pauly knocked, he realized that it was NOT a good move but “it felt so good though.” Hold on, let me get the bleach. Every girl in the club wants to talk to you.

Ronnie publicly admits on national television that it’s hard to have a kid on the way and be with someone he’s “not sure” he wants to be with. I’m so uncomfortable, this is so uncomfortable. Anyway, yeah, Ronnie doesn’t feel like he’s ready to be in a relationship with the mother of his child, which is like, a choice he has to make, but also maybe not the kind of baggage you should air out in front of millions of people? Baby Ortiz-Magro is going to love watching these home videos when she grows up.

snooki eyeroll

Snooki and Ronnie are having a drunk pow-wow and she’s like, EARNESTLY about to cry because Ronnie’s probably not going to propose to his baby momma. Snooki is hardcore shipping him and Jen, and she’s in a slim demographic. “I’m so traditional like I want him to get married to her and have like a picket fence, cause that’s what I did, that’s what I know, that’s like the Italian way.” Yes, you know how Sicilians love their white picket fences. And then the show tries to brew me up an aneurysm with this exchange.

Snooki: Why can’t you marry this b—h.

Ronnie: Because she’s not…

Snooki: …’Cause you f–king love Sam.

Alright, I’m done. That’s it, guys. I’m packing up my desk. I’m leaving the building. I’m getting on the train. I’m walking to my apartment. I’m at my apartment. I’m opening a bottle of Prosecco. I. Am. Over it.

(…OK, I’m back.)

And if that’s not enough, Ronnie’s reason for not getting over Sammi is, “I guess I just miss the security.” WHAT?! Do you have selective amnesia when it comes to that entire relationship? That nonsense was the most unstable union in the history of reality TV. REALITY. TV.

5 Seconds of Summer then plays over the sound of Ronnie’s manly sobs.

Snooki decides she’s going to make Ron Ron Juice (which here suspiciously just looks like cranberry juice and vodka but whatever) and oh no, the Colombian Chick is still there, she survived the night. Ronnie gives her Sammi’s shorts. He can’t go two minutes without mentioning Sammi. They giggle about this girl almost dying from alcohol poisoning and watch the sunset, or actually, sunrise.

snooki wasted

They decide to go full spiral at brunch, and Snooki topples a glass that could’ve gotten a whole country wasted. Even the subtitles have given up on her. They move to Senor Frogs and Snooki gets excited because “omg this is a baby” which dead honestly is my reaction when I see a baby too, so we’re not going to fault her for that. I am concerned about the amount of therapy that child is going to go through after witnessing a plastered Oompa Loompa spout gibberish at him. Ronnie takes off the balloon animal hat from his tortured brow and cries in the bathroom again.

Jenni and Mike are just recapping that Ronnie’s a f–k up, but we’ve already watched this show so we know what’s up. Pauly uses extra hairspray and rhythmically shouts “WAKE UP KETO GUIDO” in Vinny’s ear. Finally, Ron and Snickers get home for two hours before Yacht time.

Ronnie and The Situation reenact the rap battle from 8 Mile I guess, I don’t know, the jokes aren’t particularly funny but I think that’s the point. For your consideration:

Situation: Ron was complaining about sharing the room with me for snoring. Guess who snores now.

Fam: OOOOOOOH

Ronnie: Mike, you’ve been snoring for six houses straight, half the time I thought you were dying.

Situation: Well tables have turned because now looks like you are.

Fam: OOOOOOOOH

Vinny:

burn

Let's take all this drama out on the water now, shall we?

So they’re on a yacht that’s kind of classy, it has the rich aesthetic of somewhere a Wall Streeter would go to cheat on his wife in 1988. Vinny and Pauly are Titanic-ing, which is such a played joke at this point but Vinny and Pauly are a greater love story than Jack and Rose, so I’ll allow it. “I’m gonna go with my girlfriend Pauly on the jet ski,” Vinny says. “Actually I’m probably his girlfriend cause I’m the one who’s going to be behind him, holding onto him.” There is a legit montage of the twosome’s tenderest moments together, that does not end up with them making love in a car.

As far as I know.

vinny and pauly bromance

So the Situation gives a pleasantly boring description of how he met his girlfriend Lauren and his intentions with her. She seems great, and Mike says, “I don’t know about the timing, but she’s the one and I want to propose to her.”

For some reason, I want to applaud him for this. Like, it’s not any accomplishment to want to propose to your girlfriend after knowing her for a decade. I don’t know, at this point, I have Hellmouth low expectations for all of these creatures, so to see one of them make a lax tapdance toward monogamy is somehow, enough.

Speaking of which, Ronnie kills the mood “I’ve always said that I’d rather pay child support than alimony.” REALLY, RON, WAS THAT YOUR SENIOR QUOTE? So now let’s redirect the convo toward Ronnie and his problems. Apparently, he and Jen never talked about marriage so the gang asks for a timeline. “We’ve been together for a year, she’s 7 months pregnant,” Ronnie says. So by that math she got pregnant after three months…sorry, can’t do math, five months of dating. I mean, that’s an objectively beat situation to be in even if you’re head-over-heels about the person you’re engaged to. Anyway, cheers to Mike getting engaged, I guess.

Ronnie seems to forget that social media exists, so YIKES.

After the yacht, they’re going out for the fifth time today and Ronnie is still trying to call up Jen. He’s holding up the whole fam and I would not be happy if he was getting between me and a full platter. She’s not answering and Ronnie’s “just thinking the worst.” RIGHTFULLY SO. They have the most depressing tacos in history and Ronnie cries in the bathroom for the third time this episode.

Mike tries to explain that hey, if you have a heavily pregnant girlfriend maybe don’t cheat on her. Which can’t be overstated, but I am so exhausted that I have to keep rehashing it in text. In the cab, Ronnie lashes out at The Sitch again, and what’s extra gross is that he brings Lauren into it, with, “Just because Lauren packed your luggage doesn’t mean you’re neat.” Then he compares Lauren to a bidet and like, dude, f–k off. Just because you don’t respect your own girlfriend doesn’t mean Mike doesn’t respect his.

It feels very cosmic, then, that Lauren is able to deliver the reason why Jen isn’t answering Ron’s phone calls: “I actually just saw the whole Instagram account that’s just doing like updates and videos of you guys out in the clubs.” AND WHAT’S ON THERE, LAUREN? “There’s a video of Ronnie dancing with a blonde girl in a see-through black dress.” And the worst part? They’re also tagging Jen in the comments.

DUN DUN DUN.

ronnie club

…literally she’s visiting him in the next episode. Ronnie will be infuriatingly unscathed from this. Ugh. Roll credits.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 4 Recap: "Ron Ron Juice"

And we’re back….rewatching the last five minutes of the last episode but in the middle of it, The Situation is trying to call his girlfriend. All I can say is that I really want to fling Snooki across the room when she tells Jenni she's "ruining her f–king marriage." She starts packing her bags which reminds me of the time I was five and decided I would run away from home (I got as far as KFC). That’s approximately where her maturity level is right now. Pauly brings up that in this house everyone spirals, but Snooki is basically a human dreidel. I hear that.

The gang talks about how stupid it is that she’s bringing up a hookup that I literally didn’t remember until the fifth time someone said “Snooki and Vinny have a history.”

Pauly comes into the room as Snooki is doing her eye makeup (???) and hands her a soothing glass of wine (10/10, good move). He then reminds her that the JS gang are her second family. "Yeah, I know, I love you guys," Snooki quacks. "And I love Vinny, he’s a great friend of mine." That she hasn’t seen in four years.

snooki jersey shore

Then Pauly decides to send in JWoww for a big apology scene and JWoww starts crying and then I start crying and maybe it’s because I’m really hungover too. Jenni tells Snooki that she’s sorry and that Snooki is a wonderful wife. Cut to Vinny in the hot tub spouting, "She’s mean." I guess it’s time for their big heart-to-heart too, and it’s going to be far less adorable. We’re allowed to sit in, but Pauly leaves to go check his hair extensions. The bottom line?

Snooki: "It’s more like a joke."

Vinny: "It’s a joke, but it’s like, not."

Oh, OK, glad that’s cleared up. Vinny was having a human reaction to Snooki being irrationally weird and to close that book for good he says, "And at the end of the day, I’m not attracted to you." WHOA, stone cold. Snooki throws back a rushed, "SAME, YOU’RE LIKE WEIRD." But really, that sucks. I’m flashing back to like, the worst person I’ve hooked up with (or like at least the top 5) and yeah, I’d still be upset if they were retroactively like, "TBH, you actually repulse me."

vinny jersey shore

The next day, the gang decides it’s time for some GTL even though they absolutely have a washer/dryer in that mansion and could probably fit a treadmill in it’s vastness. "Who the f–k works out when they’re on vacation and does laundry?" Deena, the voice of reason, says.

JWoww and The Situation talk about his tax evasion stuff and how he’s not hanging out with his brother. I’m not sure and not willing to Google which brother this was, but I feel like I know who because the entire Situation family was on an episode of Say Yes to the Dress. Yes, I love Say Yes to the Dress. Anyway, they work out and Snooki pees in her pants again.

The Ronnie and Deena drama keeps going and going and going.

At long last we’re introduced to the titular Ron Ron Juice, and Ronnie already looks mascara-streaming drunk describing how he’s going to violate that watermelon. The blast-in-a-glass is watermelon blended with vodka and cranberry and ice. Snooki basically equates it to jungle juice "Like it tastes so good and you keep having it, and then you wake up on the grass the next day," Snooki eloquently describes the concoction. I mean, when I look back on my three times drinking jungle juice, I at no point remember it tasting "so good." I don't remember anything.

Anyway, time to open a whole can of worms, courtesy of Vinny. "If Sam did come here, what would it be like her for you two?" he asks. Oh no, Ronnie is rambling and rambling and talking about how he’d still rag on her. "Hearing Ron talk about Sam is like giving me flashbacks about their torturous relationship," Pauly says. Babe same. Deena steps in as a Sammi Sweetheart surrogate and starts bickering with Ron about him talking s–t.

deena and ronnie jersey shore

"Sam told me that he used to call her on blocked numbers and used to like…be really weird," she confesses to the camera. WAIT, CAN YOU MAYBE PEDAL BACK TO THAT BLOCKED NUMBERS THING? Because that is some first-rate psycho terrorizing right there. Everyone now feels uncomfortable. Deena makes this face like she’s upset that she won’t gobble up the three Billy Goats Gruff, understandably.

So the gang gets ready to go out and Mike’s denim vest gets a lot of flack (ooooh, I’ve known some Denim Vest Guys in my days). There’s some great put-downs there, but Snooki’s slight twitch in her botoxed face speaks volumes louder. Also, are we not going to talk about the watercolor Deena’s wearing on her legs? Because DAMN.

Deena and Ron throw down in the cab which like, why are they taking a cab together anyway? Why isn’t he riding with MVP? It’s more Sammi stuff and Deena insists "She doesn’t talk about you at all" to Ron. Whether I believe that or not, it is the most effortlessly crushing blow since, "And at the day, I’m not even attracted to you."

Mike claims that he literally has to push girls off while they’re out in the club. I guess now when one woman tepidly shakes your hand it means she’s hitting on you. Sure. Two girls come over and won’t leave them alone, and Deena screams "no thank you" so many times that I have splitting headache. One of the girls tries to beat her to death with champagne and instead they spray it on her, with some assistance from Vinny. Things are gr8 now, as Deena says the most relatable line of all time: "I love animals, I hate people."

And then things get like really bad, even for this crew.

JWoww gets a Russian Mail Order Bride for Pauly but spoiler alert: this is going be bad for everyone. In fact, there’s a whole bunch of out-of-town hotties, including some braless French blonde that Ronnie is hitting on. He brings them back to the mansion for FRIENDSHIP.

Oh no JK, they’re all going to get half-naked in the jacuzzi. Ronnie is definitely playing with fire at this point, but we’re gonna pull a JWoww: get some popcorn and tea and watch.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Snooki decides that in order to stop Ron from cheating she has to try to give the girls alcohol poisoning. "Ronnie’s already flirting a lot, and I don’t want him to get in trouble," Snooki says to my abject horror. "So I’m going to make the girls drinks, and I'm making the drinks really f–king strong, because I want them to pass out. Hopefully this will keep Ron from cheating."

WOW, OK, I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO TALK ABOUT HOW PROBLEMATIC THIS IS. It is levels and dimensions of unwise and misguided, even for this franchise. And I know a light-hearted episode recap is maybe not the platform for this, but what in the actual f–k are they thinking by making “Snooki gets half-naked girls plastered drunk so Ron will MAYBE not cheat on his pregnant girlfriend” a side plot? After all the discussions about #MeToo and last year's Bachelor in Paradise scandal, this is such an idiotic move on everyone’s part.

OK, I need a breather. Final stretch, let's do this.

In the tub, Pauly’s making out with one of the girls and Vinny's trying hard to be gentlemanly. Ronnie, his creep levels to the moon, is giving the topless French chick the lightest butt graze of all time. Last time JWoww reported that Ronnie was cheating, she wrote a note and it came down to blows. She's not going to get in trouble this time, so she’s going straight to bed. Jealous.

OOOH, OOOH LOOK, Snooki’s planned backfired, I’m so shocked. She overserved the Colombian Girl (who wasn’t even a threat in the first place) and now she’s stumbling around, in her underwear, she’s probably like 19, how can you sleep at night?! This isn’t a cute meatball problem, Snooki, you’re a freakin’ mom now. "I feel bad, because this is my fault," she says as this poor child projectile vomits on national television, whimpering about how she has class in the morning. No kidding. I can't believe I'm watching this, I can’t believe I'm watching this in 2018.

But not to undermine the main point, which is that Ronnie, who is EXPECTING A CHILD WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND BTW, is still hitting on this sleepy-eyed French chick. Oh, and conveniently she wants to get a tour of the mansion. He clomps back upstairs to cheat on his baby momma, making sure to reference his ex-girlfriend on the way up.

This is the darkest timeline.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 3 Recap: "Sunday Vinday"

We return to Snooki making sad little piglet noises sandwiched between hiccup-y yelps of "Jionni's gonna kill me" because she lost her wedding ring. Her dad is like, "Chill," and rightfully so: They find it literally 46 seconds from when the episode starts. I f–king timed it.

Whatever, Snooki is grateful for this even though the boys can’t believe all this drama over a ring. "It's so superficial anyway,” Vinny says. “That's why I'm just going to hand you an apple when I ask you to marry me." "And I'll never eat that apple," Pauly shoots back. They’re the only couple on this franchise worth shipping.

Ronnie is insistent that the irrationally upset Snooki should stay and she slurs about some belligerent nonsense and, "Why can't you let me sleep." He remarks that he and Snooki have always been like brother and sister, which as we recounted last week means a lot of weird incestuousness, but not in this case.

The next day, Situation gives JWoww a recap on that epic engagement ring story arc since she was not feeling well and seemed to have slept through the debacle before getting into some things that are way too heavy for me before I’ve had some coffee. JWoww asks what prompted Mike to get sober, and he admitted that over the years, he would drop alcohol but keep little things like weed or cigarettes. Ultimately, "I just realized that my way wasn't working," he says, which is boring but big of him.

jersey shore mike

So here’s some dark Italy backstory. Before that season JWoww’s grandma died and she had a miscarriage (omfg) and was put on Xanax for her depression. Then she self-medicated with more pills and holy s–t, this isn't cool to make fun of. And then Mike reveals that he was going through withdrawals the entire time he was in Italy, which made him think that he was gonna win that battle against the wall. Guys, it's like 11 a.m. The point is that they’re in a better place and the Situation is humble AF now, or so he says. It’s great that everyone, in their own way, is trying to get past their demons and mature.

Cut to the sound of Ronnie's bowel movements.

Everyone seems to agree, Ron is 100% not over Sammi.

Snooki is still missing her family and suddenly remembers that Facetime exists. And yeah, her kids are fine. Also, Snooki's little boy has her old mouth! That's so cute (I think). Snooki decides she won’t bail on the several episode contract MTV inevitably gave her. “This is literally my opportunity and I'm just complaining." Yeah, Snooki, please just shut up and enjoy your Miami villa, it’s day two.

Ronnie’s continues his reign of terror on the toilet bowls, “Sammi” has a new crushed velour ensemble, and there’s a house spider with “red tentacles” who the gang dubs “Black Guido.” I’m sure that’s offensive to several different groups of people somehow, keeping in the show’s grand tradition of infuriating different races and subcultures.

They go rock climbing which is only a set up for Snooki losing the "Cleaning Ron's S–t Challenge". I mean, I think we all lose, as a society, by choosing to watch this. She gets into her hazmat suit and I can hear the funeral dirge play in the background. Also, WHY ARE YOU DRINKING WINE, THIS IS NOT THE MOMENT. She asks for Deena’s help and she’s like, "Listen, I'm all about Team Meatballs, but…"

Nevertheless, we cut to Deena now in a hazmat suit too. This is happening. Even the boys can't deal with this. Everyone starts dry-heaving and we're having a fun time. The gentle sounds of Brian Just's "Changing Traffic Lights" serenades us and the travesty Ronnie inflicted on the toilet is so vile that they blur it out, a small blessing. I leave to go get a snack and come back to Snooki still plunging. Nope.

"We should just get a plumber," she deduces. Yeah no kidding, aren’t you all millionaires?!

So anyway, Ronnie’s baby mama calls and APPARENTLY SHE HAS A 12-YEAR-OLD CHILD? Like it isn’t terrifying enough that Ronnie is now a dad, he’s also supposed to be stepfather and mentor to a preteen?

Actually, he’s probably not gonna stick around that long, TBH; during their fascinating talk about Jen’s shopping habits, Ronnie looks as bored as I am. "It seems like they have nothing to talk about at all," Pauly brilliantly observes. After Ronnie wraps up his non-convo, he spouts at the “Sammi” doll, "That's what a NORMAL relationship is like, Sam." He misses her so much.

BUT BEFORE I EVEN WRITE THAT DOWN, PAULY CONFIRMS IT. "He happens to always bring up Sammi, no matter what we do." And while I’m 99.6% positive that that’s what the script-writers intended, it is really creepy, right? Pauly thinks he’s still in love with her, and I think if that’s the case, someone should keep an eye on that doll.

There’s a weird interlude where Deena thinks because her hands are swollen she has a problem. "Or maybe you're just pregnant," says Dr. Ronnie, but she's on her period. Everyone, but Mom!Deena bashes the crazy concept of wearing condoms. To be honest, this group maybe should’ve skipped straight ahead to sterilization, but too late for that now. Vinny jokes about “busting” in his girlfriend (they're not together now btw). Vinny reenacts Pauly having sex. I’m sure he would know.

jersey shore vinny and pauly

The Snooki vs. Vinny drama begins.

Snooki has taken to roasting Vinny a lot recently because they have "some kind of history." I’m scratching my head here…are they talking about when Vinny hooked up with Snooki and then he hooked up with Ryder? Ok, but like, that was 20 seasons ago. There’s some unfortunate pre-smushing clips and Vinny confirms, "Me and Nicole have this history because we've actually hooked up in the past." Kay, we got it. He also wasn't invited to her and Jionni’s wedding, and I’m sure he really feels like he missed out on that $50 chicken francaise.

They decide to go out and go hard. Shots are happening all around and Vinny thinks it’s a great idea to get body painted. He gets, plot twist, an Italian flag on his chest. “I have a good body and I want to show it off now, and we’re representing Italy right now,” he says. Italy is like, "No thanks, we're good."

Ronnie, still stuck in 2011, has "Who wrote the note" sprayed on his chest. JWoww eye-rolls into the sun and Snooki is all, "B—h, stop, you're having a baby with someone else, move on." Vinny desperately tries to air hump some friendship out of Snooki but, hmm, maybe not the best method.

jersey shore vinny dancing

At home, Snooki complains that Vinny's being weird and not acting like himself and, "her man will not like that." Maybe he’s being a bit antagonistic in his approach, but every time she whines, "This is literally going to f–k up my marriage,” I literally want to pull a Situation and put my skull through some concrete. "Vinny is literally a trigger, they have a history," Deena adds for further clarification. Head, meet wall.

Oh, Vinny just hit his 10,000 steps.

Anyway, Snooki remains adamant about why she can’t be near Vinny and she’s all, "I don't want to disrespect my husband." OH, SHE CHEATED ON JIONNI WITH VINNY. OH, ok, it's all coming back now.

She storms off and JWoww goes upstairs to be like, “Look can you chill TF out about Vinny.” They bicker and Snooki instead calls her bestie an “idiot” under her breath, and it is on. They start a screaming match and Snooki’s all, “I’m not scared of you, JWoww.”

Whoa, are you KIDDING me, Nicole? I have spent every day of my life scared of JWoww. She came into our office once and I sat perfectly still, afraid that a sudden movement would provoke an attack. Snooki should thank her lucky stars that JWoww never decided to unhinge her jaws and f–king eat her.

Ronnie has no idea what’s going on. Same, bro..

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 2 Recap: "The Ring"

We picked up where we last left off, with Snooki faceplanted onto the concrete. They carry her and all get into the cab (vintage!) and Pauly D tries to placate everyone with a philosophy that defines the franchise: "Brothers and sisters fight! Brothers and sisters fight!" By extension of that, brothers and sisters also bone each other on national television.

They get to the house and it's a blackout…exclusively in that house, with absolutely no involvement from MTV. Deena "broked" a lot of things and scream-slurs into my ear. Snooki, still wearing her hooker boots and leather pants, pees in the pool and Vinny scavenges the cheese off his pizza. All the Emmys.

Eventually, they swaddle up Snooki like a very bronzed baby and put her to bed, and Ronnie takes a shot at Sammi (or the silicon mutant that lives on the couch, can't tell). He's dolphin-laughing and bobble-heading and Deena is annoyed. And then she says, "Because you really did f–k me."

NO NO NO NO NO, STOP. Oh, wait, she means metaphorically.

Deena's not going to bring it up because she doesn't want to talk about it. Just kidding, she does some first-rate slurring about how Ronnie wasn't there for her when her dad died. Oh no, is that what broke up the iconic Ronnie-Deena friendship that I…never really remember being part of the show? It isn't a good look for Ron, though, and watching Deena drunkenly drag him is deeply uncomfortable. Let me just save you the time: Ronnie was in a really bad place in his life (clearly his golden years must have been Seasons 2 and 3) and they then make up.

snooki pizza

Snooki wakes up the next day hungover (and by hungover we mean "still drunk") and finds a charming ant infestation in the backyard. The fam decides to go out for breakfast before they pick up Mike, and it's kind of a bummer time. Snooki gets all teary when she hears Lorenzo's favorite song, which MTV says is "Thunder" by Imagine Dragons. He's five years old, but okay. JWoww then joins her in the bathroom for a good cry, and Jenni admits she has "mom guilt" over leaving her kids and partying it up.

To be honest, I get that struggle, but I really don't think that once you get married and have babies you should just turn into a joyless housewife who does nothing but knit, cook, and, breed. And yeah, I'm terrified about my future kids finding like thousands of articles about me sloring it up in Brooklyn. I just also think that, I don't know, once you become a mom maybe you should draw the line at drunkenly peeing in a pool in front of America.

Whatever, they leave to get turnt at 11:32 am.

The Situation finally graces Miami with his presence.

MVP reunite in the airport! And it's…underwhelming, but alright, the Situation is back. They shade the girls' plastic surgery which is rude but they're family, right? And Situation talks about what court is like and I did jury duty back in November, so not really looking to relive this conversation.

ronnie jersey shore lapdance

Meanwhile, Ronnie is getting lapdances from several sexualized Lisa Frank folders and everyone's having a great time. Situation shows up and explains to those of you who are arriving to the party late, "There is many years where I wasn't my best self." But it's fine because, in spite of it all, his friends have always seen the best in him. He arrives to a crowd of cheer-boos and says, "This is my squad, and listen. We got a good situation." Every time he makes a situation joke, a puppy dies. Sober shots all around!

When they get home, Ronnie generously decides to clog the toilet, and I'm so grateful I get such an intimate look at this guido's bodily functions. And as it would turn out, Mike and Ronnie are going to end up rooming together. And that decision will definitely not end with someone's head in a wall.

mike the situation crying

Memories.

Outside, Snooki compliments Mike on his betterment and the meatballs have decided he's basically a saint now. "I'm a nice person," Deena says. "I'm not, I'm like the worst," Snooki says. "Why am I a whore? No, like a mean whore. I hate everyone." They cheers and dead honesty, I have never felt closer to her.

Anyway, time for a classy celebratory dinner at the Delano. "We don't deserve to be here," JWoww says. They burp over the dinner table and I can't disagree. Then, holding up their sparkling water (…) they toast to the new Situation. It goes something like this:

Vinny: Mike, we're really proud of you and how far you've come.

Snooki: Mike, I legit hated you for like four our of six seasons, but now I love you and all is forgiven.

JWoww: Mike, I literally punched you in the f–king face but you a'ight. I'm honored to call you my friend.

Ronnie: Mike, our track record is bad and there's a lot of footage on YouTube confirming this. Since day one, you've been a garbage human being. I didn't like you. I still don't like you. The entire time we're sitting at this table I'm resisting the urge to kick your ass. But it feels a little too early in the season to unpack this drama, so congrats on the sobriety, I guess.

I'm touched. Pauly makes some reasonable predictions based on all this, and we'll bold as the series goes along:

There's going to be fighting.

Jenni's going to b—h about it.

Snooki's going to b—h about it.

Ronnie's going to cry.

And Deena's going to cry.

He's definitely a soothsayer, we'll say that. The gang comes home plastered after their sparkling water, and Deena and Snooki decide to drown the Sammi doll. It is so uniquely horrifying to see that Exorcist-esque creature scream "Staaaahp!" as they drag the lifeless corpse to the pool. Not even because I'm reliving the whole Ronnie and Sammi thing again. Dude, even I'm still going to therapy following that relationship.

Then, all of a sudden, Snooki realizes she's lost all of her rings after throwing the Sammi doll into the pool, and she's gets hysterical. But pause, how is this possible? When she lost all that weight, was it in her hands exclusively? Her rings should fit her. I don't…well, anyway, now they're all scrambling on the grass looking for her diamond ring, which is definitely riveting television. Distraught, Snooki wants to leave and calls her dad on the duck phone sobbing. Oh, just like old times! But sorry Snickers, if I'm stuck on this vacation, you are too.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation Episode 1 Recap: "What's In The Bag?"

First, let's check in with what the Jersey Shore fam is up to today.

Our girls have really domesticated! Snooki astonishingly married Jionni LaValle and is a proud mom to two children and three goldfish, and the lucky owner of a unicorn onesie. Deena is also married and I'm still not. So good for them. Now for the castmates who are giving me rage blackouts.

When Pauly D shows up, his hair frozen in the same mold from a decade ago, he announces that he's living in a big motorcycle-filled mansion in Vegas and he's a hugely successful DJ. "Who woulda thought," he quips, AND NO ONE, NO ONE THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN. Pauly is living the life he's always wanted, which is something I will remember every day as I write this to pay off my student loans.

ronnie and jen harley

Ronnie also lives in Vegas because he needed to chase someone resembling a friend. He and his girlfriend, fur-shrug wearing Jen Harley are expecting their first child together and he looks so gobsmacked at the prospect of a pregnancy photo shoot. She might as well have told him she put arsenic in his protein powder. Nevertheless, he does the shoot fully shirtless. Of course, he does.

As for the The Situation, he's in legal hot water. He's dating his college sweetheart Lauren Pesce (who apparently went to my high school, represent) and spends a lot of time dealing with a four-year-long court case. Apparently, tax evasion is a no-no. Good real estate choice with Pier Village, though.

Vinny's mom still does his laundry. Uncle Gabady-Goop still hasn't learned his English. It feels like home.

Onto the show…

jersey shore family vacation cast

Deena drives Snooki and JWoww to the Shore as they bicker about their boob jobs. Deena's all, "Girls, girls, your boobs are both nice," while white-knuckling the wheel. They stop by to see Danny at the Shore Store, who looks emotionally broken at the site of two meatballs and a JWoww. Truly, he is the tortured stepdad of this whole franchise. Snooki also leaves to steal the Duck Phone, who will be filling in for Sammi Sweetheart this season.

We're reminded for the first time of many that Sammi isn't coming to the show with a less-than-dignified highlight reel.

The Situation and Vinny are boxing and talking about bettering themselves, Vinny because he's eating more salads and the Sitch has been sober for several years. V proud.

Meanwhile, at Crab's Claw (…) the girls are grabbing dinner. JWoww is wearing a high-neck beige sweater (I'm done), and Snooki plays pop the t—y. "Nicole, we're in a restaurant," Deena scolds, and we're left to wonder, is she the real mom of this group?

"Would you consider me and Nicole sisters? Would you consider Pauly, Vinny, and Mike brothers?" JWoww asks, and outsider Mom!Deena placates her with "Yes-es" until Snooki decides to Facetime The Situation. They talk about his potential plea deal and Snook is shook about the idea of Mike in jail. "Like, Orange is the New Black, I saw that s–t, it was scary," she says. Bless.

"Why wouldn't Sammi come?"

sammi sweetheart

Meanwhile in Sin City, Ronnie and Pauly are talking about why Sammi wouldn't come. I don't know why this is a big mystery given the following recap Ronnie gives us: "I wanted to do the right thing, but there was a part of me that was like, 'I'm not going to do the right thing.' So I didn't do it, ended up cheating, she found out, I blew it, it's over." Welp.

They also mention that Sammi's new boyfriend is a clone of Ronnie, and my brother and I can agree. Ronnie does bear a striking resemblance to Nintendo celebrity primate Donkey Kong.

Anyway, Ronnie thinks Sam shouldn't have to worry, because — dun dun dun — he is having a baby with someone else.

"Holy s–t, you're going to be a dad," Pauly, voice of the audience, says.

"I am, just like you," Ron replies. Yes, Ronnie and Pauly D have both procreated and we have to live with that fact. Regardless, the two aren't sure whether the Ronnie coming to Miami will be Dad!Ronnie or Single!Ronnie. Pauly no doubt ponders this while he packs a luggage worth of hair gel.

They're in Miami, b—h!

jersey shore hug

Insert picturesque beachy shots of the girls pulling up to a gorgeous villa as snow piles up outside my carpeted railroad-style apartment. Cool. Mike needs to stay in Jersey for a make-or-break court date though, so Ronnie and Pauly roll up shortly thereafter.

It takes 13 seconds for Ronnie to bring up Sam (SHE'S NOT GONNA BE ON THE SHOW, NOT SURE IF YOU'RE AWARE). Deena, shocking me again, is diplomatic. "I just want to say one thing, Sam is our friend so I will not like anyone talking bad about her." Then they all laugh about how condoms are stupid and this explains so much.

Vinny arrives and mentions that Mike is still back home dealing with his legal issues. "They moved the court date because the scriptwriters think it'll make more drama," Vinny basically says (with his eyes). Everyone is freaking out. I mean, I know if I don't get to look at The Situation's somewhat mangled looking torso again on TV, I'll suffer from an extreme case of disappointment.

snooki jwoww screaming

After Snooki deep-throats some pickles, the boys drag out a body bag, and I'm about to flip out myself. Emerging is a Sammi RealDoll — I'm like pretty sure because in eighth grade I watched an HBO special about realistic sex dolls — that conveniently spouts her catchphrases. Everyone freaks out because duh. Ronnie asks if he has sex with her if that's still considered cheating.

I'm just really glad that this franchise is continuing its grand tradition of treating women with respect. Also, Raaaaahn staaaahp.

ronnie jersey shore family vacation

"I think coming here shows that we grew as people," Deena quips as "family is everything" shirts are distributed. I'm sure Sammi would agree.

By the way, the judge is allowing Mike to come to Miami even though he's guilty AF. Christmas isn't canceled after all. Time to celebrate! JWoww puts on her clubbing glasses. Is there going to be some sort of She's All That transformation mid-season where she rips that off and returns to the world of lamé halter tops? Drunk Snooki and "Sammi" also have the first physical fight of the season, resulting in a tragic weave accident and MURDER. But enough chit-chat, it's time to hit the club!

…and honestly, they look tired.

fist pump

Everyone is still fist-pumping, of course. Vinny's feeling himself, because his Keto diet is carb-less, and he teaches us how to "beat the beat up" his ode to breaking and entering. Ron and Deena are having confrontations because of the whole Sammi drama.

"I'm about to have a kid and I'm still here," Ronnie says, which isn't something to be bragging about? Deena accurately points out that Ronnie seems very not over Sammi and this isn't a good look and I can't believe it's still 2010.

Anyway, the night ends in a classic fashion, with a tumbling Snooki so wasted that even the subtitles don't know what she's saying. I hope somewhere in Monmouth County, Sammi Sweetheart is treating herself to an apple walnut caramel pie.

This is going to be one unforgettable trip, isn't it?