Hey, did anyone actually bother to read Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s Vogue article aside from some of the quotes released to promote the issue?
Well, we did — and we’ll never be the same.
Here are 25 things that need be told from start to finish:
1: Naturally Kris Jenner Talks Her Way Into a Shot
There’s a photo spread dedicated to Vogue editors fawning over Kim — but we couldn’t stop staring at someone particular in the photo: The Momager herself. She looks directly at the camera as she holds North West. Note: She is the ONLY person looking at the camera – go figure.
“Anybody need anything? Water? Vodka? Get on my train!” she’s quoted as saying – and even her eyelashes got some press: “fluttering eyelashes as thick, long, and lustrous as a hummingbird’s wings.”
2: A One-Car Garage = Kim’s Ultimate Nightmare
On her idol Elizabeth Taylor’s house:
“It was just so enchanting,” she remembers, “with a garden with really pretty trellises and beautiful roses, but it wasn’t realistic for me to purchase. It only had a one-car garage.”
3: Kim Does Get Bored — And This Is Proof
“I put Kanye’s big chains around her [North], and I put a little Louis bag and some Jordans, and I was like, ‘What up Daddy?’”
Because every 10-month-old appreciates a Louis Vuitton bag.
4: Totally Normal to Have Nearly Naked Pics of Your Daughters Hanging Up in Your Home
Kris even has some framed images of her underwear-clad daughters from the 2011 Kardashian Kollection for Sears campaign shot by [Annie] Leibovitz. Kim politely disabuses Annie of the notion that they might have been put here expressly for the shoot (“She’s always had them; she loves them,” she assures her).
Know what Kris loves even more? PRESS.
5: How Does This Even Make Sense?
Kanye’s old house has been deemed to have “no privacy and no space.”
”We use the whole bottom floor for storage,” says Kim, who keeps the majority of her wardrobe there. “We have a ‘walk in’ house!” Kanye jokes.
We hardly doubt Kanye is “joking.”
6: North West’s “Spare Bedroom” at Grandma — Oops, We Mean “Lovey”s House
Now Tord Boontje’s iconic Swarovski pink blossom chandelier twinkles about a Lucite crib and pale-colored shag-pile carpeting all reflected in a narcissism-nurturing mirrored wall.
7: Kanye Being Kanye
He considers his music “a sonic painting. I’m not music. I’m not fashion,” he explains. “I’m just art. Life is a giant art project.”
8: Kanye Being Kanye…Again
“Wait a second; Walt Disney worked with a lot of different animators,” he notes. “When I work with music, I work with a lot of different people. If you work together, you can find something greater — and all people can win.”
”I’m really into fantasy, as you know. I’m obsessed with Walt Disney and Tim Burton and Hayao Miyazaki.”
Yes, he just compared himself to Walt Disney. But what happened to Steve Jobs? No more love for the Apple icon?
9: Kim’s Head is Probably as Big as Her Butt Right About Now
”Kim is like a fantasy, period,” he says. “She’s like a dream girl. And I think a dream girl should live in a dream world.”
We can see her head inflating all the way from here.
10: But She, Like, Agrees — Duh
”I do live in a dream world,” says Kim. “The fact that I’m waking up tomorrow, shooting for Vogue, I get to play dress-up every single day of my life, have my dream fiancé, my dream baby, you know?”
We do know all too well, Kim. We see it on your Instagram account…and we’re happy you found your “dream fiancé” after your numerous failed relationships. Kudos!
11: Just STOP
Kim arrived exultant, having successfully managed to throw off the 30 or so paparazzi that had been her near-constant shadows. She evaded them by dodging into Selfridges (“It’s the only place I know here,” she said), where luckily she ran into a friend and they conspired to switch cars.
This after she likely tipped off the “30 or so paparazzi.”
12: Yup, We’re Saying It: What a Bunch of BS
”When you’re young and you’re riding around L.A. with your friends it’s fun and exciting, but now I’m in my 30s and don’t really care to go out and be seen or impress anybody.
She doesn’t care to “be seen”???? RIGHTTTT. OK.
13: Isn’t This What Everyone Does?!? *sarcasm*
”Paris is the place we go when we want to get away,” she adds.
14: Blah, Blah, Blah — The Wedding
”People are probably assuming we’re going to have this massive wedding,” says Kim, “and I think that it will be — but intimate. Two hundred people — just all of our closest friends — a special night for us and all the people that really love and that have supported us.”
There is NOTHING remotely “intimate” about that statement.
”I tried to do flats when I was pregnant,” says Kim. “Couldn’t do it.”
And we're scarred for life because of that.
16: At Least She’s Honest
“I feel odd when I don’t wear makeup!” she says with a laugh. “I don’t recognize myself.”
17: Woody Harrelson Even Made It In
Kim is astonished by the revelation that Woody Harrelson refuses to put a cell phone to his ear. “I’d rather have a few years off my life,” she avers. “We spend sometimes six or eight hours on the phone every day, especially with all of our traveling. We just sit on the phone and talk about anything and everything.”
The sad thing is we can totally picture Kim and Kanye sitting next to each other and texting instead of speaking. The whole “I’d rather have a few years off my life” quote is BEYOND. You have a daughter, Kim!
18: The Understatement of the Century
”I just love to be so over-the-top,” says Kim.
No kidding. Everything about this interview is “over-the-top.”
19: Even Kim Knows Kanye Can Be Irritating
He is currently tweaking the gown’s sweetheart neckline, which he has likened to a McDonald’s M. “I want to make it heart-shaped,” he says, “more graphic, more modern. You can still soften it with the chiffon.” Kim’s eyes roll discreetly to the silver-leafed ceiling.
To be a fly on that ceiling during this conversation.
20: Creative Genius? More Like Neckline Genius
”I’m really big on necklines,” says Kanye with masterly understatement. “I research T-shirt shapes because that’s what we do, me and my crew at Donda [the creative-design agency, named for his late mother, that, as Kanye once tweeted, “will galvanize amazing thinkers and put them in a creative space to bounce their dreams and ideas…”]. We master T-shirts — the Yeezus-tour T-shirts, Pyrex, Been Trill, Fear of God, even normal T-shirts with nothing on them. We literally tailor T-shirts. We take that type of stuff superseriously. A neckline means the difference — for women and men.”
21: North’s Tour Nurseries
They have a nursery backstage at every venue so North “can be in the back while we watch the show,” says Kim. “She sleeps through it all: She has these little headphones.”
22: Pure Awesomeness
Kanye later cast Kim as a scantily dressed Princess Leia in the pilot for Alligator Boots, a raunchy “hip-hop Muppet Show.”
”I was like, Oh, my God. He’s really funny and he’s really cool,” remembers Kim.
Warning: NSFW. Thank us later:
23: In Case You’re Unaware, They Think They’re the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread
”It’s hard to be the first,” he says. “And, yes, we want to be the first and the best — that might come off the wrong way, but it’s true.”
It definitely comes off the wrong way.
For Kim, the hardest part of the relationship is “trying to keep the outside world from breaking into our bond.”
…then stop documenting every single move on social media?
25: The Quote of All Quotes
”She created something really powerful that the universe connected with,” he says, “and I created something that people connected with, and then when we combine our information….We can help communicate and educate and just bring more dopeness in general. It’s really just about dopeness at the end of the day.”
We’ll say this: Without them, we would have never seen this genius:
Thank you, Kimye, for your “dopeness.”
Can Kanye now please make a dictionary so we can keep up with all of his words? The Kanyictionary.