‘Tis the Season: Unpacking the Most Cringe-Worthy Celebrity Christmas Carols
Every year it seems that there's an onslaught of Christmas pop songs released into the wild, scrambling desperately to become yearly classics. We can't imagine why celebs would want to push out their own unique carols (jk, it's because of forever royalties) when the majority of them fall a little flat. Let's face it, we can't all be Mariah Carey. But because they make the season bright in their own… unique way, here are a few of the best worst Christmas pop songs that have been delivered to us over the years.
Courtney Stodden – "Mistletoe Bikini"
There are slightly hokey Christmas pop numbers, and then there are hot festive disasters that have American legends holding the reigns. "Mistletoe Bikini," in case you couldn't tell, is the latter. The Christmas classic is all about Courtney Stodden's heated desire to f–k Santa Claus, and yes, the line, "Santa is daddy" makes it into this breathtaking masterpiece.
Courtney is the gift that keeps on giving.
Lady Gaga – "Christmas Tree"
This isn't nearly as pornographic as Courtney's offering, but we're pretty sure it is a song that uses "Christmas tree" as an extended metaphor for Lady Gaga's Lady Va-jay-jay. So. Also no Christmas song should be allowed this much synth. Plz go.
Justin Bieber – "Mistletoe"
Acoustically this is not the stuff of nightmares, it has a minimalist beat that, while boring, doesn't feel like it's assaulting our ears or anything. We just feel very grossed out by the use of "shawty" in a Christmas carol. And baby Biebs using the phrase "shawty" in general.
Ariana Grande – "Santa Tell Me"
Again, it's not the beat of this that we're exactly opposed to, we know Ariana's schtick and that it's to basically be a Mini Mariah with cat ears. Objective achieved. What we can't wrap our heads around is the actual lyrics of this. Ariana, sweetie, you're a grown woman. Santa Claus is not the person you should be going to for relationship advice. Santa Claus…is not a real person in general. But we're 90% sure the bearded man at the mall can't tell you if the guy you're dating is "the one" or just someone who's sticking around through cuffing season.
Duck the Halls – "Hairy Christmas"
What is Duck the Halls, you may ask? Welp, it's the Duck Dynasty boys' country strong Christmas album that nobody asked for. "Hairy Christmas" won out as the stand-out track here strictly because of the sentiment, "Hairy Christmas." Secondarily, though, we can't get over the line, "Shot down some ducks and some mistletoe." Like, we get it, you're the Duck Dynasty crew, you shoot down ducks, it's your thing. BUT WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING DOWN MISTLETOE? What did the mistletoe ever do to you?
Destiny's Child – "8 Days of Christmas"
So let's put this into perspective, because everyone, including us, feels weird disgracing anything that involves Beyoncé. The source material for this, "The 12 Days of Christmas," is an exhausting Christmas songs. It's endless, it makes no logistical sense (how do you gift 10 lords a leaping?), and the "FIVE GOLDEN RINGS" part is pretty jarring. "8 Days of Christmas" relies on less memorization, but it's kind of braggy and obnoxious. Like, "look at all these things Jay-Z was able to get me." It's the musical equivalent of a Christmastime Facebook engagement announcement, and we already have enough of that in our feed.
Rihanna – "I Just Don't Feel Like Christmas Without You"
We just don't feel like listening to a Rihanna song that we couldn't grind on Drake to.
Britney Spears – "My Only Wish This Year"
Oh god. We're thinking that Ariana Grande graduated from the Britney Spears School of Asking Santa For Inappropriate Requests. This adorably dated song is just…it's Britney asking for her ex-boyfriend(?) back. Honey, you don't want a gift-wrapped Justin Timberlake under your tree. Like, it's nice in theory, but will only end badly. Speaking of which…
NSYNC – "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays"
And finally, this. It's hard to express just how ridiculous this is, although to begin with it starts with Gary Coleman (as an elf?) declaring that Christmas is canceled because of a fever. The song itself is a snoozer, but we can't get over the idea of Chris Kirkpatrick taking over Santa's sleigh and delivering toys to all the good little children of the world. Also, Joey is living his best life here.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, indeed.
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