Ladies and gentleman, I’m here today to settle a decade-long debate that has plagued playgrounds for years: Mary-Kate Olsen rules and Ashley Olsen drools. Or in grown-up terminology (if you’re into that), Mary-Kate is the exponentially more interesting and fabulous twin, while Ashley’s more tasteful (for an Olsen) lifestyle puts me to sleep. Now, am I saying that just because MK and I have similar names it’s a key factor in choosing my favorite Olsen as a child? Yes, absolutely. But it doesn’t invalidate my point.
Look into your heart and you’ll see that Mary-Kate is the only Olsen twin that matters and here’s the definitive proof:
Mary-Kate always got the meatier roles.
The basic plot of 98% of straight-to-video Olsen twins flicks follows two identical yet ~totally different~ girls who often trade places and search for a potential parent, usually in a foreign country. And 98% of the time Mary-Kate was thrust into the role of the edgier tomboyish character while Ashley played the prissy girly-girl. Spoiler Alert: MK’s roles were always like a million times more interesting that Ashley’s snooze-worthy performances.
For example, in the primo film It Takes Two Mary-Kate plays riff-raff orphan Amanda to Ashley’s proper rich girl Alyssa. After the girls trade places, MK’s Amanda is pressured into playing a classical composition at the request of Alyssa’s would-be evil stepmother. Amanda decides to forgo the Chopin (pronounced “Chop-en,” well done, Mary-Kate) and in what can only be described as “punk rock poetry put to life,” bangs out a cluster f–k of notes in dedication to this wicked witch.
Mary-Kate has an actual solo acting credit that I can remember without looking at IMDB.
It was The Wackness and she does well in her hippie-chick part. I mean, granted, the talent on that film was literally Josh Peck and the best-friend-from-Juno, but the point is that Mary-Kate made an effort to do something Ashleyless.
Mary-Kate is the only Olsen twin in her own CollegeHumor web series.
Ok, it isn’t the real MK, it’s brilliant comedienne Elaine Carroll holding a series of oversized Starbucks cups, but Very Mary-Kate is the closest thing we get to a documentary on the superior Olsen. Actually, I don’t know if I ever want a documentary on Mary-Kate, I’m fine accepting this as canon.
Mary-Kate’s style is legendary and Ashley’s style is boring AF. Fight me.
“But Mary Grace, they’re both fashion moguls, waaaaah, waaah, waaah.” Take a seat. I know they started all their fashion lines together, I know that the Olsen girls both have a habit of dressing like Anna Wintour’s Death Eaters these days. But ever since Mary-Kate got her hands on some red hair dye back in 2003, she made her multi-layered haute bohemian trash bag aesthetic into absolute #stylegoals. And Ashley? She couldn’t even touch it. Here are just a few examples.
Ashley looking like she’s wearing your Abercrombie and Fitch spring semi-formal dress (in brown) and Mary-Kate looking like she’s stumbled out of the hippest opium den of all time and…
Ashley with a sleek blowout and super basic black gown and Mary-Kate dazzling in her ill-fitting sequin nightshirt complete with “IDGAF I’m a billionaire” bedhead.
Here’s Ashley doing her best with some Kool-Aid dyed hair streaks and Mary-Kate changing the game with her top hat, Cheetah print coat, and statement-making plum lips.
Here’s Ashley wearing that heinous bridesmaids dress from your cousin’s beach wedding and Mary-Kate looking like she rolled off the set of Dynasty and could host a happy family of baby birds in her beehive.
I rest my case.
Mary-Kate is the only Olsen twin at the center of a murder mystery.
And we’re not talking about that asinine The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley series (it’s not You’re Invited, let me tell you that). We’re referring to how when Heath Ledger was found dead by his masseuse in 2008, the first person she called was Mary-Kate (twice!) before she called, you know, 911.
Now, we’re not saying that MK is a scorned murderess who decided to place a hit on The Dark Knight actor, nor are we saying that she supplied the drugs that caused the overdose (her lawyers would hard deny that). But we’re just saying that being a suspect in one of the most mysterious Hollywood deaths of all time is far more interesting than, I don’t know, whatever Ashley was doing in 2008. Sharing her history of trick-or-treating with David Letterman or something.
Mary-Kate’s relationship with that one geriatric man is the most horrifically fascinating thing I’ve seen in my life.
Oh. My God. Leave it to Mary-Kate to be a visionary even in her questionable relationship choices, because she and her husband Olivier Sarkozy are the most jaw-dropping pairing in the history of ever. Like, let’s get this out of the way: She’s 31. He’s 48. He looks 58. She looks 45 but on the body of a child. It’s insane.
Of course, Ashley tried to one-up Mary-Kate by dating 59-year-old financier Richard Sachs, but they split up in March of last year. Mary-Kate full-on committed to marrying this ancient French banker and becoming the stepmother to her two stepkids, one of which literally towers over her. And as for the actual wedding? Apparently, they passed around “bowls and bowls” of cigarettes and smoked deep into the night. Put that on my Pinterest board, please.
One more look at this situation because seriously, he looks like a gross CEO taking his sullen mallgoth daughter to his retirement party. I love it.
Mary-Kate is the cute one.
…ok, we’ll let Ashley have that one.