The Olsen twins have been famous since their days in diapers — sharing the role of Michelle on Full House ICYMI — and it wasn't long before these tiny tots were doing press junkets left and right. But there's no interview like an old Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen interview, coated bottom to top with an extra layer of weird. And yes, that's before the girls decided to get real reclusive and load up on witchy haute couture dress robes.

In honor of the twins upcoming birthday, I took a look back through the Olsen twins' interview archives, reflecting on their Q & A's from the '90s and early 2000s. And suffice to say there's a lot of um, questionable material. Scroll down to see all the bizarre moments from their throwback interviews.

Their first interview is baffling…especially when you consider someone off-screen is feeding them lines.

When you look at the behind-the-scenes footage, it reveals that Mary-Kate and Ashley are getting their lines fed to them by their baby wrangler. Like I get it, they're literal babies, but if we're going to have them recite answers we could do better than, "My favorite thing is eating a cake."

In this clip, a spaced-out Mary-Kate threatens Ashley and they make fun of their fan base.

Presumably the girls are lounging after a rough day at work, and they seem especially ornery. Mary-Kate rambles incoherently and then says, "Cause Ashley spilled apple juice all over my outfit."

"That was fun," Ash chimes in, grinning impishly.

"Next time I'm going to dump it all over you, Ashley," Mary-Kate replies. Stone cold. What's also amazing is that this is the video where the Olsens do little-mocking impressions of their fans, sing-songing, "Can I have your autograph, can I have your autograph?" and "Take a picture" in tiny little voices.

IDK what they're saying, but I can watch Mary-Kate and Ashley feed ducks all day.

"Those ducks are pretty hungry," one Olsen remarks in her best Full House voice. The rest is completely incoherent but it seems like they're worried about getting like, sand or bread in the ducks' eyes. Or their eyes. Somebody's eyes.

This woman is like manhandling the Olsens and making them act like different animals on their trip to the zoo.

"Stretch your necks like a giraffe," she says in a cringe-worthy scene. She then physically picks them up and thoroughly examines their teeth. I guess in context it makes a little bit more sense (they're trying to explain the difference between them) and yet I still want no part of this. Like, if it were me, I would want my interviewer to be damn sure I was Mary-Kate before she picked me up and put me to work as a giraffe.

It's probably insanely easy to plagiarize an early Olsen Twin autograph.

In this old interview with Regis and Kathie Lee, Ashley's OG autograph is revealed to be a balloon with an A in it. Not to be upstaged, Mary-Kate writes out her full name (whoa) and adds a heart with an M inside. Your move, Ashley.

Donny and Marie Osmond are literally so effing creepy about Mary-Kate and Ashley's first on-screen kisses.

The girls start by talking about how embarrassing it was and then Donny jumps down their throats with. "Oh, come on, you like a little bit of it, huh?"

Then Marie rounds a corner with, "So, can I ask you a question, was it really your first kiss?" and when the girls say "no" she's like, "So were you like, pros at this before?" WHOA, slut-shaming there, Marie!

And then they talk about the "practice" required for the scene and Donny's like, "Ashley, were you intentionally making a mistake so you had to do it again?" What the fresh hell is this?

And Regis and Kathie Lee seem way too interested in the romantic lives of two pre-teens.

They ask the girls, who are about 11 or 12 here, if they're dating any boys. They're not. "Not even George Clooney?" Regis asks. What kind of joke is this? No, these literal children aren't tag team dating famed silver fox George Clooney.* Then Kathie Lee takes it the next level and asks if they like the same kind of guy. The girls do, and Kathie Lee muses, "It could be a problem down the road. It all could end over a guy." THESE AREN'T FAIRWEATHER TWINS, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BREAK UP OVER A CUTE BOY, YOU BACK THE F–K OFF KATHIE LEE.

Incidentally, Mary-Kate and Ashley reveal their celebrity crush (Ben Affleck!) to Rosie O'Donnell, but something strange happens.

"Well, well last time we were on your show, I said I had a crush on Brad Pitt — er, Tom Cruise." Mary-Kate(?) says, before declaring he's out. Huh?

"And last time I was here, I liked Brad Pitt, but he's out," Ashley says. Wait a minute, back up, why did Mary-Kate forget who her crush was? There are two theories here: either the crush running joke was something weird and contrived for their appearances with Rosie (very plausible, in a later appearance they're back into Tom Cruise) or this is a case where the Olsen twins have shared memories. Either way, weird.

The girls got way too comfortable with being stalked by large, creepy, middle-aged men.

Again, a little ironic given who Mary-Kate's married to, but nonetheless legitimately terrifying. The girls, so used to the weirdness of their lives, are laughing about the perverts that are attached to their fame. "Like the big creepy men who like follow you everywhere who are like, 'Can I have your picture?'" Mary-Kate explains. "And they're like 40 years old and they're like sweating and they have these pictures of us when we're like 12." Oh my Goood.

We're very concerned about how Ashley is describing the twins experience acting in Full House.

An Australian interviewer innocuously asks if it's weird to have their first memories be about starring on the sitcom, and Ashley's answer gives us serious pause. "It's not weird, but sometimes you…if I see an episode I definitely remember being in a shower uh…screaming because I'm so scared with the water and someone is dressed in a duck outfit with goggles and everything," she says.

WHAT, WAIT, WHAT?! Is this supposed to be an on-set memory, because it really sounds like there's something much darker at work here.

And finally, we're living for Mary-Kate's candid answer about if the twins wonder what it's like to be normal.

"Do you ever turn around and think, 'Ah, God, what would it be like to not be Mary-Kate and Ashley and be two regular girls?" the interviewer asks.

"All the time," Mary-Kate intones, the light vanishing from her eyes. Clearly, it's a rough job, but someone…someones…had to do it.