It’s been almost four years since Fast & Furious actor Paul Walker’s sudden death, but his mom Cheryl Walker is still having a hard time coming to terms.

So sad — the grief of losing her son in a tragic car accident in 2013 was so unbearable, that there were days she didn’t want to get out of bed.

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“I really honestly would wish that I didn’t have to wake up in the morning,” Cheryl revealed on The Dr Oz Show last week. “I would never have taken my life, but I really felt that way, because when you wake up you have to realize that it’s real, and you have to re-live it all over again.”

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If that’s not heartbreaking enough, Cheryl also revealed her last memories of Paul.

“I had had a really nice conversation with Paul that morning,” she recalled. “He was in my home, he left to go to the [his charity Reach Out Worldwide’s] event and so I was expecting him back in the early afternoon, evening. And we had plans with his daughter [Meadow] too, to decorate a Christmas tree that night.”

Sadly, that wasn’t to be as Paul died when a Porsche driven by his friend Roger Rodas crashed into a tree at high-speed in Valencia, CA. Like Cheryl, our hearts ached when we heard the news.

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“People think that you should just get over it, but they’ve not experienced this,” she said. “There are people that have any and my heart goes out to all of them.”

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Paul – who was 40 at the time of his death – isn’t only survived by Cheryl and his family, but co-star and real-life best friend Vin Diesel also sorely misses him.

“I could never stand on the stage and talk about Fast & Furious without giving love to my brother, Pablo, our brother Pablo,” Vin said as he collected the Generation Award at the MTV Movie & TV Awards on May 7. “We hope you are proud.”

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