Welcome to Life & Style’s weekly recap of Peter Weber‘s season of The Bachelor with fan-favorite, Jordan Kimball! Jordan rose to fame as the gold speedo-clad “pensive gentleman” on Becca Kufrin‘s season of The Bachelorette, and continued to capture fans’ hearts on seasons 5 and 6 of Bachelor in Paradise. Each week, he’ll be spilling his (very) honest thoughts and opinions on Peter, his contestants, and all of the drama that goes down in season 24 exclusively here at Life & Style! 

Tammy is clearly here for the pot stirring, Kelsey is here to cry, Victoria F. is here to for the free tickets to Stagecoach, Victoria P. is here just to outlast Alayah, Madison is here for her fan account posts, Sydney is here for the best kissing award, if anything, Mykenna is here to be a meme, Kelley is on vacation, Natasha is cool and that’s just enough of all that. Who is here for Pete, though? We are getting far, let’s see. Shall we?

We have a two-on-one up ahead with Mykenna and Tammy, and I saw that coming. I’m pretty certain that Mykenna will get the rose, and Pete seems to think that the drama is behind him. Well, the drama is behind you Pete, all behind your back! Turn around, guy.

Hannah Ann’s One-on-One

Mykenna is being called out for pulling Pete, and Victoria F. just showed that she might have a personality by making fun of Mykenna. Hannah Ann is chosen to go explore, and Mykenna is boiling. She needs to let it go. Mykenna is a nasty cold celery soup on the back burner from like two nights ago, that was like refrigerated briefly. Hannah Ann and Pete are just having fun, which is cool, they both need that. Perfecto! (I had to throw in some Spanish!)

When you love somebody, you spell it with big letters. We learned this from a nice Santiago couple, inspired. Hannah Ann has never been in love, according to the direction of her heart. I guess her heart was replaced with a compass. Y’all, I just can’t. Hannah Ann just called modeling a fishing pond. Pete keeps asking her about her past, it’s slightly odd and he’s not getting the answer he wants at the moment. So Pete walks away and does the constipation contemplation face, but gives her a rose just like we knew he would. Silly stuff, you can’t play us, Pete.

Sooooo update: Victoria F. is getting a second date all to herself with Peter. Reason No. 1208655 that Mykenna has lost her freaking mind. The drama is not over! I repeat! The drama is not over!! I’m so interested in seeing what Pete and Victoria F. need to address. But before then, we have a group date.

The Soap Opera Group Date

Victoria P. looks like she’s always trying to out-trend herself. By the way, on a side note, Pete is not very good at role-playing. Kelley is doing well again. Awesome. Sydney was a nurse in this soap opera, and it’s getting weird folks. Mykenna gets the final kiss and Chris Harrison steps in as Pete’s Papa. Hahahaha, classic. The end skit was fun. Applause.

All in all, this episode has been decent. Pete just said it’s getting really real, alrighty. Kelsey seems to think that she’s in a great position, and is the first one to have Pete’s company during the cocktail party. Victoria P. is wearing glasses so that Pete will take her more seriously forrrrrr sure … she wanted to open up with Pete but then like only addressed Alayah. This is very awkward, not the making of a relationship. Their better days are behind them.

She wants to fight for Pete though. Pete hears her, he’s just not feeling it by the looks of it. He’s not as secure and confident as she is in their relationship. She’s making a big deal out of this and he just doesn’t see her as his wife. He’s sorry though. She says she’s been vulnerable and yet she’s OK. This is so wishy-washy. This is the last conversation they’ll have, I guess. She’s in tears and asked for a car like a diva. Not a good exit, at all, by any means. I just don’t feel bad for her. Does anybody feel bad for Victoria P.? Please let me know.

9 girls left, it’s getting better! Victoria P. and Alayah will reunite on Paradise and maybe we will get to the bottom of it there. Pete and Madison are together on a set of steps, reliving the date from earlier. Someone get some new material for these two. Another side note, I just saw Tammy’s job is a house flipper, funny. She and Mykenna are going at it right now, and at this point, I’m wishing somebody just burns Tammy. We are over it.

I don’t know when Kelsey and Mykenna became friends, by the way, but cool. I’m pouring wine right now, literally. I just can’t, y’all. It’s time to give out a rose and I’m assuming it goes to Madison. Boom, the rose goes to Madison, he’s excited about her.

Victoria F.’s Second One-on-One Date

Here we are on the second one-on-one with Victoria F. I’m waiting for another ex to pop in, bless her. More awkward sunflower style dancing, and Pete just asked a stranger if they saw love between him and Victoria. That’s legit. There’s silence now, I suppose the drama is affecting her. Sad really. In a normal kinda not that sad way. Pete didn’t know she was struggling and now is wondering, is she ready? I don’t think she is now, but I think she will be soon, ya know. My two cents.

I need more eye contact out of these two, Pete and Victoria, show yourselves! Be open! Express! Pete’s not great with words, he just said she’s sabotaging them. Yikes. Her walls are up, she admitted it. He’s crazy about her, this is touchy but they’re so far apart, yet so close, less words. She just got very sassy. Can we raffle off a one-way ticket back home for Sydney? Anyway, Victoria is back in the room and everything is OK. Are y’all OK? Are we Victoria Fuller stans? I have to know.

Pete is having his first real sense of doubt, but they can only get through it together, it’s a team effort.

Mykenna and Tammy’s Two-on-One

Natasha is looking forward to the cocktail party and less drama, but a date card just came in. Mykenna and Tammy: it’s on!!!! Well, this is getting emotional, and I just want to see round 2 of the pillow fight. One must go, two may go. Their mark will stay though. The drama has affected the whole house. My house is unaffected though. I’m sipping wine on my West Elm couch. By the way guys, if you want to see a real entertaining night, join me in Vegas on February 14-15 to see me host and dance with Chippendales! It’s happening!

Peter Weber and Victoria Fuller Relationship Bachelor

Back to the show! I believe that Mykenna will be left standing and Tammy will be walked out. Mykenna is telling her truth, not sure if that’s the truth, but I’ll take it. Mykenna will be throwing a stuffed bear into the ocean in no time. Tammy is being walked out, Mykenna will stay, but she is way behind, relationship-wise. See ya, Tammy. Buh-Bye. Down to eight girls. What hashtag is Mykenna trying to make happen? I need answers. Tammy is just talking poorly about the entire experience on her way out and no one wants to hear it.

The Cocktail Party

Natasha is the first lady to get time with Peter at the cocktail party, and she’s getting what she wanted! You go girl! Manifestation is a thing. She’s asking great questions and Pete is receptive. Good stuff. Hannah Ann seems to really be positive and encouraging to the other girls.

Who will Pete send home this rose ceremony?! Will our hearts be able to take it? Will Mykenna be sent home even after defeating the house villain so courageously?! Who is the front runner? Seems like Madison as of now, but it’s constantly changing. It’s odd that there was no rose to give on the two-on-one, so it’s probably adios to Mykenna.

Kelsey still bothers me, but I’m tolerating it. One rose left. It goes to Kelley. Sydney and Mykenna are going to Paradise, I mean home, which will probably be L.A. soon enough. Lots of tears ahead, but looks promising. Not really, but, well, you get it. See y’all next week!

The Bachelor airs at 8 p.m. Monday nights on ABC. You can learn all about Pete here, get to know his gorgeous contestants here, and if you can’t wait till the end of the season, you can see all the spoilers here. Check back weekly for all of Jordan Kimball’s Bachelor guest blogs!