Michelle Rodriguez‘s world changed when her Fast & Furious costar Paul Walker died in a car accident in November 2013. But the actress confesses that her sadness over his sudden passing was in part fueled by jealousy.

In the controversial documentary, The Reality of Truth, the 37-year-old reveals her true feelings regarding his death didn’t come to light until she was under the influence of the psychedelic plant Ayahuasca.

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Michelle and Paul in 2009.

“I did everything I could possibly do to hide from myself and I’ll tell you that my Ayahuasca trip made me sad that he left me here,” she explains. “It wasn’t a sadness that he’s gone, it’s more like a jealousy that he’s there first.”

Michelle admits that the accident made her go a bit “crazy” in the months that followed. “I have to say, you know, when I lost Paul, I went through about a year of just being an animal,” she shares. “Like, what could I do, physically, to just get my mind off of existentialism?”

It looks like a trippy adventure with a plant did the trick.