It should have been one of the happiest moments of Nicole Kidman’s life. In 2003, the actress, 56, won her very first Academy Award for portraying Virginia Woolf in The Hours. Yet she had never felt lower. That same year, Nicole finalized her divorce from Tom Cruise.

“I was struggling with things in my personal life, yet my professional life was going so well,” she reveals in Dave Karger’s new book, 50 Oscar Nights: Iconic Stars & Filmmakers on Their Career-Defining Wins.

“That’s what happens, right?” Nicole tried to celebrate at the annual Vanity Fair afterparty — “I literally walked in, carried [my Oscar] around, was completely overwhelmed, emotional, shaking” — but eventually returned to her hotel.

“I sat on the floor of the hotel eating french fries and a burger with my family and went to bed,” she recalls. “That’s when it hit me. I went, ‘I need to find my love; I need a love in my life.’ Because this is supposed to be when you go, ‘This is ours.’”

Two years later, Nicole would meet her future husband, Keith Urban, and the couple went on to welcome two daughters, Sunday Rose, 15, and Faith, 12. “She’s super grateful to have found him,” a source exclusively tells Life & Style. “Nicole wanted to share her life with someone, and Keith makes her feel loved every day.”