Katy Perry Was Suspended In 6th Grade For Pretending A Tree Was Tom Cruise… And Humping It

*Pauses to stifle hysterical laughter.* On Jan. 14, Katy Perry took to her Instagram Stories to reveal that she was quite the, er, rambunctious middle schooler. The singer, 34, posted a suspension report that she received in sixth grade for, get this, pretending a tree was A-list actor Tom Cruise and humping it.

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“At the 2:00 p.m. recess, Katy and four other students were in an ‘off-limits’ area (behind the backboards) practicing a skit. Katy pretended that a tree was Tom Cruise and began making sexual motions (pelvic thrusts) to the tree,” the letter began. OK, pause. Can you just imagine how Katy’s mother reacted to that opening line?

“When Katy met with Mrs. Calkins, Mr. White, and myself, she was asked to describe or demonstrate what she had been seen doing on the playground in front of some other students. Katy chose to describe it. Her words were ‘it was inappropriate’ and ‘like making out,’” the letter continued.

Alright, we understand that Katy was *technically* in the wrong, but for real? Why on Earth was she asked to “demonstrate” her actions in front of the class? Did they really think that it was a good idea to have young Katy reenact her pelvic thrusts? Anyway, the report went on to reveal that the Tom Cruise/tree incident was hardly the first time Katy made waves at Santa Barbara Christian School. 

Turns out, she had also gotten in trouble for calling a group of third graders “brats” (they probably deserved it), as well as playing Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare. For some reason, none of those offenses seem as alarming as humping a tree, but we digress. At the end of the day, we’re pretty sure that all sixth graders are weird AF. Thankfully, Katy grew out of it… sort of. P.S. We wonder how Tom Cruise feels about this story.