I thought I was dying when news broke that Kylie Jenner, the youngest Kardashian at freshly 20 years old, was pregnant. Partially because I was wildly hungover and running on two hours of sleep, and partially because news leaked at approximately 5:10 p.m. on a Friday, the end of a nonstop work week. The office was thrown into a panic, friends of all walks of life were flooding my inbox with "Kylie Jenner, tho," and meanwhile, I just wanted to go the hell home and have her confirm this dumb pregnancy and move on with my life.
That was four months ago. I haven't slept since.
Deep into what would be her last trimester, Kylie herself has been in hiding, taking a very timely sabbatical from the spotlight. Her baby with Travis Scott may as well not exist…like, literally, it might not exist. But in my gut I feel two things: 1). She is def pregnant, and in true Kardashian fashion, capitalizing on keeping it a "secret," and 2.) I'm pretty sure I hate Kylie now. And if you're not already on board with that hatred, let's just recap the agony she's been putting us through for the past three or four months.
The conspiracy theories roll in and the nightmare begins.
At first this was kind of like a fun game, right? A mystery that we tried to unravel when scrolling back on Kylie's recent Instas. Like when it was announced we all giggled about how maybe Kylie was Kim's surrogate. Or maybe it Tyga was secretly the baby daddy! The scandal! And then when it got out that Khloé was expecting with boyfriend Tristan Thompson, we theorized that there was a whole Kardashian pregnancy pact!
Oh yes, conspiracy theories were a blast to write about…the first time around. Yet as Kylie stayed mum they became increasingly more incredulous. Like, maybe Kylie was abducted and artificially inseminated by intergalactic life forms. Maybe she's going to raise her alien baby in a remote shack in Switzerland. Idek anymore.
And the other thing about conspiracy theories? They lack the pure satisfaction of being verified. Around the one month mark, the whimsical narratives surrounding this potential pregnancy grew boring, and I was praying for a proper announcement. But hey, why would that happen?
"Is this when Kylie announce her pregnancy?"
There are, to date, at least a few substantial pregnancy announcement fake-outs that have driven me up a f–king wall. Information leaking at the end of September seemed perfectly strategic. After all, the Kardashian 10th Anniversary Special was debuting 48 hours later. Sounds like a baller way to announce your boyfriend of five minutes knocked you up, right? Wrong.
Then there was the Kardashian's 25 Days of Christmas, in which the famous family seemingly starred in a Gap commercial for a literal month. We all collected these images from Kim's Instagram like Pokemon cards, hoping that on day 25 we'd be rewarded with a glowing Kylie boasting her baby bump. Nope. Every day was rife with disappointment that Kylie didn't seize a primo opportunity to announce she was having a baby (ahem, Kris' Christmas Eve party, anyone?). Every day the saga continued like there was a possibility we were all just inventing this pregnancy. It pains me.
And that would be fine if they were private about it, but the teasing is a real salt-in-the-wound move.
Right before TMZ and People broke the news, Kylie posted a creepy AF fanart where she's cradling a baby Ky. So cryptic, so obnoxious, so utterly chilling if you look at it so long. Then there was that weird Snapchat when Kylie was all, "Nothing's going to hurt you baby." Oh my God, is the baby in trouble?! Has Kylie confirmed her pregnancy? Is…no, no wait, those are just song lyrics.
Do you remember when Khloé and Kylie had the audacity to joke about how they had "so many babies" when debuting the new Koko Kollection? How dare you. It feels like we're being openly mocked for wanting to know the truth. That, or we're playing ourselves for being so invested and looking into innocuous things. Either way, I don't like it, and it's really part of a bigger frustration.
The truth is, I don't organically care about Kylie's pregnancy. The problem is that they're manipulating us and I know it.
If you even got to this part you're probably scoffing about the fact that I "don't care" or telling me that I should just focus my energies on "things that matter." That's cute, Sharon, but it's my literal job to follow this story. So by default, it's all I'll be able to think about until it's for-real confirmed. But even if you're not forced to follow Kylie's pregnancy, it's still a shady and calculating situation on the KarJenner's part.
The real secret isn't the pregnancy itself. It's the fact that there's nothing inherently interesting about babies. They're adorable, don't get me wrong, but tbh this is like the seventh or eighth Kardashian kid. In any other family a seventh baby would be a snooze-worthy development. Like, is this baby going to cure cancer? Probably not. It's just going to be born in a really primo, fame-by-default situation. You know, like a Kardashian.
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But in keeping the mystery going the Kardashians are baiting us along, torturing us into a hysteria. It makes us doubt, it makes us cry, it makes us buy into the dynasty just a little bit more. That's what I think about when I stare up at the Calvin Klein billboard near my office, with Kylie swaddling her what may-or-may-not be her bump. They did it. They win. They've got us hooked for one more day. And I can't help but whisper into the wind, "Literally, you're being so f–king rude right now."