Team Chicken or Team Model? We’re neither, TBH. The Bachelorette Season 14 Episode 5 aired last night and it was filled with smelly animals, gross make out sessions, and lots and lots of drama. But who’s surprised? Not us! As Chris Harrison would say, IT WAS THE MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE EVER. If you missed the two glorious hours — or fell asleep in the middle of it lol — then this Bachelorette recap is for you. Watch the video above to see our reactions to the last episode, and then scroll down for our full recap of The Bachelorette Episode 5. Spoilers ahead!

The Bachelorette Recap Episode 5: Just give the rose to Wayne Newton.

This week’s episode actually wasn’t a snoozefest for once, so it gets a B+ in our books! Becca went on a one-on-one date with Colton, even though he basically already told her he’s in love with Tia. The two were in Vegas, and if there’s anything you should do while you’re in Vegas, it’s ride animals and write sad poetry. Becca and Colton had their version of “hump” day — even though Colton’s a virgin, so not much humping was going on, if you know what we’re saying. They rode around and then found a private hot tub conveniently located in the middle of the desert. Colton said a total of about three words, but Becca left the date in love with him (and by him, we mean his biceps).

Next up, Becca took her boys on a group date to hang out with Wayne Newton. Every single one of the guys was like, “OMG, it’s Wayne!” when in reality, probably eight of them had no idea who he was. Wayne teamed up with Becca to help the boys come up with songwriting lyrics for his hit song, “Danke Schoen.” Chris was on the date as well, which means this was his second time writing songs for Becca on this season, LOL. The guys had to perform their god awful songs in front of a live Vegas audience and it was horrendous. Chris apparently stole the show, and that’s saying something.

During the afterparty, Blake told Becca he was falling in love with her, and when they kissed, Becca had the creepiest moan we’ve ever heard. GIRL, WTF? Blake took home the rose, everyone went to bed, and literally no one gambled. Not even once. Vegas is lit, right?

After that, Becca had a two-on-one date with — surprise, surprise! — Jordan and David. Both men just screamed and cried the entire time, and Becca clearly hated every moment. She sent home David first so she could get to know Jordan better, but during their one-on-one, all he did was talk about himself, so she sent him home too.

At the end of the night, Chris stirred up some drama when he complained that he wasn’t getting enough time. The two went back and forth, but he still went to bed with a rose. Unfortunately, John wasn’t so lucky. He was the only contestant who went home. Bye, bye, John!

Can’t wait until the finale? Check out our Bachelorette spoilers to find out who gets a hometown date and who Becca picks as the winner! Also, be sure to join our Bachelor Facebook group to chat about all the latest updates, exclusive interviews, and juicy gossip!

The Bachelorette Recap Episode 4: Jean Blanc, WTF?

This week’s episode picked up right where we left off. ICYMI, Becca never made it to the rose ceremony, so she started things off by resuming her conversations with all the guys. The first chat she had was with Blake, and the two sat in the dark and talked about having children. (???) After that Becca, gifted Jordan a disgusting pair of golden booty shorts, and he proceeded to prance around the house in them, call himself “Captain Underpants,” and show off his hairy thighs.

Jordan pulled a Jordan, per usual, and got upset when David returned to the house. Last week, Chicken boy fell off his bunk bed and had to go to the ICU to get fixed up. He came back with a broken nose, bruised face, and a rose from Becca. Obviously, Jordan was pissed. “Guys think I’m the best-looking guy in the house,” the pensive gentleman said. He then compared David’s messed up face to a Picasso painting, so that was… nice.

At the rose ceremony, we said goodbye to Mike (the guy who looks like The Beast from Beauty and the Beast after he transforms) and Ryan. Who is Ryan? It’s still unclear.

After we got that out of the way, Becca and the boys went to Park City, Utah. She went on a one-on-one date with Garrett, and the two went bobsledding and then awkwardly grinded in front of a bunch of 15 year olds. It was weird, but also hot, lol.

Later on, we learned Lincoln thinks the world is flat, but does think it could change in the future. A+ for optimism. F for everything else.

Next up? A lumberjack group date. The guys had to cut a bunch of wood and do MANLY THINGS!! John won the golden lumberjack trophy or some sh-t, and no one was impressed. Things got weird AF during the episode when Jean Blanc creeped out Becca. He tried to whisper into her ear and then kissed her, and it was the most cringeworthy thing we’ve ever seen. He gifted Becca some perfume and told her that he was falling for her, but then she was like, “ehh, not really feeling this, bro.” On the way out, Jean admitted that he didn’t mean what he said, and Becca proceeded to cry the entire rest of the night about it. Bye, Jean, smell ya later.

After Jean Blanc’s embarrassing exit, Becca went on a one-on-one date with Wills and it was the only pure moment of the episode. The two played in the snow, held hands, and it was magical. Wills also admitted that he fears “not being enough,” and our hearts couldn’t handle it.

At the end of the night, Becca said goodbye to Christon and Nick. Nick wore a tracksuit to the first rose ceremony, so TBH, he had it coming.

The Bachelorette recap Episode 3: Jason Who?

To kick things off, Becca took her men to the spa for the first group date. She called in some familiar faces (aka literally everyone from Arie’s season except Lauren B.) and things got awkward REAL fast. Colton — who admitted he used to have a thing with Tia — was reunited with his ex and all eyes were on them. Becca even took Tia aside to ask about their ~relationship status~ but Tia made it clear that whatever happened between them is in the past. (Can you say, “See you guys on Bachelor in Paradise!!” anyone?)

After Becca and Tia had girl time, and the rest of the men gave massages and painted their nails, Becca talked to Colton to see if he really was there for the right reasons. She ended up giving him the group date rose, and literally no one was surprised.

Shortly after, Chicken David decided to stir up some drama with Jordan and call him out for having 4,000 Tinder matches. Yes, 4,000! David apparently thought it would be a good idea to tell Becca, so he used their 30 seconds of quality one-on-one time to talk about Jordan. How romantic! This obviously pissed Jordan off, so the two went back and forth calling each other names.

If there’s anything we know, it’s that snitches get stitches — and in this case, literally. David ended up falling off his bunk bed that night and smashing his face into the ground. There was blood everywhere, and he had to go to the hospital to get fixed up. The next morning, Becca called him on Chris Harrison’s phone to check in, so we know he’s gonna be OK.

Next up? Contestant Chris’ horrific one-on-one date. Becca took her man to Capitol Records to write a love song with him and Richard Marx. Chris entered the building, saw Marx, and was like, “OMG! I know who you are!” But he 100 percent had no idea. Eddie from Friends — we mean, Chris — spent the remainder of the date hiding in the hallway, writing sad poetry. He got a rose and a kiss from Becca, but like, we’re still not sure why.

After Becca’s second one-on-one, she went on another group date — and this time she took her men to play football! Clay, who happens to be a NFL player, actually broke his wrist playing ‘ball with the boys… so that’s only a TEENSY bit embarrassing. Becca gave him the group date rose, because, you know, he hurt himself, but then Clay actually decided it was best for him to leave the show entirely to fix his hand.

The episode ended with a sad montage of Becca looking into the abyss, thinking about her Clay-less future. We didn’t get to the rose ceremony, so no one went home.

The Bachelorette recap Episode 2: WTF is Ingenuinity?

Let’s start at the beginning: the first group date. Clay, Nick, David, Jean Blanc, Chris, Lincoln, Connor, and Jordan all got picked to participate in a gross obstacle course, hosted by Rachel Lindsay and Bryan Abasolo. Bryan was the hottest one there, by far, which sucks for Becca because well…he’s taken.

The boys were first pampered the way Arie Luyendyk Jr. pampered Becca on their first date. (GAG! Don’t even get us started on how many times Becca mentioned Arie’s name.) The guys had to change into tuxedos, and Becca was overwhelmed by how many naked men were in the room. Jordan seemed to feel right at home.

After they were all dressed, Becca took them to a muddy ranch where they had to compete in a wedding-themed obstacle course. Lincoln won — BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE CHEATED — and got a precious souvenir that he cherished more than his life: a framed photo of him and Becca. When the boys went back to the mansion, Lincoln put the pic on display so everyone could see what a cute couple they were. Connor was NOT having it. He wanted that sh-t out of his face, so he picked it up and threw it in the pool. Not only was this a safety hazard (glass by the pool? Absolute no-no!) but Connor broke Lincoln’s heart. “Watching that be broken, broke my heart,” a sobbing Lincoln said. It’s probably the first pic he ever took with a woman, so we understand why it meant so much.

The next highlight of the night? Blake’s one on one date. Becca and Blake went to a warehouse filled with objects and memories connected to — YOU GUESSED IT — our boy Arie. The two were given sledgehammers from Chris Harrison, and got to smash a bunch of random things like a race car, TV screens playing Arie’s proposal, the grey couch that he broke up with Becca on, you name it. Lil Jon was there too, because obviously he wouldn’t miss this moment for the world. Blake — aka Miles Teller’s long lost cousin — ended up getting a kiss and a rose after their date.

After Blake’s date, and the only pure moment from the episode, Garrett, Colton, Wills, Leo, Trent, John, Ryan, Alex, Rickey (who?), and Christon went on a group date. Becca took them to play dodgeball with a group of demon children who pelted balls at their heads, and it was terrifying. Leo was by far the MVP, but Wills ended up getting the group rose in the end.

Next up? Colton admitted to Becca that he used to date Tia from The Bachelor. Listen, Bachelor Nation, there’s only two things we know about Colton so far: One, he’s a virgin. Two, he used to date Tia. Things are going well so far, Colt!

Apparently, Colton and Tia had a thing, and Becca was not OK with it. She told Colton she needed time to process whatever TF he just told her, and it was awkward AF.

The last highlight of the evening was, of course, Jordan getting naked. PART TWO. During the cocktail party, Jordan decided to strip down to his undies and prance around the mansion like a dainty forest creature. “Nothing attracts a woman more than being comfortable next to a sexy man,” he told the cameras, and in that moment, 100 baby birds fell from their nests and died. Oh, he also made up the word “ingenuinity.” Not only is he a model, but a scholar, too!

At the end of the night, Becca said goodbye to Rickey, Alex, and Trent. We will miss you all so much. Please send us Fit Tea coupons.

The Bachelorette recap Episode 1: It’s called fashion, Jordan. Look it up.

The Bachelorette opened with a sad montage of Becca hugging her mom and reflecting on her younger years before Arie Luyendyk Jr. ruined her life. After reminding viewers that Arie’s face looks like a pile of cow dung, Becca said she was ready to “do the damn thing” for the 5,000 time.

She headed back to the Bachelor mansion and met with former Bachelorette’s JoJo Fletcher, Rachel Lindsay, and Kaitlyn Bristowe to get some advice. The ladies showed off their rings and told Becca that they each ended up engaged to the person they gave their first impression rose to, SO LIKE, NO PRESSURE, KUFRIN. Rachel then saged the house — and Becca’s vajayjay — to get rid of any toxic Arie remnants. The entire time Kaitlyn was like, “WTF is sage?” and honestly, now she’s our kindred spirit.

Becca then went home, changed into her evening gown, and came back to the mansion to meet her men. Among the fan-favorites were two NFL football players Clay and Colton, Jean Blanc the cologne sniffer, and Blake, who arrived on an ox. David came in a chicken suit and it was either a hit or miss for fans — people loved his sense of humor, but thought it was a little egg-sessive. As for the lowlights? JORDAN, THE MALE MODEL. He literally described himself as a “pensive gentleman” and said Becca looks like a “tall glass of champagne.” BRB, we gotta go home right now.

After the limo arrivals, Becca said she was really “hopeful” to meet the men. Becca was feeling Garrett, who arrived to the limo in a minivan with diapers and later took her fishing in the mansion pool. Wouldn’t be our ideal first date, but apparently Becca thought he was a catch. GET IT? She gave her fisherman daddy the first impression rose, and left everyone else with anxiety and low self-esteem.

becca and garrett bachelorette

There ended up being some drama on night one (SURPRISE, SURPRISE) when Chris accused Chase of being there for the wrong reasons. Apparently Chase’s ex Danielle didn’t speak highly of him after they broke things off, but Chase was pretty much like, “LOL WTF! We dated like, two years ago.” To get things sorted out, Chase, Becca, and Chris sat in a room for 30 seconds and it was the most awkward two-on-one/threesome we’ve ever witnessed. In the end, Becca sent Chase home so he could reunite with his long lost lover Danielle, probably.

Chase wasn’t the only suitor to have a bad night. New Jake from Minneapolis was sent home halfway through the first episode. New Jake apparently crossed paths with Becca a few times, but claimed he doesn’t remember any of their interactions. Classic Jake. Becca remembered meeting him at the Christmas party and was suspicious of his motives. Old Jake was like “No, Becca, it’s me! New Jake,” and she was like, “ehhh, I’m OK.” In addition to Jake and Chase, Becca sent home Christian, Darius, Grant (who?), Joe, and Kamil.

At the end of the episode, we saw a preview for the rest of the season and it looks like a lot of crazy sh-t goes down. Who will end up in the hospital? WTF did Lincoln do? And will Joe the grocery store owner ever get the justice he deserves? Tune in next week to find out.