After what felt like a very long wait, Season 22 of The Bachelor finally premiered on Jan. 1 — and it was jam-packed with awesomeness! To help us sort through each episode's most interesting (and dramatic) moments, we've enlisted Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise, and Bachelor Pad alum Chris Bukowski to write a recap and help us stay up to speed on who went home each week. After all, he did compete alongside new suitor Arie Luyendyk Jr. for Emily Maynard's heart back in 2012, which gives him some serious insider knowledge. Read below for his thoughts on the latest episode!

Episode 10 (Mar. 5)

We made it to the Season finale, folks. We survived one of the most boring seasons ever, and we are being rewarded by the Bachelor gods with the episode we all deserve. For once in Bachelor history, claiming this episode is one of the most dramatic of all time is actually correct.

At the start, Lauren met with Arie’s family and was still relatively shut off. We weren’t shown too much of their time together, but I was shocked to find out that Arie’s family absolutely loved her. I know if I brought Lauren home, my family would have been bored out of their mind and giving me the side eye all night during our extremely silent dinner.

Arie’s family was rather conflicted after meeting with Becca because they seemed to take to her as well. Becca was much more welcoming with his family, more communicative and warm. I’m not quite sure what people are seeing in Lauren that we aren’t seeing at home. Sure, the girl is stunning, but looks drop when there isn’t much going on upstairs.

At one point, Arie Sr. told Becca he would be happy with either her or Lauren. Becca was fairly upset offscreen at the comment, which I can totally understand. Becca understands how different she is from Lauren, so for Arie’s family to kind of say they were interchangeable is kind of a slap in the face. As Becca said, it’s like comparing an apple to a starfish.

After the meetings with the family were over, the general consensus from the Luyendyks was that Becca was the better choice for Arie. However, as we the audience have seen the whole season, Arie really truly only has eyes of Lauren.

Shortly after, we cut back to Chris Harrison in the studio where he had Caroline in the hot seat. Chris mentioned Caroline’s speech during The Women Tell All, where she basically told Arie he was a scumbag for doing “what he did.” It looks like Caroline still feels the same way about Arie for his controversial decision that we will get to shortly.

Back in Peru, Lauren got the first date. Arie let her know they would be going to Machu Picchu. Lauren acted fairly excited, like she actually knew what Machu Picchu was. If either one of them could tell me the mountain range they were in or which empire is responsible for its building, I’d give up my life savings.

Lauren finally completely opened up to Arie during the evening portion of their date; it was the hail mary of all hail marys. She even said in her interview, she didn’t think Arie would let her open up if he was going to pick Becca. Well Lauren, Arie doesn’t control what comes out of your mouth or the timing of your “opening up,” so you might be in for a rude awakening.

Back in the studio, Chris was talking to Bekah M. and Seinne. Clearly everyone knows the spoilers, because both women hinted at what Arie had done without saying it. Bekah M. felt it was possible for a man to fall in love with two women, but if he was so conflicted, he should not have proposed to anyone. In case you’re still not catching on, Arie proposes to someone, and dumps her shortly after for the other.

During Becca’s date, the two seemed to have a really good time walking through the streets of Peru and sipping on frozen cocktails overlooking the Andes (that's the mountain range BTW, Lauren).

One thing that was very interesting about this episode, was that Becca seemed to talk about Lauren a lot in her interviews, or at least that's what we were shown. Clearly, Becca does not think Lauren is right for Arie. It seems like she knows exactly what Bachelor Nation knows, Lauren has zero personality. Lauren never even mentioned Becca in any of her interviews, but I fell asleep during most of those so I could be wrong.

After both dates were over, Arie was still clearly conflicted over who was meant to be his wife. This might be the most torn a Bachelor has ever been, making his decision to propose pretty disturbing. If you can’t decide who you love more, how can you decide who is going to be your wife?

Jason Mesnick and Ben Higgins joined Chris back at the studio, because they both had been extremely conflicted over their two remaining women in their respected seasons. Jason might have a little more in common with Arie than Ben, but for some reason I don’t see Arie coming out as likeable as Jason eventually did.

Before we knew it, Neil Lane finally made his appearance and it was time for our final rose ceremony. It seemed like he eventually made up his mind, claiming the woman he would not be choosing wasn’t going to see her elimination coming.

The first woman out of the SUV was Lauren. According to Lauren, she had no doubts and felt like she was going to be getting a proposal from Arie. The girl who never said five words this entire season had the balls to say she had a connection with Arie that most people will never have in their lifetime. And Lauren, that is where you lost us. It’s upsetting that you believe that, and kind of a slap in the face to real love.

After telling Arie how much she loved him this entire season, she was eventually let down. Arie let her know he couldn’t go through with the engagement, and then said he couldn’t explain it. It still somehow managed to be one of the series' most boring breakups, but what else could we really expect? There were no answers given, no closure. Just a “nah, I’m good… let me walk you out.”

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Even after dumping Lauren, they still exchanged “I love yous” which is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever witnessed. You’re about to propose to someone else, and you’re telling another woman you love her? At least I never did that…

Becca arrived shortly after and walked past several grazing alpacas on her way to Arie. I had no idea they were inviting some of the eliminated women back for the proposal… After declaring her undying love for Arie, he seemed to spit it straight back at her. But let’s not forget he just told another woman he loved her about 15 minutes ago. He eventually got down on one knee and told Lauren he was going to choose her every day for the rest of his life. Hah okay, buddy.

It was hard to enjoy the proposal since we all knew what was coming. In a very poetic way, Becca’s rose snapped in half after Arie picked her up and swung her around. I couldn’t have been the only one who appreciated that. After the engagement, we were treated to home videos of Becca and Arie together, looking to be very happy. But after those videos faded, Arie admitted to still having feelings for Lauren in an interview and that he thought about her every day.

He officially told cameras he wanted to call off the engagement and break up with Becca. Like a true gentleman, Arie told Chris Harrison about the breakup before he even gave Becca a hint that he would be leaving her. Becca seemed clueless that production was back on and she was being followed by cameras again, and knowing that this girl was about to get her heart ripped out was tough even for me. Keep in mind, this was several weeks after their engagement…

Eventually, it was breakup time. We were given the viewpoint of two cameras so we could see Arie and Becca’s face throughout the entire conversation. He let Becca know he still thinks about Lauren and felt he made the wrong decision. She asked him straight up if he wanted to be with Lauren, to which he responded he would like to see if the opportunity was still there.

Becca responded as we all would, “Are you f—ing kidding me?”

We were then clued in that Arie had spoken to Lauren at one point in time after filming, and Becca knew about it. It did seem like Becca maybe felt nervous about Lauren even after their engagement, but was still sticking with Arie. Arie apparently also admitted he still had feelings for Lauren to Becca after filming wrapped. Becca eventually took her ring off in the middle of their conversation, and I was hoping she was going to toss it over the balcony, but you can’t do that to Neil. She seemed to keep a cool head during their conversation, but it was just the calm before the storm.

Becca left Arie on the couch and went into another room to get her bags and pack up. Arie followed her in and told her she could stay and that he was going to leave to which she said he couldn’t expect a hug. Arie then asked if she needed a few minutes or if she wanted him to go, and she told him to leave.

Then the rough part came, we had to listen to Becca cry in the bathroom. This poor girl didn’t need to be filmed during this, and the fact that she had to hide in the bathroom was disgusting. Arie just stood outside the house trying to look pensive, and I gotta say it didn’t even seem like he was upset over any of this.

Despite telling him to leave, Arie decided to come back in the house. He knocked on her bathroom door and asked her if she was OK. ARE YOU SERIOUS BRO? Yea, she’s doing just fine being filmed crying after her engagement was just shattered on television you jackass. After telling him to leave again, he just stayed and sat down on a couch.

For some reason, Arie wanted to continue talking. I’m not quite sure what else there was left to say. We get it, you want Lauren. The breakup scene lasted entirely too long and was full of mostly silence. It was basically a half hour of Becca telling Arie to leave, him saying he would, and then he never actually left. I can only imagine the things being screamed at televisions across the country as he stationed his happy ass right next to her.

After the breakup scene was over, Becca joined Chris live in the studio where it was still mostly silence.

Episode 9 (Feb. 26)

We did it, guys. We made it to the final three. It’s time for fantasy suites and excessive crying!

Kendall, Lauren, and Becca traveled to Peru for the biggest week of the season. Kendall got the first date, and after the way things went at the last rose ceremony, things weren’t looking so great for the couple.

Kendall and Arie went on a dune buggy in the Peruvian desert, which ended up getting stuck on the crest of a dune. I don’t know about you guys, but it seemed a little metaphorical to me.

They had a picnic after their dune buggy mishap, and Kendall admitted to the camera in her interview that if Arie asked her to marry him today, she would say no. To me, it’s a totally reasonable thing to say, but in Bachelor Nation it’s unacceptable. I’m not quite sure why a woman who doesn’t feel like she can get engaged quickly would go on a show like this, but taxidermists are weird.

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a ken doll and a kendall

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At dinner, Kendall admitted that she was falling in love with Arie, and he responded back with the same sentiment, without saying the actual word. To me, there is a huge difference between falling for someone and falling in love with someone. Unfortunately, I don’t think these women understand the difference.

When it came time for the Fantasy Suite portion of the date, Kendall accepted. They had a pretty serious makeout session before falling on the bed and then, of course, we were kicked out of the room. I think we can all assume it was pretty mundane.

In the morning when they woke up, somehow Arie’s hair seemed grayer. If the episode is still saved on your DVR, do yourself a favor and rewind it. Taxidermists will age you; it’s no joke.

Date number two was with the woman of few words. Lauren’s lack of personality matched Arie’s short-sleeved button-down shirt. Run if someone is wearing a short-sleeved button-down shirt ladies, I’m telling you.

The two took a plane ride, where if you can believe it, not too many words are exchanged. Arie expressed his concern over her reserved nature to the camera, but he is so far in with her he will never let her go.

After landing, they went to lunch, and Lauren just spoke a bunch of nonsense. I think she’s so used to not speaking, that when she does, it makes absolutely no sense. She talked in circles about being in love with Arie and cherishing what they have, but then contradicted it all by saying she wasn’t sure about what they had and needed to feel like the only one. See, I’m not making any sense, so that should give you a hint of what she was spewing. She ended up even saying she could give up and walk away from it all.

At dinner, Arie told Lauren that he loved her and didn’t want to lose her. The conversation was beyond dull and was the same old-same old with them. She accepted the Fantasy Suite invitation, which was a little surprising since she’s closed off. I’m getting the feeling Lauren is a huge talker in bed. Not quite sure if it’s the bad or good kind of talking yet.

When they parted in the morning, they exchanged “I love yous,” which he definitely did not do when he left Kendall.

Becca had the last date, and I have to say it was a little nauseating. Becca is the kind of girl who is always “on.” I just feel like she’s trying too hard all the time.

They took a ride on a catamaran and played out the whole Titanic scene. I was praying for an iceberg. They discussed Becca moving to Scottsdale, and we got plenty of foreshadowing when she discussed doing long-distance with her ex-boyfriend. More on that later…

Becca admitted to Arie that she was in love with him, and he said it right back. Telling two women you love them always works out for the best on The Bachelor. How could it all go wrong? Becca accepted the fantasy suite, where all they did was repeat “I love you” back and forth to one another. We get it.

In the morning, we cut to the bottom half of a mystery man who had flown to Peru to “get his girl back.” Obviously, this guy was here for Becca because she had mentioned her ex the entire day before. He walked straight up to Arie’s hotel room door and introduced himself as “Becca’s ex.”

Becca’s ex goes by the name Ross, who believes Becca is his soulmate and the love of his life. Ross claimed he had found out a week ago that Becca was taping The Bachelor, so he flew to Peru to win her back. He kept letting Arie know how in love with Becca he was and that he would never give up on her.

Arie told Ross he and Becca had told each other they loved one another, but it didn’t seem like Ross would be taking no for an answer. Arie asked that Ross respect his relationship with Becca if she chose Arie, but that wasn’t working for homeboy either. He eventually left Arie and went to go find Becca, and when he did, it couldn’t have been more clear she was not expecting to see him.

She opened a door to find Ross, and the look on her face was just priceless. Becca was not happy to see her ex, and the guy was totally crushed that she was not feeling his grand gesture. I really can’t say if Ross is being genuine in his feelings for Becca, or if this was all some sort of ploy. He eventually told Becca he wanted to marry her, but the sentiment wasn’t really returned.

Becca was pissed when she found out Ross had already talked to Arie and slowly began shutting him down. Ross eventually took the hint she wouldn’t be coming back and walked away from Becca and kept calling himself a fool for coming to Peru. So I guess he would have been a hero if she took him back, but a fool if she didn’t. That’s not how it works Ross.

Eventually, Arie and Becca met up to speak about the whole situation. Arie was clearly affected by the Ross surprise more than Becca was and began to doubt his whole relationship with Becca. It seems he forgot that Lauren had some d-bag exes too, they just hadn’t traveled to Peru.

Soon it was time for the rose ceremony. Instead of handing out a rose, Arie once again pulled Kendall aside. He told Kendall he didn’t feel like they could ever really “get there.” She really didn’t seem too surprised, and no tears were spilled. They shared plenty of hugs as he sent her off in that black SUV. I’d be lying if I said I was surprised, so would everyone else.

This means Lauren and Becca are our final two, and trust me, you will not want to miss this finale. You’ve probably heard the rumors, and it’s going to be one of the biggest endings in Bachelor history.

See you guys next week when things finally get interesting.

Episode 8 (Feb. 19)

It’s hometown week. Which means we’re almost done with this… nonsense.

Kendall was up first, so, naturally, she immediately took Arie to some super weird taxidermy storage unit. An astute Arie noted that the animals looked “so real.” Well, they are real Arie. Really dead.

Kendall solidified her fourth place spot by having Arie stuff a dead rat and mount it. If that wasn’t weird enough, they dressed the rats in a tux and wedding dress and had them make out.

After they left the room of death, Arie admitted he was “falling” for Kendall. He left out the word “love” but of course Kendall assumed that’s what it meant. I’m not surprised she jumped to conclusion, because, she’s nuts.

Soon Arie went to Kendall’s parents house, and what do you know? There was a cheese plate on the kitchen island. Right off the bat, it was obvious Kendall’s father and sister were not buying any of this relationship and did not believe in the process. How did two intelligent people help craft the personality of a taxidermist?

Kendall’s sister (who is her identical twin) spoke alone with Arie first and told him that she could sense space between the two of them. If only she could see him with Lauren, then she would really understand what space was.

In order to woo her family, Arie just kept telling everyone individually that he was falling for her. Kendall’s dad flat out told Arie that he wasn’t able to give his blessing, but if he had to, he probably would. This guy gets it.

Arie and Kendall left off decent I guess, but with no personality on our Bachelor, it’s hard to get a feel for anything this season.

Tia was up next, and she obviously knew her man better than Kendall. She took Arie to a dirt race track where they aced in some badass cars. I’m sure at one point he was thinking “I wish I was stuffing a carcass right now.”

Tia’s parents look exactly like what you expect Tia’s parents would look like. If you watched the episode, you know exactly what I mean. Instead of a cheese plate, they had a tray of pigs in a blanket on their coffee table, and that’s the kind of family I need to marry in to.

Arie looked like a little bitch when sitting with Tia’s brother, who was an absolute beast. Big bro could bench press the kissing bandit with ease. And no Arie, a bench press is not a kind of coffee.

Papa Bear had the same sentiments about Arie as Tia’s brother did, but they ended up having a pretty breezy conversation. Arie asked for her father’s blessing, which he ended up receiving. It was definitely a much more positive and fulfilling experience than the time he had spent with Kendall’s family.

Becca (the adult… the toddler was sent home last week) had the next date, where Arie traveled to Minnesota so they could go apple picking together. After meeting her family, Becca’s uncle pulled Arie aside to speak with him. This guy was not a bulls–tter to say the least. Her uncle was tough, as he clearly felt overly protective of her since her father had passed away.

Most of Becca’s hometown was a snoozefest, likely because Arie was at the center of it all. Arie let Becca’s family know that he was falling for her, probably because his brain is a broken record and he keeps repeating the same line over and over.

“I’m falling for you” is officially the new “can I steal you?”

Save the most boring for last, as Lauren got the last hometown date. They went horseback riding on the beach, shared plenty of pauses, and had some noisy make outs.
Lauren’s family is exactly how you would expect them to be, fairly silent, and devoid of any personality. It’s no wonder this was one of the most awkward hometown’s of all time. Arie actually had to excuse himself because he was sweating so bad.

Facing a military family can’t be easy, but somehow Arie was able to connect with Lauren’s father over jets and flying. Once Lauren’s dad found out Arie had gone overseas to meet with the troops, it was pretty much a done deal. Her father ended up being extremely easy going, despite what editing had shown us. He was probably the most chill father of the bunch.

Later, Arie told Lauren’s mother that — get this! — he was falling for her. Her mother was a little more of a tough cookie, and didn’t seemed too interested in this whole process. Arie asked her for her blessing, and it was so obvious she was not willing to give it out. Of course, like every concerned mother, she defaulted to saying she trusted her daughter.

I can’t remember a season of The Bachelor or Bachelorette where the final four were so forgettable. It’s not the girl’s fault at all, it’s Arie's. Every year when we watch this monstrosity, normally there is someone in the final four who were are rooting for to become the next Bachelor or Bachelorette. That’s just not happening here.

It was finally time for the rose ceremony, and its unfortunate he couldn’t send them all home at once. There is no life-long love here, just a couple girls that got put on the wrong season of The Bachelor.

Arie needed to take a breather before handing out any roses. When he returned, he asked if Kendall if they could speak privately. They went outside and spoke, and he asked her if she felt like she was ready to be engaged. She couldn’t quite commit to the words, but wanted to continue on with him. It looked like Arie is just looking for an engagement, and I’m having deja vu from the last Bachelorette.

Maybe someone should look at getting Peter and Kendall together, because these two seem to understand how to build a relationship.

The two re-entered the room without us really knowing how things concluded, and the rose ceremony moved on.

The first rose went to Becca, followed by Lauren, then Kendall for the SHOCKER!

Unfortunately that meant we lost Tia, probably the most likeable girl from the entire season. She was so upset, it actually made me, of all people, feel something. It was clear she felt she was getting a rose. To make her feel better, Arie told her he didn’t have a reason to let her go. That’s real helpful slick, and will definitely help her sleep better at night. This is exactly how I felt after be sent home after hometowns, and I as well did not get a reason on why. A million thoughts go through your head and the worst part is going home and your family assuming some responsibility. One thing fourth place does guarantee you is… Paradise.

See you next week for back to back recaps of The Women Tell All and Fantasy Suites in Peru where no sex will be had. Just dry humping with clothes on, because it’s that kind of season.

Episode 7 (Feb. 12)

Let’s all take a moment to breath a sigh of release, as we can celebrate our first episode without Krystal.

There, now that that’s over…

We return to another boring episode of The Bachelor. I must admit, it wasn’t easy to switch over from the Olympics to this, but someone has to rip these people apart, and it might as well be me.

The ladies headed to Tuscany (still not over that Fort Lauderdale thing, by the way) to spend more time with one of the dullest Bachelor’s ever (sorry, Arie). I never thought people would be begging for Ben Higgins back, but here we are. Chris Harrison announced early in the episode that there would not be a rose ceremony this week. The episode consisted of three one-on-ones and one group date. The two women who did not receive a rose on the dates would be going, which means next week is hometowns.

The first date went to Becca K.. The two had a picnic and Arie seemed pretty lukewarm about their potential. They declared their “like” for one another by saying “I care about you.” The beginning of every true love story.

Back at the hotel, Jacqueline had a meltdown for camera time. She whined about not knowing if she and Arie would work out, how he would mesh with her family, and if she could truly fall in love with him. Jacqueline, what show did you think you were on?

During the later portion of their one-on-one, Becca K. and Arie discussed hometowns, and who Mr. Boring would be meeting if he chose to give her the rose. Becca eventually admitted she was falling for Arie, just like the show’s ratings this season. Arie gave her the rose, solidifying her place in the final four.

Over at the women’s halfpipe, Chloe Kim took gold. Wait, sorry…

Lauren got the second one-on-one, and the other women were upset and shocked that they weren’t chosen. There are six of you left, what were you ladies expecting?

Jacqueline headed to Arie’s room after his date with Becca K., likely because she knew she would be sent home and wanted to save face. She told him that she didn’t feel confident enough in their relationship to bring him home. She was nervous about winning the competition, moving to Scottsdale, and wondering how things happened so fast. Hey Jackie, that's the entire premise of this show. After a disgusting make out and crocodile tears, Jacqueline sent herself home.

I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking Jacqueline sending herself home was a bunch of bulls–t. I don’t know if it was a campaign for The Bachelorette, or a ploy for more screen time, but I’ve sure as hell never seen a girl cry hysterically over some guy she's not interested in. Nice try, weirdo.

The next day, Mr. Boring took Miss Boring on their date. It’s really unfortunate when someone as stunning as Lauren has zero personality. The two rode bikes together, then stopped for some gelato. They then walked the streets of Tuscany in complete silence. Hey Arie, just because she’s bangin’ doesn’t mean it’s going to work out. The duo had pizza after their gelato (totally normal) and proceeded to have an empty conversation. Things got really spontaneous when they crashed a children’s soccer game. It wasn’t scripted at all, you guys.

The two eventually toasted to “breaking down our walls,” which was interesting given that they never discuss anything important. Lauren actually spoke up during dinner, revealing that she was nervous about getting hurt again after her ex left her broken. She then told Arie she was falling in love with him, which made him get up and walk away from the table. More crocodile tears and dramatic music followed as we watched Arie look pensive among a few well-lit trees. All you had to say was you had to fart, homie. We’d understand. After returning, he gave her the rose. He admitted he was falling in love with her.

Seinne received the last one-one-one, leaving Bekah M., Kendall, and Tia for the group date. Seinne and Arie met up with a super Italian guy, who took them hunting for truffles with his dogs. A little random, but I appreciated a more realistic date. They met up with Mr. Italy’s family afterwards, and I could smell the marinara.

Later that night, they sat down to dinner, and Arie couldn’t give Seinne the rose. I don’t think anyone was surprised — these two never really had much of a chance. She clearly didn’t care for him that much, either. Seinne, I promise you getting eliminated is a win. We’ll see you in Paradise.

All the women acted completely shocked when Seinne’s suitcase was removed. Um, why? This is how the show works. Bekah M. eventually showed her excitement once she realized her odds of getting a rose had gone up.

On the group date, Tia, Kendall, and Bekah spent individual time with Arie. While Kendall was alone with him, Bekah admitted she would like to be home with her friends and family. I’ve got to say, that was pretty interesting seeing that her mother recently filed a missing persons report about her. Yeah, you must really love that family time, Bekah.

Tia let Arie know she didn’t think Bekah was right for this experience, and that she wasn’t on the same level as the rest of the women. Tia is absolutely right, and told Bekah what she had said afterwards. She of course cried, like most teenage girls do, and ran straight into Arie's arms.

Bekah admitted she felt like she had been kicked in the stomach by Tia. She kept telling Arie that she was there for him, and wouldn't have stuck around if she wasn’t. They then discussed hometowns, where her parents were mentioned. Bekah claimed she FaceTimed with them every day, and they weren’t too happy with her leaving to compete on the show. Something doesn't add up…

Kendall received the first rose, securing her spot No. 3. But instead of giving out the last rose during the date, Bekah and Tia had to attend a dinner with Arie to make things a little more awkward.

So, who went home on The Bachelor last night?

After two uneventful conversations, Arie gave the last rose to Tia. Every field trip has to end some time, Bekah. Just make sure to get your permission slip signed before Paradise, okay?

Three out of my final four from last week made it, shockingly. For now, I think Tia and Lauren will make up the final two. For a more exciting show, check out the premiere of The Bachelor Winter Games on Feb. 13 at 8 p.m. EST on ABC.

Episode 6 (Feb. 5)

Congratulations. You made it. You’ve survived six episodes of the most boring Bachelor season ever. For some reason, Arie decided to leave Ft. Lauderdale and take the gang to Paris. Chris Harrison let us know at the beginning of the episode that there would be two one-on-one dates, one group date, and one two-on-one date this week.

Lauren got the first one-on-one, and the most interesting part of their date was the commercial for The Bachelor: Winter Games. The duo took a boat down the Seine River, and then walked through a Parisian market, which was pretty much filled with silence. Arie appreciated all of the architecture and pointed out lots of interesting buildings, and all Lauren could muster was "Wow."

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WOW. 🌹

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Lauren is proving to have all the looks, and no personality. Later during the dinner portion of their date, Arie confessed to getting a girlfriend pregnant, who later miscarried, and Lauren basically stared straight through him. She eventually opened up and admitted she had been engaged before, and although the conversation appeared to have depth, it was about as shallow as a puddle in my driveway.

Arie ended up giving Lauren the rose because he’s attracted to her. He wanted her to open up so badly on this date and she didn’t, so he threw her a rose hoping she opens up on that future fantasy date. Bada bing.

Becca K., Bekah M., Chelsea, Jenna, Seinne, and Tia were selected for the group date, during which Arie took them to the Moulin Rouge. The ladies were forced to learn choreography, then get dressed up in elaborate showgirl costumes to perform for Arie. History was made on this group date when Bekah M. finally wore a bra with her costume. Someone write down the time and date.

Later on, Bekah M. was given the rose, and got to perform on stage with Arie during a live show at the Moulin Rouge. She actually killed the performance, which wasn’t a surprise since she has drama class during fourth period this semester.

Kendall and Krystal were chosen for the two-on-one, and I have never felt more sorry for anyone in my life than I did for Kendall. Arie took them to a hedge maze where they had to find him, and of course, the devil found him first.

If you can believe it, Krystal took fake to a new level on this date. She questioned Arie about his choice to bring Kendall on the date, and added her two cents in about the taxidermy enthusiast. According to Krystal, Kendall isn’t ready for love. According to me, Krystal isn’t ready for a second grade spelling bee.

Arie decided to tell Kendall about Krystal’s comments, which sparked an interesting conversation when the two women came together again. Kendall tried to connect with Krystal during their time together, and Krystal brought nothing to the table. I almost risked destroying my 65” TV just to let the frustration out.

Our leading man couldn’t make a decision between the two women for god knows what reason, and needed more time, so the women joined him for dinner, and spoke briefly before he got to the table. The two low-key argued, but I don’t think I could even explain what it was about. What I do know is that Krystal was wrong. She has this ability to put together lengthy sentences that have absolutely no meaning. Eventually, Kendall received the rose, and Arie sent that b—h packing. Bachelor fans all breathed a big sigh of relief.

Jacqueline got the second one-on-one date. Remember Jacqueline? Me either. Arie picked up whatshername in a red sports car, which broke down after the first 50 feet. They hailed a taxi and went shopping to buy her an outfit for the evening.

At dinner, Arie claimed he felt a deep connection to Jacqueline, which might have been the most confusing moment of the entire season. If he has a deep connection to Jacqueline, then I have a deep connection to that hot dog vendor I passed on the street eight years ago. After an extremely boring evening, Arie gave her the rose and nobody cared.

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Jacqueline and Arie.

Four women went into the rose ceremony safe, leaving Arie with just three roses to give out. They went to Tia, Seinne, and Becca K. This means Jenna and Chelsea were sent packing, which didn’t come as much of a surprise. See ya never, psychos.

Now that the group is dwindling, it makes predicting a final four easier. By Arie’s actions this episode, Tia, Lauren, Bekah M., and Becca K. are looking like solid prospects.

See you next week in Tuscany, if you guys can bare another two hours of this.

Episode 5 (Jan. 29)

We found out at the very beginning of the show that the ladies would be leaving Lake Tahoe and heading to Ft. Lauderdale, FL. Because if you’re given the option to travel anywhere in the world to fall in love, you pick Ft. Lauderdale. Tune in next week as the ladies head to Detroit, followed by the epic finale in Beirut. Way to step up your game, Luyendyk.

Chelsea (who’s a mom… I don’t know if you knew she was a mom, but she’s a mother, you guys…) got the first one-on-one with Arie. The two hopped aboard a yacht where Chelsea quipped that Arie was a dream boat, because, you know, mom jokes.

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We didn’t get to see a lot of the date's day portion (no complaints here), but the two did make out on a jet ski while a few of the ladies watched from the balcony. Chelsea and Arie then headed to a vintage car museum for dinner and had a mediocre conversation about her ex.

Speaking of polished and shiny things with rust on the inside, the remaining girls were given the group date card back at the hotel. Lauren B., Seinne, Maquel, Marikh, Kendall, Krystal, Bekah M., Becca K., Jacqueline, and Jenna were all included — leaving the second one-on-one for Raven 2.0 (aka Tia).

Back at the car museum, Chelsea was given the rose, and led into a room where another unknown singer played a private concert for the duo. I guess this is the best Ft. Lauderdale has to offer. Well, that and bowling alleys, which is where the group date took place.

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Maquel, Becca K., and Kendall.

The girls split up into two teams, and the winning ladies were told they'd get to hang with Arie while the others would have to head back to the hotel. At the end of the bowling challenge, Arie changed his mind and decided to have all the women come to the after party, which set Krystal off, to say the least. She was on the winning team and was PISSED when Arie decided to invite everyone.

According to the ladies, Krystal lost her mind on the bus ride back to the hotel, which wasn't filmed. Apparently, she blew a gasket, called Arie a liar, and claimed she couldn’t trust someone like him because he allowed both groups to come to the after party without consulting her. Yes, this actually happened.

Back at the hotel, Krystal stormed into the bathroom and decided she wasn't going to go on the evening portion of the date. She remained in her robe as the rest of the ladies got dressed, and her holier than thou attitude was felt by all.

The girls filled Arie in on Krystal’s temper tantrum, and he immediately left the group to go find her and see what was up. The two had a fairly awkward conversation during which she admitted to feeling disrespected. You could clearly see that Arie was not having it, and he told her that she shouldn't participate in the rest of the date. He left Krystal without a hug or a kiss and she continued to pout.

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Maquel, Krystal, and Jenna.

After she finished her homework, Bekah M. stole some time with Arie, and he continued to express concerns over her age without directly saying it. These kinds of things aren’t that important to Bekah, Arie. She's mostly worried about learning her time tables and perfecting her presidential flashcards.

Meanwhile, Krystal headed to the after party, like she was specifically instructed not to do. The women began questioning her motives, and the Montana native felt so “attacked” that she needed to leave again before Arie even knew that she had rejoined the party. Though it was glossed over, the group date rose went to Lauren B.

The next day, Arie took Raven 2.0 (who I should probably start referring to as Tia since she’s clearly a contender) on a date to the Everglades. Out of all the girls remaining, Tia was definitely the right choice for this date, as they rode through the water on an airboat and had an extremely laid-back day. They pulled up to a cabin in the middle of the Everglades where they were greeted by the Assistant Coach from The Waterboy, who treated them to fried frogs, catfish, and corn on the cob. Most of the women would have been horrified by this type of outing, but Tia was a champ.

She put it all out there, and was the first to let Arie know that she's falling in love with him when they went to dinner later that night. He immediately gave her the rose, and seemed happy with her declaration. If Tia isn’t Arie’s choice in the end, I’ll be pushing hard for her to be the next Bachelorette.

During the cocktail party, Krystal told all the women that she would talk to them one-on-one about how she was feeling, but did not want to address her behavior with the group as a whole. Kendall was the first to pull Krystal aside, where things got a little tense. Instead of listening to Kendall, Krystal just kept talking.

Bekah M. then had her alone time with the fitness coach (which I was really hoping would have started with a “Can I steal you?” while she was still chatting with Kendall). Bekah flat out asked Krystal why she was still on the show, and all the blonde could say was how hurt she felt by everyone. The 22-year-old walked away from the conversation after Krystal continued to only talk about her feelings and no one else's.

At some point during the madness, we cut to Arie’s time with Jacqueline. For those of you who don’t know who I’m talking about, Jacqueline is that girl at every rose ceremony whose name gets called and you go, “Who the hell is that? Has she been here the whole time?” Yup, that’s Jacqueline.

Later, Arie spent some one-on-one time with Krystal, during which she continued her downward spiral. Arie really seemed to doubt her and a potential future, but Krystal laughed it off and said they were just having their first fight. “It could be our last fight,” he clapped back very matter of factly, which is without a doubt the best thing he has said or done this entire season.

Three women were sent packing at the rose ceremony: Ashley, Maquel (who came back from her grandpa's funeral only to go home again), and Marikh. So yeah… HE KEPT KRYSTAL. I’m sticking with my final two picks from last week. Lauren B. and Tia are the only women giving me hope at this point.

Episode 4 (Jan. 22)

We found out at the beginning of the episode that the remaining 15 women were leaving LA to travel all over the world on this journey to find love — but first, a stop in Lake Tahoe. All the girls were super pumped up to find out about their first trip, even though none of them could point out the location on a map. Except for maybe Bekah M., since she just recently graduated high school.

The first solo date went to Seinne, who is way too well-rounded to be on this show. Someone needs to introduce her to Ben Higgins or something and just get it over with already. Arie took Sienne out on the lake to go parasailing, while the other contestants jealously watched from their deck with binoculars.

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Arie and Seinne.

There wasn’t a whole lot of chemistry between them — it was more of a question-and-answer-type date, and you could tell the conversation didn’t flow organically. However, they did share a super slow-mo kiss, which was pretty weird. He ended up giving her a rose during the dinner portion, and then took her to a concert with another band no one has ever heard of. I still think I had the best private concert on my season… Luke Bryan, anyone? The entire audience had their cell phones pointed at the pair, and people wonder how Reality Steve gets his spoilers!

Back at the cabin, we listened to a phone call between Maquel and her mother, who sadly revealed that her grandfather had died the day before. She packed up her stuff and left, though it remains unclear whether she plans to come back.

The next date card named Chelsea, Krystal, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Raven 2.0 (aka Tia), Kendall, Lauren B., Brittany, Caroline, and Becca K., which means Bekah M. was granted the second one-on-one date.

The adventurous outing started off with a survivalist couple passing out water bottles and asking the women to pee in them. Arie pretended to drink his own urine, which Jacqueline almost did in an effort to get attention. For a little extra fun, some of the ladies ate worms… which was totally beneath Krystal, if you can believe it.

The girls then split up into teams and were given a map, which Bekah M. drew for them back at the hotel with her crayons. It led to a hot tub, who woulda thought, and we were forced sit through a lengthy interview with Krystal, which I assume most of America put on mute. During the evening portion of the group date, the fitness coach continued to suck the life out of the room.

Arie of course made out with pretty much the whole group, and I don’t know if it’s just me, but those kissing scenes are becoming excruciating to watch. I’m having Josh Murray/Amanda Stanton Paradise flashbacks with all these noises.

Side note: Chelsea did a killer impression of Krystal, which you need to Google right now. The annoyingly high-pitched blonde complained about Raven 2.0 and Caroline being rude to her in the hot tub, and tried to make Arie believe that all of the other women were attacking her.

After pulling Raven 2.0 and Caroline aside to let them know that her feelings were hurt earlier in the day, Raven 2.0 basically laughed at her before walking away. The Arkansan ended up getting the group date rose, despite Krystal's attempts to undermine her (because that always works out).

In what felt like the fifth hour of the show, Bekah M. finally went on a one-on-one after her mom signed a permission slip. They rode some horses, swapped some spit, and lounged in a classic Bachelor barrel hot tub.

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Arie and Bekah.

At dinner, Bekah ended up telling Arie that she's only 22. You’d never know it, because she looks 23. He was a little taken aback by the 14-year age difference, which is unfortunate because Bekah is clearly more emotionally mature than Krystal, who happens to be 29. Also, interesting to note that Bekah was 16 when Arie was 30 and on The Bachelorette with Emily. Good times.

Arie kept telling her over and over, “I don’t think you’re ready [to settle down]," which was a load of crap. But despite his concerns, he gave her the rose anyway. This will not last, let’s be honest. She’ll have an amazing time in Paradise though.

We learned there would not be a cocktail party, and the women headed straight into the rose ceremony. As Arie grabbed the first rose, Krystal interrupted and asked to have a moment alone with him (I’ve done this a few times before). I wish I could tell you what she said, but the mumbling was just too incoherent.

Arie ended up keeping Krystal, and eliminating Caroline and Brittany. Brittany’s elimination was to be expected, but his decision to get rid of Caroline was a huge mistake in my opinion.

This episode really made me reevaluate my Top 4, mostly because of how Raven 2.0 held her own against Krystal and really stepped it up. I’m gonna keep it at a Top 2 for now, because I don’t feel like there are enough strong contenders at the moment. I still need to see more from some of the women in the background, like Becca K., Jenna, and Jacqueline.

With that being said, my current Top 2 are Raven 2.0 and Lauren B. Here's hoping the ringing in my ears from Krystal's voice won't stick around much longer. Until next week…

Episode 3 (Jan. 15)

Episode 3… here we go. We first see the ladies lying around and snuggling with each other on the couch like they’ve been best friends since childhood. A group date card was handed out with Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Raven 2.0 (aka Tia), Marikh, Bekah M., Bibiana, and Krystal's names on it. I’ve got to say, it was really shocking to see that Bibiana and Krystal were picked to go on the same group date.

The ladies were told they'd be competing in a wrestling match appropriately titled GLOB (Gorgeous Ladies of The Bachelor), playing off the hit ‘80s show GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling). Two original GLOW members came out to teach the girls how to fake wrestle, and let’s just say, things got awkward from here on out.

Raven 2.0 and Bibiana were not feeling this challenge, or the washed up coaches they were forced to deal with. One of the women made fun of Bibiana’s name, while the other pulled on Raven 2.0’s ponytail aggressively. Both girls walked out of the ring in tears over the way Blanche and Madge had treated them (not their actual names, but I'm probably not that far off).

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Arie and Tia.

Before the matches began, the girls got dressed up backstage, and once again, bras weren’t a part of their wardrobes. All the outfits were disgusting, and not the least bit funny or attractive. Some pathetic wrestling matches ensued, which looked more like the beginning of low budget pornos than episodes of GLOW. It was nice to see the ladies give the challenge 22%, but I think this date will be forgotten quickly.

As if the beginning part wasn’t trashy enough, Arie took them to a trailer park later that evening. Krystal stole Arie away first (SHOCKING), and is still highly annoying in case you were wondering. The two talked about nothing with substance before making out, and thankfully, Lauren B. came along to interrupt.

Bibiana got time with Arie next, and did what all smart Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants do: smack talk another person on the date. While they spoke, Krystal returned to the group with that nauseating voice of hers. She was received with nothing but eye rolls since no one is buying the bulls–t she's selling. The group date rose went to Bekah, which didn't come as much of a surprise given that she straddled Arie in a trailer and the two made out for approximately eleven billion hours.

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Bekah looking determined.

Lauren S. got the one-on-one date. Bravo to the producers for making it seem like she had a brain in the first two episodes, because this chick clearly has a screw loose. The date card read, “You had me at merlot,” and a very astute Lauren guessed that they were probably going to do something with wine. A+, sweetie. The two had a very compelling conversation and discussed sleep for most of the date at an unheard of Napa vineyard. For the evening portion, they of course had dinner in an oversized building. What is it with ABC and these grandeur locations?

Lauren talked about her ex, which all men love, and would not let Arie get a word in. The girl started chatting about an eye infection her mother had once, for crying out loud! Arie clearly wasn't digging it, and admitted that he couldn’t give her a rose. THANK GOD. Unfortunately, this means I must amend my final four. When Lauren’s suitcase was removed from the mansion, Krystal took the opportunity to lecture the rest of the women on just how serious this experience is. Caroline was clearly annoyed with her condescending tone, and walked out of the room like a champ.

The second group date was all about bitches — dogs, that is. Chelsea, Jenna, Caroline, Annaliese, Becca K., Ashley, and Brittany T. were lucky enough to get this outing over the GLOB nonsense.

For anyone who doesn’t remember, last week’s group date was traumatizing for Annaliese because of a bumper car incident she experienced as a child. If you can believe it, Annaliese also had a traumatic incident with a dog when she was younger, which made this date, during which she was forced to play with adorable pups, extremely difficult for her.

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Later in the day, the girls had to put on a show with the pooches for an audience of children. None of the dogs were cooperating, but I wouldn’t do anything these women were telling me either. Annaliese’s true colors came to light in this episode as she appeared desperate during the cocktail hour of the date. There was an extremely awkward moment with Annaliese and Arie when Chelsea asked if she could interrupt their convo and the man basically yelled, “YES PLEASE.” He was clearly miserable talking to her, and for good reason. The group date rose went to Chelsea, his rescuer from small talk hell.

During the cocktail party back at the mansion, Bibiana set up a date on the driveway, featuring a bed, a telescope, and lots of candles. Her plan didn’t pan out the way she wanted as Arie stumbled on the romantic setting with Lauren B., and they ended up making out on her spot. Bibiana walked up to interrupt her own date, essentially, and Arie asked her for five more minutes with Lauren. It was one of the most awkward moments I have ever seen on this franchise. For some reason, Arie kept bringing different women to the bed before Bibiana even got to claim the setup as her own. This girl just can’t catch a break.

But just when I thought things couldn’t get anymore uncomfortable, Arie denied Annaliese a kiss when she flat-out asked him for one. Amazing to watch, but horrible for her. Instead of telling her the truth, Arie said, “We’re just not there yet.” I wish he would've just admitted then and there that he didn’t like her. Now this woman is going to have another traumatizing experience to add to her list of ridiculousness.

Clearly, Annaliese couldn’t wait to get sent home during the rose ceremony, since she sought out Arie a second time to find out why he wouldn't kiss her. He admitted that he didn’t see a future between them, and walked her out before the rose ceremony.

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Annaliese keeping a safe distance from the terrifying dogs.

Bibiana was the only woman sent home later in the night. I was hoping for an epic moment where she told Arie about her romantic setup that he walked all over, but she stayed silent.

Two of my final four left the show tonight, so I’m having to include two women I really don't want to. I’m keeping Caroline and Lauren B., while angrily adding Krystal and Chelsea. I have never wanted to be so wrong in my life, but my gut tells me they make it far. Until next time, folks.

Episode 2 (Jan. 8)

Tonight, on the most dramatic Bachelor recap ever… Becca K. got the first one-on-one date with Arie, and if you can believe it, Chelsea was pissed. All the little elves came out of the mansion to watch Becca ride off on a motorcycle with their man, which was a little awkward. While Arie and Becca enjoyed the experience, we got a glimpse of Krystal’s personality back at the mansion. Apparently, everyone Krystal knows has lost limbs on motorcycles, and it wouldn’t have been a great fit for her because it’s just too dangerous.

Arie surprised Becca with celebrity stylist and designer Rachel Zoe, who has more personality than 75% of the women back at the mansion, and that’s saying something. My boy should have been given a fantasy suite after this date — I think he deserved it after gifting Becca with multiple designer dresses, Neil Lane jewelry, and Louboutin pumps. Props. I guess he had to settle for a couple of make-out sessions.

When Becca got back home, she was flooded with fake excitement from 20 women who wanted nothing more than to murder her with those spiky ass shoes. Plus, the date wasn’t over — she got to go out to dinner with our Bachelor, wearing a dress that complimented Arie’s hair. Becca opened up about her father passing away from brain cancer, and the two really seemed to have a good connection. Arie gave her the date rose in addition to another make-out session, which for some reason included a confetti cannon?

The girls were shocked, as was I, to learn that there would be another one-on-one date. Krystal received the honor this time around, and I was upset that I had to listen to her voice more than I was expecting to this episode. Arie pulled out all of the stops on these first few dates, taking Krystal on a private plane. I was stunned she climbed aboard, since planes can crash and stuff. Seriously traumatizing.

Arie took her to Scottsdale to see his hometown, and her voice became more nauseating as the minutes went by. After showing her the Pizza Hut he used to work at (yawn), his high school (yawn), and some willow trees (extra yawn), he took Krystal to his house. The place looked like it was totally empty a day before, and that a stager from the Fairfield Inn came by to fill it with tacky pillows and square furniture. I’m not saying it’s not his house, I’m just saying…you know…it’s not.

Of course, Krystal was then taken to Arie’s parents' home to meet them. What a dream come true. The family sat around a coffee table with what I believe was the second cheese plate of the episode. There was some boring conversation, which Krystal brightened up with “Oh my gosh!” and “Wowwwww." You could really feel the connection. Like trying to steal your neighbor's wifi from the apartment next door “connection.”

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Krystal and Arie on Night 1.

I think you can get a sense of a woman’s character by how long she holds the “u” when she says “Thank You.” With that said, I can conclude that Krystal has the personality of a wet mop, because the girl holds her “u” like a freaking Kardashian: “Oh my gosh, thank youuuuu.”

I wish I could tell you guys what they talked about during the dinner portion of their date, but I had to mute it. You understand. He did end up giving her a rose, which wasn’t a huge shock. He seems to like women who talk like college freshmen. Some singer no one has ever heard of sang for them as they danced forehead to forehead. It was magical, you guys. After the dance, Arie drove Krystal to CVS to pick up some orange juice and Mucinex. At least, that’s what I hope happened.

Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Seinne, Caroline, Brittany, Jenna, Bibiana, and Chelsea were all selected for this episode's group date. Most of the girls were pissed over a 15-person date, but I can promise you that Arie wasn’t complaining.

When the gaggle of girls got to their destination, Arie was doing donuts in a muddy arena, and announced they would be partaking in a demolition derby. The girls got to spray paint their own cars and then drove around hitting trash cans. Thanks for helping to keep the "women are bad drivers" stereotype alive, ABC.

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Annaliese and Arie.

Annaliese started crying for no reason before the derby even began, and we found out it's because she had a traumatic bumper car incident when she was little. Maybe she and Krystal can form some sort of therapy group after they leave The Bachelor. The ladies suited up, put their helmets on, and got strapped in.

I’m not sure why this group date was called a demolition derby — it looked like any Sephora parking lot to me. Seinne ended up winning the race, with Raven 2.0 (aka Tia) coming in second. Brittany didn’t attend the later portion of the date because she wasn’t feeling well. I would have called out sick too, Britt.

Chelsea was the first to steal Arie away in a shocking move. Arie described her as “mysterious” in the first episode, and she repeated that about a thousand times in the second ep. She also continued to play the mom card, which a lot of the ladies seem to be getting sick of. Chelsea thinks that comparing herself to Emily Maynard (you know, the woman who broke his heart) will work in her favor.

Bibiana got super sassy over not getting any time with Arie, and started crying before storming off. If there’s a surefire way to win a guy’s heart it’s to overreact, shed tears, and slam doors. Meanwhile, Arie made out with Bekah (who is 22, by the way) to some super creepy porno music. Seinne got the group date rose, though Arie’s speech initially gave the impression that it was going to be Chelsea's.

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Back at the mansion, Arie checked in with Brittany at the beginning of the cocktail party to make sure she was feeling okay after the demolition derby, and presented her with a “Most Hardcore” award. After binging iCarly episodes upstairs, Bekah came down for another make-out session.

Krystal, despite already having a rose, stole Arie away from Lauren B. The girls were understandably upset, as were viewers over having to hear that voice again. The Mucinex just isn’t working… it's time for someone to blow the Ricola horn. I think Krystal just topped Chelsea as the most insufferable woman in the house.

Bibiana finally got her time with Arie, and Krystal came out yet again to try and steal him away. Thankfully, that firecracker stood her ground and said no. I give major props to Bibiana for calling out Krystal's “fake tone” and how rude she was for stealing Arie away twice, despite being safe from elimination. Shortly after the ladies had their tense conversation, it was time for the rose ceremony.

Jenny, Valerie, and Lauren G. were sent packing. Jenny walked straight out of the room without hugging Arie goodbye, and refused to put her arms around him when he chased after her for a hug. She then admitted she was sad to be leaving her friends, not him. Mad respect, Jenny. Your FabFitFun boxes will be in the mail soon, so don’t fret.

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Jenny

My final four predictions from last week are still in play (Lauren B, Lauren S., Annaliese, and Caroline). After this episode, I’m not confident any of these ladies will make it to the end. Annaliese’s bumper car breakdown didn’t do her any favors, and the other ladies didn’t nab as much screen time as others. I unfortunately think Krystal might weasel her way into the final four over Annaliese. Until next time…

Episode 1 (Jan. 1)

Alright, Bachelor Nation — here we go. Another year, another man making terrible decisions that will alter his entire life. I’ve known Arie for over five years now, as we were both contestants on Emily’s season of The Bachelorette in 2012. He’s a great dude, and is definitely there for the right reasons, but I’m expecting some serious mistakes over the next few weeks. It’s just how things go with this process, no matter how great of a guy you may be. Let’s get this recap started and kick off Season 22 of The Bachelor, shall we?

Watching those Emily flashbacks are brutal. You could tell Arie was all in with her, and his heartbreak was felt by all of us. I’m really hoping things work out this time around, because it would be tough to see my boy go through that again, and I’m not sure the viewers could handle it either.

Here come Sean and Catherine [Lowe]. I was wondering who would be showing up from the past to coach Arie through this uncoachable journey…

Now it’s time to meet these future Flat Tummy Tea saleswomen. By the way, what’s the over-under on racing puns this season? First out of the limo is Caroline, our fellow realtor. The girls definitely came out to play tonight. I see some potential with these two, and I appreciate a girl who comes out of the gate without a gimmick. Chelsea is next up, and I’m not seeing a huge future here … she’s rather forgettable. Third out is our taxidermy weirdo, Kendall. Thank God she didn’t bring some stuffed koala with her.

Hellloooooo Sienne! This girl is stunning and well-spoken, and kudos on those elephant cufflinks. I’m definitely feeling final four potential with this girl. Raven 2.0 is out fifth, and did she really hand Arie a little weiner? Moving on…

Bibiana is coming in hot with the first pun of the night. Unfortunately, I don’t see this girl making it further than a few weeks. Sports reporter Bri is out next, and although she’s super hot, telling a guy you’re impressed he can catch a ball is a little odd.

ABC blew over Jenny, so I will too. Brittane J. is next to come out, and I’m always curious why beautiful women feel the need to pile on make-up. She even joked about not putting a bumper sticker on a Ferrari … it’s the same thing, Britt. Jacqueline is next, and unfortunately forgettable.

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Brittane J.

Krystal was one of the few ladies with an intro in the beginning of the episode, and for good reason. I was really feeling a final four vibe from her until she told Arie to close his eyes and delivered that ridiculous speech. I think he might have enjoyed it, though…

Nysha was blown over as well, but I think we need to applaud her for not toppling over… if you know what I mean. Now that the room is filling up, Captain Obvious (aka Chelsea) makes the astute observation that women keep entering the room. Thank you, Chelsea, I wasn’t really sure which show I was watching.

Here comes Valerie looking like a wannabe Princess Belle, followed by Bekah in a killer vintage Mustang. Thank you Bekah for taking our eyes off that monstrosity of a dress. I’m not sure if these two will have a romantic connection, but there’s definitely a Twitter friendship there in the future.

Jenna is up next, and I can’t stop staring at that overly-dramatic eyebrow. That girl puts Jim Carrey to shame. Jessica the “television host” steps out and brought a… rock? Moving on…

I’m feeling Marikh a little bit, but also have a sneaky feeling the other girls aren’t going to like her as much. Olivia follows Marikh, and I honestly cannot remember anything about her, so let's move on. Becca K. pops out, and she’s the type of woman who thinks she's funnier than she actually is.

Lauren S. enters next and seems to be the most authentic so far. I’m looking forward to seeing more from her. The second Lauren (J.) follows in a killer white dress and appears to be extremely well-rounded, so I guess she won’t be getting much camera time.

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Lauren S.

Oh great, here comes another Lauren (B.). I really can’t complain, they keep getting hotter as those limo doors open. Enter Lauren (G.) number four. You’re so funny, ABC.

We haven’t had any racing references in a while… oh wait, there’s Ashley with a checkered flag. Thank God Arie isn’t feeling these racing jokes either. Brittany T. is next, and seems totally oblivious that this is her first and last night. Poor thing.

Arie seems REALLY impressed by Amber and her spray-tan company, I can’t blame him, it’s super captivating. Some of these women are getting a little bit exhausting, so let’s move past Ali and her pathetic pit-stop joke.

Annaliese hops out next and I wish she wasn’t wearing that mask — I feel like something good is hiding under there. Arie kept touching her, for anyone who didn’t notice, so that’s a sign of things to come for these two.

And here comes Maquel. Maquel, Maquel, Maquel. Let’s just keep rewinding and watching that hair toss in slow motion, shall we? I’m getting a Lauren Bushnell vibe from this girl, and I’m not mad about it.

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Maquel

While all these women sit around and make fairly obvious observations to one another, I’m gonna pick my recipient for the first impression rose. I think Lauren S. and Annaliese have some serious potential.

It’s time for Arie to mingle, and for the girls to pretend they’re going to be lifelong friends. Crazy-eyebrowed Jenna gave him a pedicure, some forgettable girl stole the first kiss, taxidermy lady played a song, Chelsea continued to act crazy, and Chris Harrison finally entered with the first impression rose. The first impression rose is crucial — so many men and women who nabbed that honor made it to the final four, and several even ended up winning the whole thing. Case in point, Kaitlyn gave hers to Shawn B., and JoJo gave hers to Jordan.

Now, let’s discuss that kiss between Arie and psycho-Chelsea. Are you kidding me, bro? This girl has bats–t written all over her. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Why do I have a terrible feeling he’s going to give her his first impression rose? Boy was I wrong about her being forgettable.

chelsea and arie the bachelor getty images

Arie and Chelsea

Lord have mercy. “Chelsea, will you accept this rose?” will go down in history as one of the most disappointing things ever uttered on the franchise. As aggravating as this is, I think we can all agree Chelsea has no shot at making it to the final four. She will definitely be the Olivia Caridi or Kelsey Poe of this season.

After the anticlimactic rose ceremony, we lost Amber, Jessica, Brittane J., Ali, Bri, Lauren J., Nysha, and Olivia. No shockers there, and I agree with every one of these eliminations. It’s a shame he couldn’t send home more.

So now, it’s time for me to make my predictions for the final four. I’m sure these will change week to week as we’re just getting to know these girls, but for now, my money's on Caroline, Lauren S., Lauren B., and Annaliese.

I can’t wait to see where this season goes from here — all this Chelsea nonsense is going to make for a fantastic first few weeks. Let the claws come out, the Instagram followings rise, and Paradise petitions begin.

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This post has been edited for length and clarity.